Thursday, January 19, 2006

Hillbilly Mom Has Grooming Issues

I forked my hair today. I left my purse in the car, because I trust
roving bands of redneck parking-lot thieves more than my students.
I really did look for a comb. I searched my black Office Max
canvas bag that I got free at Office Max (duh) on Teacher
Appreciation Day. I searched the pockets of my 6-year-old brown
suede Wal-mart coat. Yes, I'm a fashion maven.

The wind was angry today, my friends. Angry like a 9th grade
girl who has been told to put away her stalkerish stack of Jesse
McCartney photos and finish her vocabulary words. Ol' Man
Wind styled my lady-mullet until it looked like a replica of the
cord-and-wire tangle than hangs from my computer, flowing over
the edge of my cast-off carved-up science-lab table. I searched
my cabinet-without-a-lock. No comb. Aha! I did find a gray,
long-handled plastic fork that I refuse to throw away, because
hey, it is sturdier than the school's white plastic forks, and if you
lick it clean after each use, it is like new again. And it works on
your hair just like a pick! HooRah, Hillbilly Mom! You're a
freakin' MacGALver when it comes to inventing hair care
products! And it can still be used as a fork, too.

Speaking of hair care products...I'll get to that in a minute. I
might not have mentioned that I have a cold. It was given to me
by my #1 son, who thought it would be funny to COUGH! in my
face while I was driving the large SUV. I adjusted his attitude.
Now I am adjusting pieces of Puffs With Aloe that I roll up and
stick into my nostrils. Oh, come on, don't pretend you've never
done that. By the look #1 gave me when I wore these while driving
him to school, I don't think he will try that trick again. I am a master
of embarrassment techniques.

Because of the stuffy head, I don't smell too good right now. By
that I mean my sense of smell does not exist. I don't know if I
smell good to other people or not. Who cares, anyway, since it's
ALL ABOUT ME? This morning, forking my straggley helmet-
head of static-y dyed hair, looking in the small mirror mounted
on the inside of my school cabinet door, I noticed a reddish area
near the bottom of my neck, just below my goiter. Then it hit me!
Not the mirror, silly, the thought that I had not scrubbed off the
Vicks VapoRub from last night. Normally, I would smell it in the
shower as it heated up again, and scrub that greasy gunk off.

Then I wondered if anyone else would smell it. Maybe they
wouldn't notice, what with my other fragrances. Hmm...there
was the Irish Spring With Aloe soap, and the Suave Dragon
Fruit no-tears shampoo, along with Colgate toothpaste and the
Lady Speed Stick Orchard Blossom Antiperspirant. On the way
to school, I applied my Strawberry/Kiwi Lip Balm. Once there,
my hands were dry, so I squirted on a little Bath & Body Works
Cucumber Melon lotion. (It was a Christmas gift a couple of years
ago. As you can tell from my above list of beauty products, I am
not a regular consumer of high-end, classy crap such as Bath &
Body Works.) And as the piece de resistance, due to that blasted
cold, I had popped in a Hall's Mentholyptus Honey Lemon cough
drop to fortify my voice for the morning Do-Not exercises.

Nawwww...I didn't think anybody would notice the Vicks VapRub.
I was a virtual smorgasbord of smells. What aromatic ambiance
would trail behind me the rest of the day? Or would a plethora
of pungent odors precede me into the classroom? I had no time
to worry my pretty little forked head about these matters, as it
was time for the tone. Yes, at high school we have a tone, not
a bell. You should see the freshmen the first time they hear it.
They don't know that's the signal to grab the books you haven't
used, and rush out into the hall to loiter with friends until the tardy
tone. Anyhoo, I only had enough time to turn off my cell phone
that I'm not allowed to have at school and stuff it in my coat
pocket in the cabinet.

And thus began another day in the slow handbasket to h*** that
is Hillbilly Mom's life.


Blogger Redneck Diva said...

The forking of the hair reminds me of when in The Little Mermaid, Ariel uses a fork to come her long red tresses. I bet you're SO PRETTY, just like Ariel!

Hey, at least your hair isn't the color of new pennies. Or is it? No one would know since no one even knows what you look like, Mrs. Hillbilly Paranoia Poster Child.

Sorry about the cold. They suck. I figure that's next on my list, now that my system's down due to the flaming fireball of intestinal germs festering inside me.

Get better soon!

9:06 PM  
Blogger Hillbilly Mom said...

You would be a Paranoia Poster Child too, if some woman followed you around the Save-A-Lot exclaiming "You are SO PRETTY!" My mother and sister and nephew have hair the color of new pennies. What's not to like? Are you saying Ariel was the original MacGALver? I am not familiar with her. My boys preferred MANLY cartoons, like Powerpuff Girls.

Your houseful of spirits must like the new penny look. They are sneaking peeks at you.

9:52 PM  
Blogger JustLinda said...

Hey! I lick my plastic fork clean and then wipe it with a napkin and put it in my drawer for the next day (in other words, if you're in my office, don't borrow my fork). I've never forked my hair with it but then again I'm sure I would if I was in any wind as angry as a 9th grader (shudder).

10:15 PM  
Blogger Mr Bates said...

Other than when I go for a haircut, I have not had a brush or comb in my hair in the last 25 years (much to the chagrin of my hair-gal). However, on one emergency occasion, I had to resort to a fork - actually I used 2 forks in tandem. (But you are still MacGALver AND SO PRETTY) Anyhoo, I am here to warn you that piercing your scalp with an incorrectly angled blow from plastic forks creates a devastating wound. Fortunately I only had 3 perfectly identical gashes - it could have been eight!

Be careful out there!

8:21 AM  
Blogger MrsCoach2U said...

Thankfully, it was an actual fork and not a KFC spork! I'm sure you smelled like a basket of fruit all day, nobody noticed the smell of the rotting fruit at the bottom of the basket I'm sure. Considering all the flavors you were wearing today, I'd say nobody noticed the Vicks!

3:19 PM  
Blogger Hillbilly Mom said...

Well ain't we Missouri gals just a bunch of good ol' procrastinatin' fork-lickers?

Umm...not combing your hair for 25 years is perhaps something you don't want to brag too much about. I will give you the benefit of the doubt, and imagine you with a stylish buzzcut that needs no combing. Because I'm that kind of gal, and because you acknowledged my MacGALver status, and my SO-PRETTINESS.

Great Googley Moogley, Man! Is your scalp onion-skin-paper-thin? What kind of plastic forks do you have down there? Thank goodness you didn't nick an artery!

Taco Bell also molds a mean spork. I think they are more suited for back-scratching, as they have very sharp points. So Mr. Bates should heed our spork-alert and make a "Note to Self" in case he has the urge sometime in the next 25 years to try a little bilateral sporking.

7:36 PM  
Blogger Rebecca said...

Hi Hillbilly Mom,
I was talking to this lovely woman in the supermarket the other day. She said now not only do you look real pretty, but you smell real pretty too.
A fork in the hair is quite American of you. I sometimes go for the Chopsticks in the hair look.

8:16 PM  
Blogger Hillbilly Mom said...

I see you've met my little friend. Maybe she can transfer her affections to you.

8:34 PM  

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