Thursday, October 27, 2005

The Hillbilly Mansion Rules

I want to make sure we all get along if you visit my new home.
So y'all have to go by my rules. Here are some I've found
to be invaluable.

1. If you pee off the front porch, don't hit the flat USA-shaped
rock. It will splash, and might get on moi (that is, IF I am out
on the porch watching you, which is unlikely, but still...).

2. Do not pick the Yucca flowers and bring them in the house.
They are crawling with ants.

3. Look before you sit. The porch chairs are usually draped
with cats. The indoor furniture is usually draped with kid's
toys and pajamas, because the living room is for changing.

4. Don't expect everything in its place. Our house is lived in,
it's not a museum.

5. Call before you visit. That way, we can shove things into
the laundry room.

6. Don't go into the laundry room.

7. If you want to drink, bring your own, because all that
can be found here is bootleg moonshine (from my Hillbilly
Husband's North Carolina trip) and Wild Turkey (HH gets
a wild hair every now and then).

8. We will beat you at pool, or we will pout. That is your

9. The slot machine has no volume control. We will smack
you if your kid keeps playing it.

10. The redneck bathroom has a working toilet, but the
sink is for show. That explains the GermX.

11. If #1 son asks you to go for a ride in his car, he means
it. If you don't want to take a chance on a 10-year-old
driver, say NO firmly. Or else he will ask every five minutes.

12. The faucets are not always what they appear. The hot
and cold are reversed in the kitchen and master bath shower.

That should be enough to remember for now. I will enforce
more rules when I make them up.


Blogger Hillbilly Mom said...

Here now! Settle down! Everyone can't comment at once! Wait your turn!

Has anybody had trouble loading this new blog? Of course, if you have, you wouldn't be able to comment, now would you? Any suggestions? Any ideas why some people can't get the whole page to load?

10:30 PM  
Blogger Lessa said...

NOpe, loads fine for me, just buried in work today so could not participate in my normal stalker-ish charms. *pose*

And all seem to be reasonable rules to me! and O!M!G! are my kids jealous that hillbilly son has his own car already! AND can drive it! Oh, the green monster is alive and well in this Northern Homestead...

11:07 PM  
Blogger Dave in Ardmore said...

The new blog still has that new blog "smell". And by the way what's with all the damn rules if I wanted to have rules I would go visit my mother, she might die of a heart attack though since we live ten blocks apart and I have not been to see her since Christmas, but I am rambling, where was I? Oh yeah, ease up will ya'?

12:31 AM  
Blogger Rebecca said...

Hi Hillbilly Mom,
Heck you impatient Redneck, give people a chance to read your blog first. Remember you are attracting Rednecks to this site, and they are not known for their reading ability.
I on the other hand, have just been busy, so I just got here. I also wonder if your USA rock includes Alaska and Hawaii.

6:10 AM  
Blogger Hillbilly Mom said...

Jeez! SOME people just don't want to play by the rules, now do they? That's OK. I work with kids like that. Shhh...don't tell anyone, but many of them are just REALLY smart, and can't be bothered with writing definitions and following rules because, hey, the world will survive if someone chews gum in class.

What I meant about the site loading...on the old Redneck Review blog, a couple of people left a comment that they can't load this one. I tried it at school this morning, and it won't load for me either. I'm thinking it's an Internet Explorer issue. #1 and I are going to work on it later, if he can stop vomiting. Was that too much information? TOO DERN BAD!!! Them's MY rules, baby!

I honestly wasn't fishing for comments. But now that you've given me the idea...

What! Your kids don't get a $300 car at age 10! Snap out of it! It's a stick shift, too. Of course he talked about it at school, and came home saying, "Hey, about half the kids in my class say they can drive a stick." Yeah, right.

Which rule do your really have the issue with, huh? It's that porch-peeing thing, isn't it? You can use the back porch, just don't aim for the pool.

No Alaska and Hawaii yet for my rock. We will have to look around. Though I have BEEN to Alaska. I never wanted to go to Hawaii, but my parents sent my sister there after she graduated from high school. I guess the joke was on them, because SHE CAME BACK!

12:41 PM  
Blogger Lessa said...

You've been up here to this wee little state of AK that is quite a bit larger then any other state of the union and then some? And ya LEFT? tell me, how did that work? I've been here for 29 YEARS... *harumph* and i'm COLD durn it, COLD! *shivahs*

1:00 PM  
Blogger MamaKBear said...

Hiya Hillbilly Mom!

New place is lookin' great *kicks a toy outta the way as she walks in*...

Wanted to tell ya it was loading all the way for me either. Glad to know I wasn't the only one! Loaded just fine this time apparently, 'cuz I'm here runnin' my mouth!

I guess I can live with those rules...GermX is more convenient to me than actually washing my hands anyway. Who's got time for that?!

2:03 PM  
Blogger MamaKBear said...

oops...that should be WASN'T loading all the way...ack!

2:04 PM  
Blogger Hillbilly Mom said...

I was there a long time ago, for a two-week visit with my uncle in Ketchikan. In fact, I might just blog about that whole experience, since I don't have any special idea in mind today. It was beautiful, but I think I would feel isolated, even in that populated part I was in.

Thanks for kicking that toy out of the way. I need to throw a big toy-kicking party.

How didja make it work? I have spent about 4 hours in IE installing Javascript, deleting cookies, changing security settings, enabling cookies, etc. No success. I guess they'll just have to install Mozilla Firefox and run that as the browser.

3:54 PM  
Blogger Misha said...

Oh hey, I think I left the spinach dip in the laundry room...

I'm glad the move went smoothly, looking forward to some more of that HM humour :)

10:36 PM  
Blogger Hillbilly Mom said...

13th rule of Hillbilly Mansion: don't leave the spinach dip in the laundry room.

11:32 PM  
Blogger Kim said...

I'm all teared up. I'm HERE. I'm HERE. I'm HERE!

1:50 AM  
Blogger Hillbilly Mom said...


Welcome back! I hope I won't disappoint you.

See what I do for my loyal readers? Now...if I can just find a stat counter that works with this template in IE...

1:28 PM  

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