The Hillbilly Mansion Rules
I want to make sure we all get along if you visit my new home.
So y'all have to go by my rules. Here are some I've found
to be invaluable.
1. If you pee off the front porch, don't hit the flat USA-shaped
rock. It will splash, and might get on moi (that is, IF I am out
on the porch watching you, which is unlikely, but still...).
2. Do not pick the Yucca flowers and bring them in the house.
They are crawling with ants.
3. Look before you sit. The porch chairs are usually draped
with cats. The indoor furniture is usually draped with kid's
toys and pajamas, because the living room is for changing.
4. Don't expect everything in its place. Our house is lived in,
it's not a museum.
5. Call before you visit. That way, we can shove things into
the laundry room.
6. Don't go into the laundry room.
7. If you want to drink, bring your own, because all that
can be found here is bootleg moonshine (from my Hillbilly
Husband's North Carolina trip) and Wild Turkey (HH gets
a wild hair every now and then).
8. We will beat you at pool, or we will pout. That is your
9. The slot machine has no volume control. We will smack
you if your kid keeps playing it.
10. The redneck bathroom has a working toilet, but the
sink is for show. That explains the GermX.
11. If #1 son asks you to go for a ride in his car, he means
it. If you don't want to take a chance on a 10-year-old
driver, say NO firmly. Or else he will ask every five minutes.
12. The faucets are not always what they appear. The hot
and cold are reversed in the kitchen and master bath shower.
That should be enough to remember for now. I will enforce
more rules when I make them up.