Friday, January 20, 2006

Hillbilly Mom Can't Stand...

Wow...I'm taking time to talk about ME for a change! I know what
you're thinking: "How uncharacteristic of Hillbilly Mom to talk about
herself. Maybe this will help us learn more about her." See. Now
you know I'm psychic. That's psychIC. Not psychO.

I will only give you a few of the things I can't stand. I don't have all
night, you know. My Hillbilly Husband returns from Brazil tonight.
And you know what that means...a big screaming fight about how
I don't pay enough attention to him.


PHONIES. Do not pretend you are a good housekeeper or Parent
of the Year. Nobody is that perfect. Some people are clean freaks.
Dare to speak its name. Or just admit that your bathroom sink is
growing hair, or the laundry has never been introduced to the
drawers, or you have food in your cabinets from 7 years ago when
you moved into the house. 'Fess up that you put the baby in the
swing for a couple hours so you didn't have to watch him, that you
gave the toddler a granola bar that he dropped on the garage floor,
that your preschooler screams and runs the other way when you
go to pick him up every afternoon. Oops. It's not all about ME
right now.

SNOBS. You are not better than anyone else. People have different
capabilities, based on their backgrounds. I don't care if you have a
maid or a one-room shack...or a maid IN your one-room shack.
You do not have the right to look down on others. Some people
shop at Wal-mart. Get used to it. WooHoo! You eat sushi and caviar
and goat cheese! I'm so NOT impressed, cause in case nobody told
you, that's still raw fish, fish eggs, and fermented fluid from the nether
regions of a goat. Eat it if you like it, but quit puttin' on airs about it.
I don't go around bragging about my Hamburger Helper, Chex Mix,
and Sonic Cherry Diet Coke. Well, technically, I DO, but hey, the
point here is that I'm not trying to show that I'm better than you
because I'm such a classy broad. It takes all kinds. Live and let
live. Stop the Snootyism.

A$$ KISSERS. You may work it so you get the best of everything
the boss has to offer, but at what price? Don't you know what
other people think of you? Is that how you want to be perceived?
Do you want people to be afraid to talk to you, because what we
say goes straight from your mouth to the boss's a$$? Don't any of
you Hillbilly Mom readers EVER kiss my a$$!!! (Though there's
plenty to go around.) I don't think there's any danger this will
happen, what with the commenters I have pulling my chain all the
time, but I hate to read a$$-kissing comments. I can take the bad
with the good. I am not fragile. I TEACH MIDDLE SCHOOL
STUDENTS. That prepares you for life, my friends.

SHIRKERS. If it is your duty, DO IT. Do not wait for someone
else to bail you out. If there is a dead mouse on the porch, do
not step over it and pretend you didn't see it. First spotter picks
up the dead mouse. If your job is to take out the trash every
week, do not sleep in and say, "They'll get it next week." Do
not pass the buck. If you jam the copier, freakin' search through
its guts for your scrap. We'll see whose copy it is when we dig
it out. Then we will talk about you like snobs.

I'm not really wound up today, I'm not fired up about things I
can't stand. But you'll be sure to know when I am, because
there will be another edition of "Hillbilly Mom Can't Stand..."


Blogger Rebecca said...

Hi Hillbilly Mom,
I'm guessing your Sonic store is closed for renovations?
Well guess again. Beclakia has closed down your local store. Why? Well the old woman who knew the recipy for ice died, so they couldn't keep the store open.

8:11 PM  
Blogger Hillbilly Mom said...

We are seriously lacking on the ice. We could be swimming this winter, if we had a beach, because it has been too freakin' hot for snow and ice.

Beclakia does not know about our double-secret underground ice and Cherry Diet Coke factory. You may THINK you've shut us down, but NOOOO!
We killed that old woman for being a Beclakian secret agent. By "killed," I mean we wouldn't let her join in any Hillbilly games, and she pined away for want of a corncob pipe, some crystal meth, and possum stew.

8:39 PM  
Blogger deadpanann said...

You put the HIC in PSYCHIC, hillbillymomma!

8:53 PM  
Blogger Chickadee said...

I recently worked with a girl who THE BIGGEST a$$ kisser I have EVER worked with. EVER. She even put me down in front of the boss to make herself look better. I wanted to punch that a$$-kissing mouth of hers. You should have heard the way she bad-mouthed the boss behind his back.


10:29 PM  
Blogger LanternLight said...

All good points Hillbilly Mom.

Wal Mart seemed to have everything when I visited. Sam's Club was cool too.

Our local Burger King "soft serve" machine is broken "but we can offer you a thick shake"


"ummm, we're run out of strawberry..."

10:46 PM  
Blogger Kim said...

I eat sushi and goat cheese AND shop at Wal-Mart so tell those snobby-butts to sit on THAT and spin. Hell, I've even bought my goat cheese AT Wal-Mart.

And my grandma used to say that a$$ kissers smelled like a$$.

2:39 AM  
Blogger Chickadee said...

I've got another one, I guess I shouldn't take up space on your blog ranting about this, but it fits your topic so perfectly.

I went to an educator's workshop this morning. (I'm a volunteer naturalist for MDC) The topic was the various bird programs you can use to teach grade school kids.

I sat next to a KNOW-IT-ALL. She knew EVERYTHING the teacher was talking about and had a comment for EVERYTHING. And she took it upon herself to stand up on her soapbox about a particular subject that relates to birds but, ummm, hey lady, THIS ISN'T YOUR CLASS! YOU ARE NOT THE TEACHER! IT ISN'T ABOUT YOU!

Oh, wait, I guess I'm doing the same thing aren't I?

Sorry. But I had to come over here and vent. I spent four hours sitting next to this yahoo listening to her never-ending fountain of know-it-all crap.

5:03 PM  
Blogger Rebecca said...

Hi Chickadee
I have a saying for those kind of people. "[insewrt name] is amazing. They are an absolute authority on any subject."

5:24 PM  
Blogger Hillbilly Mom said...

Miss Ann,
Ha! You crack me up. Ha Ha! I said CRACK. Like in FERRETS ON CRACK!

It's a shame you can't express how you really feel.

I am also a Sam's shopper, but it's kind of far away for our horse and buggy.

Nice to see you can also run with any crowd. Except the a$$-smelling crowd.

I had a class with one of those once. Every day she held us hostage. The class was about developmental stages kids go through, and conditions that need adaptive measures in the educational setting.
Then this freak butted in to ask the instructor, "What if you have bruises all over your arms, and you don't even play volleyball?" My friend and I looked at each other like "WTF?" and spent the rest of class laughing silently, tears running down our faces. What a DO-NOT!

Rebecca, you are amazing. An absolute authority on any subject.

8:59 PM  
Blogger Rebecca said...

Hi Hillbilly Mom,
I learnt it all from you. :-P

10:41 PM  
Blogger Redneck Diva said...

You will never catch a'puttin' on airs about my parenting abilities, Hillbilly Mom. If I let my kids watch 3 hours of cartoons while I shamelessly surf the internet and blog to my heart's content, it's pretty much a sure fire bet that I'm going to tell y'all about it. I'm just that kind of gal.

And I buy freakin' BAGGED Chex Mix, for cryin' out loud! I am not a snob. I'm just lazy.

And please don't consider me a shirker if I don't pick up the dead mouse even if I am the first to see it. We musn't forget that I am a diva.

I like your soap box posts, Hillbilly Mom. And I'm not just kissin' your a$$.

10:33 AM  
Blogger Hillbilly Mom said...

I am quite the teacher, eh? Don't be smartmouthing ME, Missy! You are very close to a$$-kissing.

That's the one thing I will never accuse you of: putting on airs. After that one about your underwear in Wal-mart, you are excempt from the snob category.

4:02 PM  

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