A Lesson in Digression
Ah, yes. I've been back to work two days. Kids say the darnedest
things. This morning, first cat out of the bag (It's just an expression,
people! If I was the type of person to put live cats into bags, do
you really think I'd be letting them out?), a student gave me too
much information.
But I will get to that in a minute, because now I am thinking of cats,
and I must give a shout-out to 'Lovey', my buddy Mabel's cat, who
has been diagnosed with diabetes. Who knew? Mabel has to give
him (Mabel calls him "her" because at first she thought he was
female, which is OH SO WRONG, Mabel, do not give that kitty
a gender identity crisis!) a pill twice a day. Mabel's husband is too
busy to do it, because he works in Illinois, so Mabel has bought
herself a pair of construction-worker's gloves to give Lovey the
meds. Sounds like maybe Lovey doesn't care much for staying
med-compliant.
And now I am thinking of Mabel's husband, who used to be my
boss, and how he thinks I am writing this blog just for Mabel, alone,
like an email every day. Not to say you're not worth it, Mabel, but
you never comment, and some people think you are imaginary, or
one of my multiple personalities. But I know you're real, Mabel,
because remember that one time, when my room was next to yours,
and all your math equipment was stored in my room in those 6 giant
metal cabinets, and you said, "Oh, if you ever need any gluesticks
or rulers, they're all right here in this cabinet...LOCKED UP!" ?
I remember it, Mabel. It cut me to the quick, like a pair of scissors
that were not locked up, and a friend jammed them into a friend's
back. Know what I mean?
I seem to have digressed. I haven't rambled this much since I was
on the fake Vicodin right after my surgery. The surgery during
which I might have casually mentioned I WOKE UP IN THE
MIDDLE OF!!!
Now, to the 9th grader with too much information. He had been
absent the day before, our first day back, Wednesday, Jan. 4.
I didn't ask why. I was just signing his absentee slip, which was
marked 'unexcused'.
"Do you want to know why I wasn't here yesterday?" he baited.
"Nope," I replied, swimming my large mouth away from that
dangling hook with the plump, juicy, nightcrawler squirming
seductively around the barbed tip.
The kid went on, unsolicited, like a telemarketer being paid by
the minute. "Did you do anything for New Year's Eve?"
"Nope. I'm old and married."
"I went to a party, and when I got back home, my mom let me
drink a bottle of wine and a bottle of champagne."
THOUGHT: Great Googley Moogley, boy! Does the woman
have a large life insurance policy on you? Sit down and shut
your piehole before I hear about some perverted romantic liason.
SAID: "Hmm."
"And yesterday, I could still taste it when I burped."
THOUGHT: And that is a good reason to miss school because...
SAID: "That's too much information. Go sit down."
THOUGHT: New Year's Eve, Dec. 31. Absent from school,
Jan. 4. That is one h*** of a hangover!
things. This morning, first cat out of the bag (It's just an expression,
people! If I was the type of person to put live cats into bags, do
you really think I'd be letting them out?), a student gave me too
much information.
But I will get to that in a minute, because now I am thinking of cats,
and I must give a shout-out to 'Lovey', my buddy Mabel's cat, who
has been diagnosed with diabetes. Who knew? Mabel has to give
him (Mabel calls him "her" because at first she thought he was
female, which is OH SO WRONG, Mabel, do not give that kitty
a gender identity crisis!) a pill twice a day. Mabel's husband is too
busy to do it, because he works in Illinois, so Mabel has bought
herself a pair of construction-worker's gloves to give Lovey the
meds. Sounds like maybe Lovey doesn't care much for staying
med-compliant.
And now I am thinking of Mabel's husband, who used to be my
boss, and how he thinks I am writing this blog just for Mabel, alone,
like an email every day. Not to say you're not worth it, Mabel, but
you never comment, and some people think you are imaginary, or
one of my multiple personalities. But I know you're real, Mabel,
because remember that one time, when my room was next to yours,
and all your math equipment was stored in my room in those 6 giant
metal cabinets, and you said, "Oh, if you ever need any gluesticks
or rulers, they're all right here in this cabinet...LOCKED UP!" ?
I remember it, Mabel. It cut me to the quick, like a pair of scissors
that were not locked up, and a friend jammed them into a friend's
back. Know what I mean?
I seem to have digressed. I haven't rambled this much since I was
on the fake Vicodin right after my surgery. The surgery during
which I might have casually mentioned I WOKE UP IN THE
MIDDLE OF!!!
Now, to the 9th grader with too much information. He had been
absent the day before, our first day back, Wednesday, Jan. 4.
I didn't ask why. I was just signing his absentee slip, which was
marked 'unexcused'.
"Do you want to know why I wasn't here yesterday?" he baited.
"Nope," I replied, swimming my large mouth away from that
dangling hook with the plump, juicy, nightcrawler squirming
seductively around the barbed tip.
The kid went on, unsolicited, like a telemarketer being paid by
the minute. "Did you do anything for New Year's Eve?"
"Nope. I'm old and married."
"I went to a party, and when I got back home, my mom let me
drink a bottle of wine and a bottle of champagne."
THOUGHT: Great Googley Moogley, boy! Does the woman
have a large life insurance policy on you? Sit down and shut
your piehole before I hear about some perverted romantic liason.
SAID: "Hmm."
"And yesterday, I could still taste it when I burped."
THOUGHT: And that is a good reason to miss school because...
SAID: "That's too much information. Go sit down."
THOUGHT: New Year's Eve, Dec. 31. Absent from school,
Jan. 4. That is one h*** of a hangover!
posted by Hillbilly Mom at 6:39 PM
7 Comments:
Great lord! He's how old?
BTW tell Mabel that her vet might can get her a cat "piller" it's this gadget that I use to give my cats pills. WAY easier that trying to trick them and having to pick up wet sticky pills while I'm bleeding.
Kim,
Thanks for that info. Mabel is all about the gadgets.
Yeah. 9th grade. 14/15 years old. I guess it's no worse than the 13-year-old girl whose mom & dad rented her a motel room for her birthday party.
EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
Kids these days. Back when I was young and stupid my mom made me go to a Garth Brooks concert hung over from chugging Boone's Farm the night before. She said she was going to make me miss the concert, but she figured sitting through a loud concert with a raging headache might be a better punishment. That DivaMom, she's so crazy.
Goodness, I thought I was the only one privy to teenage New Years Eve activities. Seems on the bus to the game the other night, I was very popular with the "hey, wanna know what I did" theme going on..... Or they were just looking down my shirt, I never know!
Diva,
I guess now you have an aversion to Mr. Garth Brooks. That darn operant conditioning! Who knew the DivaMom was so well-versed in behavior modification theory?
Mrs.,
Um...NOTE TO SELF time. "Dear Self, I might not want to be puttin' on airs and a-braggin' that I was popular on a bus with middle school boys." You don't want to be making the rest of us envious, you know.
It wasn't middle school boys it was high school boys. We don't let the young ones wear BJ shirts!
Mrs.,
As my young son tells me daily: "Once again, you staaaaand corrected!"
Of course it's OK to brag about being popular on a bus with HIGH SCHOOL boys! That's another thing entirely! WooHoo!
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