Tuesday, December 27, 2005


My Hillbilly Sister gave my kids some jellybeans for Christmas.
The Harry Potter nasty-flavored jellybeans. Of course, she forced
us to try them. I read the flavors. I knew I was not in the mood
for 'earwax', 'vomit', or 'booger'. I volunteered for 'bacon' and
'sardine' because, hey, I like bacon and sardines. Not together,
but separately. My HSis told her daughter to pick them out for
me. But she whispered it in her ear. I told her they better be the
bacon and sardine flavor. HSis agreed. She even told her daughter,
"Do it right, or she'll be mad."

#1 son brought me the bacon one. It was brown. I bit into it. It
had a sort of smokey flavor that could turn out to be bacon. But
it didn't. It wasn't very good, that bacon jellybean. Then my
niece said, "Oh. Did that taste like bacon? Because I might have
given you 'earthworm'. Did it taste like...kind of...dirty?" YES!
I ate an earthworm jellybean! Yuck!

Next was sardine. I should have learned my lesson with the
earthworm. But noooooo! I chewed it until it was flat. It started
out like a sardine, then it just turned fishy. I wouldn't eat real
sardines if they tasted so fishy. Maybe I just needed some
mustard sauce. I tried to swallow, to get rid of it, but it was
flat, and didn't want to slide past my goiter. I tried and tried
to swallow, but it was going nowhere. I coughed, trying to
get it back up. Nope. It was stuck. Then I was kind of retching.
The Mayor jumped up out of the recliner, fearful that I would
vomit on his head. I was not going to vomit, silly Mayor. I was
trying not to choke. I was going to go get some water, but the
demon jellybean finally slid down into my gullet. My HSis
looked a bit apprehensive, like she might be remembering
that time I poked her elbow when she had a bobby pin in her
ear, and a little bit of blood poured out.

I did not want to ruin the holidays. Revenge, though sweet,
will have to wait for a while. I'm thinking that if I can find some
cricket legs, I can cook them up in the Chex Mix. She loves
Chex Mix. They would get all crunchy, and look like broken
parts of the Chex, with some Worcestershire Sauce cooked
into them. Except for those little hairs that stick out. Insects are
good protein, right? I would be giving her a healthy dietary
supplement. And they would taste a good deal better than that
earthworm jellybean.


Blogger Chickadee said...

I ate the "vomit" jellybean, just to see what it would taste like. I chewed maybe twice and had to spit it out because tasted AWFUL. I then threw the box of jellybeans away. Gah.


3:44 PM  
Blogger LanternLight said...

You'd have to wonder how the jellybean maker knew what vomit tasted like. And quality control, "This jellybean doesn't taste vomittee enough, add more vomit"... Ewwww

4:59 PM  
Blogger MamaKBear said...

I wonder WHY someone would come up with such god awful flavors for jelly beans in the first place!

I already don't like regular jelly beans, ain't no way one of those babies is getting past my lips!!

7:00 PM  
Blogger jules said...

And she paid MONEY for these?????

9:22 AM  
Blogger MrsCoach2U said...

Once in Home Ec we pulled wings off the dead flies and put them in a raisin pie for a teacher. Does your sister like raisins?

10:21 AM  
Blogger Hillbilly Mom said...

WHAT were you THINKING? To volunteer to eat VOMIT? And you spit it out because you expected, oh, I don't know, maybe...sugar-coated vomit?

Yes, imagine the taster!

It was some kind of Harry Potter promotion thingy.

They were just small boxes, like those candy hearts with the sayings on them, except they were not hearts, and they were not sweet, and they did not have sayings on them.

They will not go to waste, as I have some 9th grade boys who would LOVE to taste them. Yes, my room is right next to the bathroom and drinking fountain.

Which is precisely why I won't eat food the students give me. (Mr. K should learn a lesson from that marked muffin that he ate, and then missed two days of school.)

My sister does not care for raisins. She is a very picky eater, has to have her hamburgers plain, very persnickety.

10:35 AM  
Blogger Chickadee said...

LMAO, yea Hillybilly Mom, I know, I know, I had it coming, I deserve what I got. But I HAD to know. I'm kinda weird that way with my curiosity.


10:53 AM  
Blogger JustLinda said...

I'm not sure I've ever seen the word GOITER used in a blog entry. LOL And cricket legs? Ewwww... where does one purchase such things?

"A little bit of blood came pouring out." LOL

11:46 AM  
Blogger Hillbilly Mom said...

As long as you see the error of your ways...

Welcome to the blog about goiters and cricket legs. As you can see, I'm a regular renaissance gal.

I am afraid to ask why you're asking, but I don't think you can buy just cricket LEGS. You have to buy the whole cricket, and pull the legs off. Don't ask me how I know.

And I DID teach my sister a valuable lesson: don't clean your ear with a bobby-pin.

4:47 PM  
Blogger Rebecca said...

Hi Hillbilly Mom,
I don't see why you haven't taken this time to think of Hillbilly flavoured Jelly Beans.
Off the top of my head I can think of:
Sump Oil
Shotgun pellets
and of course
Sonic Diet Cherry Cola.


9:44 PM  
Blogger Hillbilly Mom said...

Sometimes you DO have good ideas. Yes. We could market them as "REDNECK JELLYBEANS", and sell them at NASCAR races. We'll make a million. I'll get right on that.

9:11 AM  

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