Sunday, December 25, 2005

Merry Christmas, HH. From HH.

My Hillbilly Husband bought himself a present on Dec. 23.
He is a firm believer in the "It's better to receive than to give"
theory. Except in this case, he gave, and he received. He had
gone to Walgreens to get a passport photo. While he was
waiting, he walked over to the local Tractor Supply store,
and couldn't pass up this bargain. It was marked down $800,
you see. If I had only dug through the junk he throws on the
dresser to see if he had any photos left from the last time he
got a passport, I might have avoided this purchase, because
then he would not have been in Walgreens.

He has driven it around the neighborhood to show it off. The
neighbor down the hill says it is a "glorified golf cart." Well,
he doesn't have one, now does he? And, he is an in-law of
The Land Stealer, so we don't really care about his opinion,
though he does come up occasionally for a drink in the BARn.

#1 son took me for a ride in it yesterday, when I should have
been wrapping some presents. It had rained the night before,
and big water drops fell on me from the roll cage each time
he hit a bump. Then HH came home, and put on the little
plastic cover. If only he had done that the night before, I
wouldn't have had a shower during my cruise around the

This cute little thing has seatbelts, a dump bed (if you lift it up
by hand), and three gears: forward, neutral, and back. I guess
HH is entitled to a toy. He only spent about half of his year-
end bonus on it. I think I should get the rest. After all, who
takes care of the Hillbilly Mansion and the boy young 'uns
when he's out gallivanting the globe? I knew you would all
agree with me.

Speaking of gallivanting, HH leaves for Brazil in January. He'll
be gone two weeks this time. He says it has taken them a year
and a half to get visas to get into the country, that Brazil is very
strict about these things. It is easier to get a salesman visa or a
tourist visa than a work visa. They will have to hire a local to
hand them the tools, he says. He might be pulling my leg. You
never can tell with HH. He is a good bluffer because he believes
himself. They already have a company man there, and he didn't
have any trouble because he's from Colombia. I can't figure that
one out. I don't think Colombia is near Brazil, but then again,
geography and history are my worst subjects. Also, they speak
Portuguese in Brazil, and Spanish in Colombia. Go figure. HH
says that the guy will have no problems, because he is "from there."
I don't know if any of this is true. HH says that anyone on the
continent can travel to Brazil with no problem, just like we don't
need a visa to go to Canada. I fear HH is misinformed. I asked
him if the company would pay me his salary while he's locked up
in, oh, I don't know, maybe a Turkish prison or something. HH
did not answer.

Here's another HH tale. One of their engineers went to Vietnam.
I hadn't heard about that. I asked why HH didn't go. "I didn't want
to go to Vietnam. I hear they're kind of backward and eat funny
stuff." OK. So now he gets to pick and choose where he goes,
based on the cuisine. He said the guy was picked up at the airport
on a motorscooter, and that's how he got around. Also, the client
he went to see worked out of his home. His bedroom was his
"factory." They had even sold him some machine to do the work.
In case you're thinking HH is a drug courier or something, his
company makes industrial sawblades and products that butchers
use to cut meat and bones. HH says that in Vietnam, they were
still splitting the cattle with axes. This went over well at the dinner
table at my Hillbilly Sister's house. You know, the sister married
to the mayor.

In February, HH goes to China. Beijing. I asked him if he gets
to rent a car, or if he has to ride a bicycle. My brother-in-law-
the-mayor asked if HH is getting to ride in a rickshaw. Then
talk turned back to the guy from Colombia, who has been to
the Hillbilly Mansion with his wife and two boys. In fact, we
even sold him a 1982 Toyota Corolla. Anyhoo, HH said the
guy's wife was a great-niece of Fidel Castro. Maybe that's
why he has pull in Brazil, though I don't think Brazil and Cuba
have any connections. Brother-in-law then told HH he'd better
be careful because if he violated his visa by working, he might
get a "Colombian Necktie," which he thinks is when they cut
your throat and pull your tongue down through the hole. Oh,
this came up in an earlier discussion of a student (at my sister's
school) who was "playing around" in band and grabbed a kid
from behind and put a knife to his throat. Don't worry. She
said it was a joke. Ahem. Thank goodness the kids were playing
Texas Hold 'em in the basement. We are quite the poster family
for political incorrectness. Wait until the next post, in which HH
offends all of Europe.

No, I'm not neglecting my family on Christmas. #1 son was up
at 5:15 and I made him wait until 6:00 to open gifts. Then I had
time to do three loads of laundry, make two pies, wrap a couple
of stray gifts, take a shower, watch "Christmas from the 60s" on
the RFD channel, with Porter Wagoner, Dolly Parton, the Wilburn
Brothers, Loretta Lynn, Del Reeves, and Spec Rhodes, and now
am killing time until we
go to my Hillbilly Mama's house at 12:30.
I hope she has some
Mountain Dew (for ME, not the kids) because
that four
hours of sleep is going to catch up to me this afternoon.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Merry Christmas!

12:39 PM  
Blogger Misha said...

I think that is the coolest tractor I have ever seen. Wait, is it a tractor? I'd be using that to drive myself to and from work.

11:44 PM  
Blogger Hillbilly Mom said...

Thanks for the Christmas cheer. I'll miss you while you're on a blog hiatus.

That is more like a golf cart. We plan to let the kid drive it to our mailbox that's about a mile down the gravel road. He even puts on his seatbelt. This thing is also good for driving around to visit people or our other property, out here in gravel-road land. Yes, we have to visit vacant land, because once we caught a family having a barbecue there. They had parked their car, set up a grill and some lawn chairs and a cooler, and were vacationing on our property. SQUATTERS!

9:54 AM  
Blogger Rebecca said...

Hi Hillbilly Mom,
I look at that "car" and wonder if you are married to Action Man. Mind you, with the colour of the vehicle, you might have stolen Ken from Barbie.

7:06 PM  
Blogger Hillbilly Mom said...

Ken? How he get's all that action without any equipment is beeeyooond me! OK, so that's a movie quote from one of my old Bad Movie Trivia contests. But you know what I mean.

8:28 PM  

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