Saturday, January 21, 2006

Search Me!

Let's see what the new year has brought Hillbilly Mom in the way
of search inquiries, shall we? OK, you're right, you really don't have
a choice. I have kidnapped you from 2 minutes of your life and you
are merely along for the ride. And what a ride it will be. You are at
my mercy. Will I blindfold you and drive you around in circles?
(No, I'm pretty sure that's what Fitty does to his victims just before
he chops them up and puts them in 55-gallon barrels.) Will I take
you on a sightseeing excursion that lasts 4 hours, never stopping for
food, drink, or bodily function breaks? (No, that was my esteemed
Hillbilly Husband, before we were married.) Will I promise you that
even though I haven't come to visit you in 5 years, I am going to
take you on a fall sightseeing tour--and then instead sign you into
a nursing home? (No, that was my mother's friend.) Let's just get
right down to business. Fasten your seatbelt, Hillbilly Mom drives
fast. Feel free to sing along with the CD. Hillbilly Mom don't like
no radio. It might play current music.

Here's what we will be singing to today:
A Horse With No Name.....America
I'd Like to Teach the World To Sing.....The New Seekers
Summer Breeze.....Seals & Crofts
It's a Heartache.....Bonnie Tyler
The Lion Sleeps Tonight.....Robert John
Undercover Angel.....Alan O'Day
Cat's In the Cradle.....Harry Chapin
Just When I Needed You Most.....Randy VanWarmer
I'd Really Like to See You Tonight....
...England Dan & John Ford Coley
December 1963 (Oh What a Night)....
...Frankie Valli & the 4 Seasons

Now, lets get this show on the road. Here are some odd queries:

"where the sidewalk ends sleeping sardines" Jan. 2 got us off
to a good start. Is this person looking for the location where a
sidewalk kills sardines in their slumber? Or a place to let his little
fishies take a nap while he goes for a walk? I do know that I posted
about what I got for Christmas, which included 70s music, and Shel
Silverstein wrote that song "Cover of the Rolling Stone." I also said
I ate a Harry Potter sardine jellybean. So that's how they got here.

"forced in panties by mom" Gosh. How traumatic! Never had
this unfortunate experience. I don't remember blogging anything
like this, unless I mentioned old lady panties, but why would I?

"pigs of girls thongs showing" OK, people, if you're going to
search, and you're new to the English language, 'pigs' are porcine
animals. Perhaps you meant 'pics', which is the cool way to say
photos. If you want to see this, you should have come to my
school a couple years back, because every time a girl sat down,
you would have had your dose of perv crack. I might have said
how 'flip flops' were called 'thongs' back in my prehistoric days,
but that's it.

"old salad dressing expiration dates" Great Googley Moogley!
Are you trying to poison someone? Who looks up stuff like that? If
you already ate some old Thousand Island, maybe your time would
be better spent by dialing the Poison Control Center. I shared with
y'all the time my Hillbilly Mama served me some 4-year-old Ranch
Dressing. She meant well. When it looked watery, I checked the
date. DOH! Foiled again, Mother!

"the clapper television won't turn on" I think you are profanity-
challenged. The proper term would be "The f*****g television
won't turn on!" Is this a new brand of TV? Or a TV that is devoted
solely to 'clapper' commercials? Because I bragged about my son
getting the old folk gift of a clapper for Christmas, I was the answer
to your search. Be careful what you brag about.

"cat getting head cut off in a sunroof commercial" What's the
matter, nothing much on TV, so you want to call the kids in: "Hey,
young 'uns, looky what we got here! That there kitty got his noggin
popped clean off by that contraption!" ? Yes, there was such a
commercial, according to Mr. S at work, who saw it on the internet
when his students were doing research on past U.S. presidents.

"spank my children blog" I see...you're one of those parents who
would NEVER spank your children, so you want me to do it for you?
Grow a freakin' spine! Who's running the asylum, you or the inmates?
I will take care of my own children, thank you very much. And if I
have to pop them on the behind with my tender dishwater-chapped
hand to get their attention, so be it. I ain't talkin' wire coat hangers
or flyswatter handles, people. It's a hand. It really does hurt me
more than it hurts them. Wal-mart has been making those jeans
mighty thick these days.

There you have it. Another peep into the freak show that is Hillbilly
Mom's readership. Come on back now, y'hear? Even if you didn't
find what you were looking for this trip, there's always next time.

7 Comments:

Blogger LanternLight said...

Feel free to sing along with the CD

The choice of music is another form of parental discipline ain't it? :-)

While I like Happy Chapin's music, I hated Cat's In The Cradle.

How do you know what people are searching for against your blog?

9:39 PM  
Blogger Rebecca said...

Hi Hillbilly Mom,
I think someone should steal your car stereo, instead of Sheriff of Nothing's boyfriends car stereo.
No wonder the Land Stealer sold you that land. He want's to get far away from you too.
HooRoo
Rebecca

10:53 PM  
Blogger MamaKBear said...

The things people search for! I've been meaning to make a post like that for awhile...guess I should get to it!

Sorry I haven't commented in awhile, but I HAVE been reading! :)

11:06 PM  
Blogger Redneck Diva said...

I have been searching both of my stat sites this morning for a post JUST LIKE THIS! Dangit, now it looks like I'm copying.

10:34 AM  
Blogger Hillbilly Mom said...

Lantern,
My kids are brainwashed with the oldies music. I didn't like Cat's in the Cradle much either.

I use the free StatCounter.com, and it has the "recent keyword activity" stat that shows what search engine, and the string of words people used when they ended up at your blog.

Bec,
Boohoo, you would take away my only pleasure I have left, after absconding with my Sonic. That blasted LandStealer still lives right across from us. He probably squats on our land while we are gone to work.

MamaKB,
You have quite a blogroll to get through. I'll leave the porchlight on for you.

Diva,
You know what they say: Great minds think alike. Many's the time I have a great post (in MY mind) all ready to go, and then I find one somebody else did that same week. I never stole your yellow-jacket nest, though. The thought of that picture still creeps me out.

3:57 PM  
Blogger Stacie said...

I meant to tell you before, but I spank my kid, too. All too often lately, it seems. When do they grow out of that? She's 11-1/2, for goodness sake!

9:51 PM  
Blogger Hillbilly Mom said...

Stacie,
My just-turned-11-guy is all about the money. I "fine" him out of his allowance, which works about half the time. Sometimes, I will give him a choice of the spank or 30 min. in his room, cause he is getting too big to spank. He usually chooses the room time, I guess out of embarrassment, because I know my spank doesn't hurt his tough Wal-mart jeans clad butt.

7:54 AM  

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