Sunday, January 22, 2006

He's Baaaaack!

EEEeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! The horror! My Hillibilly Husband has
returned home from Brazil. And he is driving me crazy. He has
upset our group dynamic. We forgot how much we must cater
to his whims, how he thinks everything is ALL ABOUT HIM!
(Hrphf! The nerve of that man!). Don't think I'm being unkind to
the sire of my children, the ant to my picnic, the hemlock to my
tea, the antifreeze to my dog dish, the thorn to my side, the wad
to my panties, the finger to my Wendy's chili, the pooper to my
party, the sugar to my gas tank, the wrench to my plan, the fly to
my soup, the salt to my wound, the spill to my milk...

That reminds me, he DID spill my milk. I had to do the grocery
shopping this morning. For the first time in about 2 months, he
carried in the groceries. And he threw the Wal-mart sack with
the half-gallon of milk and the bunch of bananas onto the kitchen
table. I went to put it away, took out the milk, took out the
bananas, and there was something else in the bag. What? I peered
inside. It was a cup of milk. On the loose. The cap had not been
on the milk properly, and when he threw it down on its side, it
poured out. So then I had to wash off the bananas, the kitchen
table, the milk jug. I put the bag of milk in the sink, only to find
it stuck to a serving spoon when I tried to pour out the milk. I
shook it and swung it against the sink, but in the end I had to
grab that spoon and streeeeeetch the bag until it came loose. HH
had put his cough medicine spoon in the sink. More on that later.

Since his arrival Friday night/Saturday morning, HH has managed
to get on my last frayed nerve. Imagine that! Maybe I mentioned
(whined) that I've been sick. Since Monday night, I have not slept
more than 4 hours a night, what with the snot draining, and the
coughing. I tossed and turned, I flipped and flopped, like bacon
in a skillet, water on a hot griddle, popcorn in a microwave, a cat
on a hot tin roof, a mouse toyed with by a cat, a goldfish who "fell"
out of the bowl, a hot potato in a game potato.
You know what I mean.

HH told me he'd be home around midnight. I waited up, because
I knew I couldn't get to sleep. Around 12:20, I gave up and went
to bed. The last time I looked at the clock, it was 12:30. I fell into
a deep sleep. WooHoo! At 12:38, I was awakened by HH. He was
just glad to see me. There went my sleep. I had a lecture on how
I don't care about him. The next morning, I was in mid-conversation,
telling him about how his dog pined for him while he was gone. #2
son interrupted to say, "I missed you, Dad. I didn't get to take a
bath in the big tub." To which HH replied, "You're the ONLY one
who pays any attention to me." HELLOOOOO! I was talking to
him! Time to send out the invitations, order the cake, get out the
jar of clothespins, hang the donkey on the wall, and throw a great
big ol' pity party for HH.

But now, enough about him, let's talk about ME. I've been taking
the cough medicine, and reluctantly started the antibiotic Friday
night. I guess I really did need it. The yellowy-rusty snotty mucus
I was coughing up has turned to white. Oops! Are you squeamish?
Having a snack? Let me tell you some more about my body fluids.
I have this terrible cough. I wheeze. I coughed up hard chunks of
that yellowy-rusty stuff. Chunks. Not gooey, stretchy, stringy snot.
Chunks. It hurt. It took many tries to hawk it up. I was drinking
extra water, too. Maybe I should have gotten that little Mucinex
monster from the commercial. Anyhoo, the only relief I got was
from the cough medicine.

It is my favorite cough medicine. It is a generic. Histinex, I think.
It is orangy flavored, and oh, so sweet. I measure it in Kyle
Crocodile, a children's medicine spoon. I can take 1-2 teaspoons
every 4-6 hours. It does not make me drowsy. I can even take
it at school. It is good for what ails me, though it might be the
reason I can't sleep at night. The side effects said it can make
you drowsy, but can also make you agitated. Go figure. I think
those effects are balanced in me. I'm Even Steven, like on that
Seinfeld episode. Histinex is like crack for Hillbilly Mom. I take
that Kyle Crocodile, and lick every drop off his snout, like the
coke-heads on Intervention licking up every crumb. I fill his
gullet with water, and drink it until his fluids are clear. Can't
waste one precious drop of my Histinex. It thins the congestion,
yet dries up my itchy, watery eyes, ears, and throat. Then I
read the pharmacy information sheet. My beloved Histinex
contains hydrocodone, which I believe is a poor man's cousin
to oxycodone, who is the plain, frumpy half-sister to oxycontin.
(That s**t goes for $10 a pill, my students have told me. Not
that I was looking to buy it, mind you.) Now that I have shaken
his family tree, my Histinex is not such a knight in shining armor.
I'm a junky.

HH has some kind of nasty cough medicine. I tried it before I
got mine, but it gagged me. It did not help me in any way, shape
or form. It makes HH loopy. I noticed it because he drove us
to supper last night, and he wove from side to side. I asked it
he'd been drinking. "No. I took some cough medicine." OK,
you can legally kill us. He wouldn't let me drive. Last frayed
nerve. His medicinal effects could be because he takes so
freakin' much of it. Granted, he has had this cough since he
was in the hospital for his gout/pneumonia ordeal last fall. I
don't think they ever got rid of his not-pnuemonia. Anyhoo,
if the directions say "1 teaspoon", HH takes two. No Kyle
for him, he uses a serving spoon. "It's the same thing," he says.
Last frayed nerve. That's how the bag of milk clung to the
serving spoon.

This morning, I woke up coughing. From about 5:00 to 7:30.
I got up and drank some water, then sat up in a recliner. That
helped a little. I took off for Wal-mart, but didn't take my
buddy Histinex because hey, what if someone crashed into me,
they could say I was on oxycontin or something. After I came
out of Wal-mart, I got that draining snot tickle between the back
of my throat and my right ear. I coughed through the Sonic line
to get my Cherry Diet Coke. I coughed through the Save-A-Lot.
I coughed up 3/4 of a lung. I coughed until my eyes popped out
like those rubber little squeezy men with popping-out eyes. If
I had coughed any harder, I would have had to go back to
Wal-mart to buy some Depends.

I got home, put away the groceries, and took some sweet,
sweet, Histinex. Now I can breathe easy. For 4-6 hours.


Blogger Redneck Diva said...

I say go with the Hixtinex and forget about the narcotic in it. You can always tell them that you measure it out in ol' Kyle and you're taking the therapeutic amount. It'll hold up in any court. I've seen enough of The Practice to know.

I have coughed up chunks before, too. It is not all that much fun.

4:45 PM  
Blogger Redneck Diva said...

Hixtinex...looks like I've been hittin' the bottle as well.


4:47 PM  
Blogger Hillbilly Mom said...

You may have been hitting A bottle. Of what, I'm not so sure. At least you have an excuse. I coined a new word in my comments on my last post: excempt. The ONE time I don't preview...
My kid is driving me batty. Every two seconds he's in here blathering about something. Typical high-maintenance male.

6:35 PM  
Blogger Rebecca said...

Hi Hillbilly Mom,
If you have a cold, then anti-biotics will not help in any way. Actually they will help you lower your immune system, which makes it easier for bugs to invade.
Now that HH is home, how does his Brazillian Wax job look?

11:49 PM  
Blogger MamaKBear said...

That's true...antibiotics are useless against colds. When I get a cold I usually go for the Dayquil/Nyquil (liquicaps...can't stand the taste of the liquid med) thing and lots of Puffs w/ Lotion.

I'll have to try this Histinex you speak of next time I'm coughing up a lung like you...sounds like powerful stuff!

Hope you are feeling better soon!!

11:57 PM  
Blogger Hillbilly Mom said...

I am aware that antibiotics are useless against a cold. That's why I didn't start taking them Wednesday when I picked them up. I waited to see if it just felt like a cold. The cough was different than a regular cough. Two years ago, I had pneumonia, and it felt like that. I know, there's viral pneumonia too, and the antibiotics won't work for that. Anyhoo, all I know is that after three days of the anitbiotics, I am a new woman!

You just want me to waste away, so you can take over Hillmomba. I am wise to your ways.

HH has denied the wax, but he was up to something suspicious with his razor. Maybe he got an inspiration while he was there.

I have to watch the over-the-counter meds because I have high blood pressure. I used to take Coricidin, which worked pretty good for congestion/runny nose stuff. I will only use the Puffs with Lotion. I wish I had invented them.

7:50 AM  
Blogger Mr Bates said...

Be advised that there is not enough hydrocodone in your beloved Histinex to get you hooked. Otherwise, I'd be taking it! And chances are they put enough other crap in it to make anyone taking it recreationally spew like a fire hydrant. But I promise, hydrocodone and codeine - while habit forming (mmmmm...) - seem to actually cure coughs and congestion.

A cruel mistress, indeed!

8:02 AM  
Blogger Hillbilly Mom said...

That cruel mistress codeine kicks my a$$ every time. She knocks me out in about 3 minutes. B*tch!

10:38 PM  

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