Saturday, January 07, 2006

Hillmomba Strikes Back

As the sun sets over the sinkholes and 5th-wheel camper of
Hillmomba, it is time to plan our next attack on Beclakia.

We have a crew devoted to cutting off the tops of Budweiser
cans and packing them with possum and coon for tasty hillbilly
MREs. The hardest part of this job is supervising the can-cutters,
as they are wont to smash the cans against their foreheads, thus
ruining them as MRE containers.

Our Ambassador of Cheese, MrsCoach, has been bartering
with neighboring nations to acquire deodorant and toothpaste,
items that are hard to find in Hillmomba. She is quite an asset
to our little enclave, what with having unlimited access to free
cheese. Sadly, we've had to relieve MrCoach of his duty of
whipping the troops into shape. It seems his motto of "Go hard
or go home" got some of the troops all riled up. And not in a
good way. He is now assisting with entertaining our citizens.
I hear he has a traveling basketball comedy show in the works.

The Minister of Education, DeadpanAnn, was last seen running
after a fat white rabbit. I'm not sure what she was up to, but
I will give her an alibi if The Law comes snooping around
Hillmomba. She is irreplaceable, what with hot-wiring the old
copy machines, cooking up big pots of Not-Really Chili, and
kicking butts and taking names. Thanks to Miss Ann, most
Hillmombians can now read AND write. And draw naughty

Redneck Diva is our newly-appointed Casinos of the Caves
Administrator. She tests all the slots to see if they are paying
out correctly. Our Diva has a great plan to get back at
Beclakia for stealing our Royal Crown of Hillmomba, and
trying to steal Sonic. Shh...don't tell Rebecca, but Diva is
going to load up a slot machine with yellowjackets instead
of money, and ship it to Beclakia as a peace offering. Then
when they hit a jackpot, yellowjackets will swarm out instead
of money.

I know I have appointed people to my Hillmombian government.
I don't remember any others that I have given official titles. If I
gave you one, please let me know. If you have a special talent
that could help us keep Beclakia from taking over Hillmomba,
leave me a comment. You can even nominate yourself for a
cabinet position. I know several of you already immigrated when
Hillmomba had that special to enter the country for the low price
of a Sonic Cherry Diet Coke and a bag of pork rinds. It is not
what Hillmomba can do for you, people. IT IS WHAT YOU


Blogger Rebecca said...

Hi Hillbilly Mom,
Oh how once again you have shown your hillbilly ways. Your plan will never work, and here is why.
The can cutters will be too busy drinking the product, and will forget what they were meant to be doing with the cans, and end up going to play baseball with some letterboxes, while riding in the back of Jed's Pick Up.
You can stockplie all the cheese you want, but until you can work out how to get the plastic wrapper of the slices, it is useless. A bit like a bucket full of holes, or a Hillmomba citizen.
I'm sure the travelling comedy basketball show will be great. Hillmomba's will be entranced looking at Mr Coach bounce a ball. It will keep them watching for hours.
Miss Ann is the only good part of your plan. At least she is doing something that will show Hillmomba's that they are better off in Beclakia. Thanks to their new found skills or reading and writing, they can now nearly fill out the forms needed to cross the boarder to freedom. Now if only they knew maths too.
You can keep your one armed bandits too. Once those things start paying out, the Hillbillies will break them open to get out the rest of the honey. It is yet anothe rplan that has backfired on you Hillbilly Mom, before it has even started.
I'm glad a lot of people are migrating to Hillmomba, especially the Beclakians who go there. After all, when a Beclakian migrates to Hillmomba, it increases the IQ of both countries.

1:16 PM  
Blogger Chickadee said...

Ohhhh Hillbilly Momma I MUST join your army now, especially after reading that blasted note from Rebecca.

I may be a city slicker but I am familiar with the ways of the birds and the animals. I can plan and carry out a code brown attack with my furry and feathered friends.

I can carefully plant plant poison ivy and stinging nettle in places to slow her troops down.

Ya need bugs? Roaches, spiders and other creepy crawlies to scare her army?

I"m not frightened by nature's less than desireable aspects. Let me get down in the trenches to do the dirty work. All for Hillmomba!

9:08 PM  
Blogger Rebecca said...

Hi Chickadee,
As much as you think you have a good plan, there is one problem.
Many years ago, Beclakia was given a gift of food from Hillmomba. It was so bad we threw it out the window and started a war with the Hillmomba's. On the plus side, for years this food has been used as a pestacide, which as actually killed off all wildlife that comes with in 500 miles of Beclakia. You don't stand a chance.

9:58 PM  
Blogger Hillbilly Mom said...

I see you have a spy in our midst. We must play mailbox baseball, it is our national pastime. We would never throw away a bucket full of holes. Who knows when we might need such a thing? We loves us some bouncy things. Don't you dare steal Miss Ann away from us! And for your information, IQ is highly over-rated.

I am glad you see the danger that is Rebecca! I will gladly accept your services as Commander of the Hillmombian Army.

YOU AGAIN? We don't need your stinkin' wildlife! We will bring our own. And the animal kind, too. So you didn't eat our poisoned food. You didn't think we would send you the GOOD stuff, did ya?

11:22 AM  
Blogger Redneck Diva said...

I take my job very seriously, too. I was there just last night, making sure things were in proper working order. Minus the yellowjackets, of course. Those are just for those pesky Beclakians. MUAH HAHAHHAhahahha!!

2:45 PM  

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