Sunday, February 26, 2006

3rd Rule of Blog Club: Violated

I am cruisin' for a bruisin'. Achin' for a breakin'. I feel naaaughty.
I am bored. I am about to violate a rule. Back in the day, I was a
bit ticked-off at something somebody said to me. Well, something
somebody typed in response to what I typed in a comment, because
you know, we don't actually know who people really are in the big
blogosphere we call home. Anyhoo, I had an axe to grind, and I
broke the First Rule of Blog Club, which is not to talk about Blog
Club.

I am sure at some point, I violated a Second Rule of Blog
Club, which is not to call anybody out on their PERFECT lives
they ramble on about. I can't remember when or where I did that,
but somebody took offense because she said not everybody hates
her husband, and hers does happen to be perfect. OK then. That
post was not about you, and didn't apply to you. If my attitude
upsets you, then don't read my blog. I speak in generalities, not
specifics.

Now, I am going to violate the Third Rule of Blog Club: Don't
Criticize the Popular Bloggers. Because they are gods, it seems.

First off, don't go thinking it's someone on my blogroll. It isn't. I was
bored, I said, and I went blog-hopping. I might have been 10 or 15
blogs removed from one I visit regularly. You know how it is, you
click on one from their blogroll, then on one from that blogroll, and
so it goes. I've done this before, and noticed some generalities.
Why do commenters have to be such a$-kissers? They never
question anything the populars post. I might find some practices
questionable, but apparently nobody else does. That, or the blog-
owner deletes all comments that don't agree. I don't mean to say
that there are bloggers out there eating fetuses, or making lamps
out of human skin, or something heinous. But people do seem to
justify some odd things by their comments. Do people do this to
get a link? To look cool? To draw traffic to their own blogs? How
many new things can be said after 100 comments? I agree. Right
on. I do the same. What's the point of those comments?

Because I am a spiteful old hag, I am going to pretend I am a
popular blogger. Please read a post from my new blog below.

THE SH*T...POPULARITY AT IT'S ZENITH

Sunday, February 26 2006

IT'S THAT TIME AGAIN

Yep, it's that time again--time to go harvest the eyeballs out of
the kittens. I had to drive over to the kitten coop, since we put
it on our new farm, The Kitty Ranch. My kids should be OK
for the 5 or 6 hours I'll be gone. I put Augustus in the pet
carrier again, and handcuffed Mortimer to the bedposts. Had
to cuff the legs and arms this time. Who'd a-thunk he could
drag that four-poster bed all the way to the living room. He
is extremely buff for a 5-year-old. As a precaution, I gave
Augustus his grandaddy's pistol in case Mortimer gets loose
and starts poking him with the butcher knife again. Augustus
has darn good aim for a 2-year-old.


Do you think I'm rushing the harvest with these 3-week-old
kittens? I get a better price for the tender eyeballs. Once they've
aged a few more days, they toughen up, and I lose 1 cent per
eyeball. That really adds up. The kids love the harvest season.
All those kittens to play with (and by that I mean dropping
them in the sinkhole, chasing them with 4-wheelers, lining them
up for target practice, seeing whose dog can catch the most,
betting on which one falls off the porch first, etc.)


Tonight I am using some of the fresh eyeballs to make a delectable
chutney to serve with my rack of lamb. Pomegranate, kiwi, pawpaw,
kumquat, and fresh kitten eyeballs. Yum! I can hardly wait. In
fact, I'm going to get started right now. Tomorrow, I'll let you
know how it turned out.

posted by THE SH*T at 2:47 p.m. ....comments 8 sh*tters sh*tting


Great post, Sh*t! I love hearing about your daily life. Can't
wait to hear how that chutney turned out!
Butt-Smoocher

My kids love it when I send some fresh kitten eyes with caviar
and toast points in their lunch for Montessori school.
Snooty McSnooterton

There's nothing like fresh kitten eyes to add a burst of flavor.
I like to make my own pizza dough from scratch, then layer
fresh mozzarella, kitten eyes, and sun-dried tomatoes. So simple,
but so DELICIOUS! Baked on my pizza stone in my wood-
burning oven, it is TO DIE FOR!
MissKissieA$$

My Dearhubby loves the smoothie I make him with kitten eyes,
mango, and fresh-squeezed goat's milk! You ROCK, TS!
CocoaNose

Um...maybe it's just me, but popping out kittens' eyes is illegal
in my state. Could you substitute some other ingredient? Maybe
those imitation kitten eyes that are made from tofu? Wal*mart
has them in the deli. :)
Voice of Reason

We love the eye-harvesting season too! Nothing like popping
those puppies out with your thumbs and filling a bucket in no
time! Haha! I crack myself up! I referred to kitten eyes as
'puppies'! Haha! Love your blog! I'm adding you to my blogroll.
Sycophant

Great Googley Moogly, where is that ignorant Voice from?
Any fool knows that kitten eyeballs must be popped out with
a silver-plated platinum eye-scoop with a filigreed handle.
What a freak! I bet he's still doing it under the light of a full
moon, and wearing overalls instead of a silk apron! Country
bumpkin!
A$$munch


THE SH*T says...
Yeah, I'm gonna block Voice's IP. I don't need his kind of
sh*t here. How dare he discredit me on my own blog!

You're right about Psychophant, A$$munch. Freakin' Hayseed!


DISCLAIMER: This is NOT a real blog entry. It is not intended
to imitate any blogs I have or haven't read. It is a GENERALITY,
people, about how I think some commenters get ridiculous. It is
only MY opinion. Because we know it's ALL ABOUT ME.
(And we also know I'll never get another comment after this
display of naughtiness !!!)



25 Comments:

Blogger ill man said...

Totally agree HM............

;)

I'll get my coat.

You won btw....

4:59 PM  
Blogger Redneck Diva said...

Oh, I am steppin' up to the plate and I am a'commentin'!! (I would like to think I'm first because there are no others posted yet, but I end up bein' disappointed. *sigh*)

And while I'm up to the plate I'm giving you a standing O, a round of applause and 142 HOO-RAH's!! Just because I can and I like you and you're OH SO PRETTY and I'm kind of fond of kitten eyeballs myself. MmMmGoood!

Great post. You hit it right on the head. And I'm really not trying to be a snooty cocoa-nosed, a$$kissing, munching, smooching sychophant. I save all of that for Heather B. Armstrong. :D

5:02 PM  
Blogger Babs said...

I'm the first to save you from the big fat zero. Why? Because I'm part of the blog club!

Seriously, Hillbilly Mom, I did find all the uses for kitten eyeballs to be a bit disturbing. Kitten eyeballs? Oh, the darkness that lurks.

5:20 PM  
Blogger Hillbilly Mom said...

Ill Man,
WooHoo! I'm a wiener!

Glad to know it's not just me...WAIT A MINUTE!!!! Are you just smoochin' my beeeehiiiind?

Diva,
You can think you are first, just like Rebecca thinks she wins every contest.

I DO loves me some people kissin' my butt. I hate butt-kissers only when they are kissing someone else's butt. You get bonus points for reminding everybody that I'm OH SO PRETTY.

I don't read the Heather B., but I hear she's a dooce-y.


Babs,
You saved me from the big fat 0, but not from the standing O.

No kittens were harmed in the posting of this blog. I do not let out the dark side. I only needed something atrocious to show how people kiss butt. I have FIVE cats. Two I took from a teacher who had two litters to get rid of, and 3 we took in because they were dumped at our mailbox. AND they've all been fixed and had their shots and are more expensive than my boy young un's. (Just in case somebody might think I really hate cats.)

Not only are you part of Blog Club...you are part of Weekend Blog Club...the select few.

6:00 PM  
Blogger Rebecca said...

I agree with the last caller.

6:18 PM  
Blogger Rebecca said...

You Rock!

6:19 PM  
Blogger Rebecca said...

Get a life!

6:19 PM  
Blogger Rebecca said...

Don't you just hate it when people do one line comments that mean nothing at all?

6:20 PM  
Blogger Rebecca said...

Yeah, cats should be used like sharks. If it is good enough to just cut the fins of sharks, it is good enough to just take the eyeballs from kittens.

6:20 PM  
Blogger Rebecca said...

Hi Hillbilly Mom,
I hope with the last lot of comments I wrote, you will get a bit closer to that 100 comments on your blog entry thing.
Not only do a lot of people put themselves on a soap box when they blog, they seem to think they rule the world. In a Pinky and the Brain kind of way.
HooRoo
Rebecca

6:22 PM  
Blogger Hillbilly Mom said...

Rebeccas #1-6
1) Good for you. Because it was ME!
2) Yes,I DO! Toot,toot,yeahh,beep,beep
3) I have been shopping around for one
4) Yes. They PISS ME OFF!
5) I'll take your word for it. We don't have many sharks in landlocked Hillmomba.
6) Wow! All this A$$-kissing, and 100 comments too. I'm going to be POPULAR!
I have the soap box because I buy my #2 son soap whenever he asks for it.
I'll be working on that taking-over-
the world plan later tonight. Same as I do every night. If you know what I mean.

6:41 PM  
Blogger Redneck Diva said...

Hillbilly Mom's new motto:

"I'm not only a member of Blog Club, I'm also the President."

6:54 PM  
Blogger Hillbilly Mom said...

Diva,
That one made me HeeHaw!
And while I'm at it, Miss Diva, I think you should know that I was checking out your "See how popular I am" link, and found a most disturbing keyword search:

"I'm going to Miami, I'm going to the fair, to see a senorita, with flowers in her hair." What's up with that?

Also, I'm going to have to comb through your archives to see why someone got there looking for "Jake and Heath kiss photo" and "receipt for homemade jungle juice".

And...is it just me, or do SO MANY photos of Rebecca flashing kind of creep you out? Is this Beclakian revenge of some kind? Why am I asking YOU? I'M the Blog Club President, for cryin' out loud!

7:04 PM  
Blogger Lessa said...

Just another shining example about why I love me some OH SO PRETTY Hillbilly Mom posts! You know, once I tried to replace the kitten eyeballs with a lesser grade of gerbil eyeballs? but man - all them lil beady eyes made me sick! only the best for me!

I agree though - silly asskissers. course, I might be a bit jaded since I ain't got none on my lil piece of the blogasphere - guess i'm not POPULAR enough to have people kiss my (considerably large sized) arse! Harumph!

9:24 PM  
Blogger Hillbilly Mom said...

Lessa,
Gerbils are like rats. Cute, cuddly kittens have better eyeballs, of course. And you, too, get the OH SO PRETTY bonus points.

My commenters usually don't pucker up so much. I prefer it that way. Unless they want to holler about a LARGE BLOOD PRESSURE CUFF.

9:58 PM  
Blogger LanternLight said...

Why am I asking YOU? I'M the Blog Club President, for cryin' out loud!

Perhaps there IS room on the mantle for the Presidental Mitre AND the FIGJAM Sonic cup.

I might find some practices
questionable, but apparently nobody else does.


I agree, but I don't visit those sorts of blogs... The blogsphere is certainly a broad church of opinion.

Because I am a spiteful old hag, ...

But an OH SO PRETTY one :-)

Spaf's "three axioms of Usenet" equally apply to the blogverse IMHO
(http://homes.cerias.purdue.edu/~spaf/quotes.html)

p.s. congrats on the win.

10:15 PM  
Blogger Zohguy_Saiyajin said...

Helloooooooo redneck! (: Ic! Ic!

11:56 PM  
Blogger Mr Bates said...

Well, I keep getting dropped from blogrolls, so I figure I'm not kissing enough ass. Do I have to use tongue as well?

BTW - I went to see West Side Story down at USM Saturday, and thought of you whilst Maria was chirping "I'm so pretty"!

(But I do know how to kiss Hillbilly Mom's butt! I better not tell her that I also thought about Buffalo Bill right after that...)

8:28 AM  
Blogger MrsCoach2U said...

Damn! I was just gonna post "I agree" and go on to another blog, but apparently that isn't kosher now. How about, as Ambassador of Cheese, I am allowed one ass-kissing reply a week?!


Drunken Spelling was almost my name this time! That's really creepy!!!!!

8:33 AM  
Blogger Rebecca said...

Hi Hillbilly Mom,
The flashing Bec's will be a thing of the past very soon.
HooRoo
Rebecca

2:56 PM  
Blogger Hillbilly Mom said...

Lantern,
I have a fake mantle, over my electric fireplace. It's in the basement. I don't like wood smoke. I will have to move the Galileo floaty thermometer thingie that my friend Mabel gave me for Christmas one year. And an old clock that doesn't work that HH put there. The mantle will now be ALL ABOUT ME.

Thanks for the congrats. Bonus points to you, too.

Zohguy,
Hellooooooo! Do you watch Seinfeld? That is the kind of hello I just said. The jolly belly-button man hello.

Mr.,
Eeewwww! Don't make me picture the tongue thingie! My influence reaches far and wide. Now I have you thinking about me while watching Natalie Wood lip-sinc. Now, for the Buffalo Bill thing...do you mean the Old West icon, or the TV show starring Dabney Coleman, or the psycho killer in Silence of the Lambs? I'm not sure which is worse. But at least it wasn't a brown-nosy butt-kissing!

Mrs.,
Rank has its privilege. Yes, you may kiss my a$$ once per week. About the name verification thingie...perhaps you haven't heard that I'm psychic. Don't be afraid. I use my powers for good, not evil.

Bec,
That concerns me. What fresh h*ll do you have planned for us now?

8:49 PM  
Blogger LanternLight said...

Galileo floaty thermometer thingie that my friend Mabel

Mabel rocks! I love those things... Too cheap to buy one for myself, but there's always Santa I suppose.

4:17 AM  
Blogger Hillbilly Mom said...

Lantern,
Yes, Mabel DOES rock! She is my Santa. And...she gave me $10 worth of lottery tickets on my birthday, and I won $16!

6:39 PM  
Blogger Stacie said...

Congrats on winning. I voted for you. Is that too much a$$ kissing? Pucker up, Buttercup.
I've never tried the kitten eyeballs. I might have to try them on some whole wheat toast or maybe in some veggie soup. I'm allergic to cats, will that make a difference?

8:41 PM  
Blogger Hillbilly Mom said...

Stacie,
Thanks for the vote. That's some good smoochin'. I think your allergy will be OK if you keep some Benadryl handy.

10:07 PM  

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