Sunday, February 19, 2006

New War For Hillmomba?

;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;)

NEW WAR FOR HILLMOMBA?

How's that for a headline? Let's see where it's headed.

On my "Hillbilly Mom Wants Revenge" post, JustLinda left a
comment that "...teachers are SOOO mean." OK Linda, make a
Note To Self, JustSoYouKnow: "Dear Self, calling a teacher 'mean'
is considered grounds for a battle in the teacher's code of conduct."
I'm sure you didn't know that, Linda. And since I AM an educator,
I am tryin' ta learn ya.

JustForAMinute, I'd like to give Linda equal time. About as equal
as she's going to get on MY blog. Anyhoo, I inadvertently (OK,
I flat out on purpose) mentioned that Linda uses fungus medicine
on her foot every night. JustToShow how mean a teacher can really
be. I must live up to my reputation, you know. I really wasn't telling
people anything they couldn't have read at Linda's own blog. Linda's
blog has many more readers than the comments here at the Mansion,
I am sure. Even counting the ones who don't read the comments,
but now have a chance to read it here, on the main page. Read
what, you ask? That Linda uses a fungus medicine on her foot
every night. Are we all up to speed now?

Linda came back to comment that she knows how blog wars get
started. Linda, I don't remember if you were reading me way back
when the Hillmomba-Becklakia conflict began. Probably not during
the original declaration of war, but maybe one of the later battles.
Now it seems that Rebecca is ready to join forces with Hillmomba
to put you down, then resume our little war. I am saving you, Linda.
I don't know why. I JustAm. Maybe I can come up with some good
reasons. I am a creature of logic, and I want to make sure I am
making the right decision.

HILLMOMBA SHOULD MAKE PEACE WITH LINDA

1) Hillmomba has already committed troops and resources to
fighting the long-running Beclakian conflict. We can not spread
ourselves too thin, or there will be nobody left at home for the
manufacture of our #1 export, crystal meth. Without it, our country
might have to borrow money, and acquire a national debt. We are
cash-on-the-barrelhead hillbillies, and don't want to be beholden to
NOBODY. And we don't want to spread ourselves thin because
then we would be...well...thin, and we might start puttin' on airs,
and then we wouldn't want to be hillbillies no more.

2) Linda can probably muster a stronger army than Hillmomba.
Linda has more readers. Linda has a weapon of mass destruction:
toe fungus. We ain't wantin' none of that. Linda's army would be
more fired up than Hillmomba's, this being their first war and all.
Linda's army would do anything if she promised them Cheddar
Bay biscuits, which are a powerful motivator that Hillbilly Mom
can not match. And above all, Linda has a clever wit, and could
rip a new one for Hillbilly Mom.

3) Linda's nation is too close to Hillmomba. We share the same
geographical area. Beclakia is across the ocean. Linda-Land is in
my back yard. OK, my side yard, to the north, to be specific. By
about 50 miles, to be exact. Hillbilly Mom could not sleep at night,
what with worryin' Linda might launch a sneak attack, and come
a-sneaking through the fence-row, fungus in toe. EEEE! The horror!

4) Hillmomba is really a peace-loving county. We JustWanna
extend the cannabis leaf to Linda, and not worry about the war
no more. Well, really we don't, because Hillbilly Mom is a teacher,
and doesn't know anything about that stuff except that now the
school calls the barkless drug dog for locker inspections, and he
doesn't make a racket and alert the kids to why we're on lockdown,
and HM does not want to imply that Linda has any knowledge of
said illegal substance by offering any to her and her citizens.

5) Hillbilly Mom has no gripe with you today, Linda. Stand aside,
as she takes the reins in her teeth and charges across the meadow
at Rebecca, six-guns a-blazin', and hopes that her faithful horse,
Judy, does not put a foot wrong and trap her under the heavy
horseflesh to be gunned down by Lucky Bec Pepper. Oops!
My mind wandered for a minute to my favorite Academy-Award-
winning movie, True Grit, which has possibly the worst acting of
any movie I've ever seen, but for some reason I like it, I really
like it, even more than people liked Sally Field in Places In The
Heart.

6) Hillbilly Mom really has no issues with toe fungus. She has a new
stray puppy that has some sort of skin condition that is definitely
not a toe fungus, and probably not ringworm, and she likes him
JustFine, even with the condition and all. Hillbilly Mom JustMight
have a plantar wart on her foot, but maybe not, because JustMaybe
she has been treating the plantar wart she JustMight have with duct
tape like she read about on the internet.

7) Hillbilly Mom does not want Linda to lure away her Minister of
Cheese, MrsCoach2U, because then there would be all that free
cheese to make even more Cheddar Bay biscuits to fortify the
troops.

8) There is really nothing to see there.

HILLMOMBA SHOULD MAKE WAR WITH LINDA

1) Blog fodder.


OKAAAAY....I think it is clear that a war with Linda is not in the
best interests of Hillmomba at this time. Linda, Hillbilly Mom
apologizes to you for mentioning your TOE FUNGUS. It will
not happen again. And by that, I mean that I will not discuss your
TOE FUNGUS on my blog after this post. Unless I think of
something really funny to say about it. Funny in my mind, because
I crack myself up, but not too many other people. Especially the
ones who have TOE FUNGUS.

Disclaimer: I do not have any issues with the people I declare war
on. I am not mad at anybody. I am not trying to embarrass them.
It is for entertainment purposes only. Which is not to say that it
is
fake like professional wrestling or that we use a script to pick
a
pre-determined winner.

9 Comments:

Blogger Huggies said...

WAR WAR WAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

5:13 PM  
Blogger LanternLight said...

"Dear Self, calling a teacher 'mean' is considered grounds for a battle in the teacher's code of conduct."
I'm sure you didn't know that, Linda. And since I AM an educator,
I am tryin' ta learn ya.


Weren't educated by Nuns, by any chance???

7:48 PM  
Blogger Hillbilly Mom said...

Huggies,
Oh, yes. You're all about the WAR, until you find out that there will be no pr0n!

I checked out your musical tastes the other day, and what should I find there but pr0n!

Oh, and this doesn't have anything to do with pr0n, but in reference to one of your songs, Stevie Nicks' Silver Springs...I have a DVD about the making of Rumours, and I think it was supposed to be on that album, but it was too long, and Stevie had a fit about it. Then when they released the singles, they used songs from the album, and Silver Springs was left off the singles too. I'm just saying...it's been awhile since I watched that DVD, so I don't remember it exactly.


Lantern,
Nope. No nuns. That's just the way the hillbilly teachers talk. And some have tattoos, too.

8:02 PM  
Blogger Redneck Diva said...

I notice that Mrs. Coach was mentioned as one that you didn't want lured away, but I, Redneck Diva, wasn't mentioned. *sniff* If JustLinda starts makin' biscuits, I might be tempted to stray. I'm not idly threatening, but I mean, I was only the one who pushed for DoNotDay for ya. I realize I'm not the Amabassador of Cheese, but geez, I do provide you with ghostly entertainment! *sniff sniff*

Drunken Spelling Challenge: mnmbluz
The only time I have the M&M blues is when I'm out of M&M's.

9:15 PM  
Blogger Rebecca said...

Hi Hillbilly Mom,
What do you mean this war is not scripted? I've scripted it, and all I can see is Beclakia winning.
When I get back from my holidays, I will restart the war in full motion. Until then, I will just sit here in my glass house throwing stones.
HooRoo
Rebecca

11:06 PM  
Blogger Hillbilly Mom said...

Diva,
Bless your pea-pickin' heart! I didn't mean to slight you, especially after all that hard work for DoNotDay. Of course I don't want to lose you to Linda's Cheddar Bay biscuits. Remember, Hillmomba has the official Chex Mix.

Bec,
Don't go puttin' on airs because you have a glass house! You go right on thinking you have scripted the winner to this war. While you are busy throwing stones, we are busy doing what we do every night: "Try to take over the world!"

4:30 PM  
Blogger ill man said...

Blogwar?

Now theres an idea......

To be honest if I did it, it might just get out of hand and involve actual human casualties....

I'll leave it 'Hillmomba'

4:31 PM  
Blogger Redneck Diva said...

I beg your forgiveness, Hillbilly Mom. How could I have forgotten the Official Chex Mix!??!

I shall never stray, no matter how many biscuits Linda waves under my nose.

12:09 PM  
Blogger Hillbilly Mom said...

Ill Man,
I'm an old hand at the blog war, thanks to my enemy Rebecca. No bloodshed yet, but she almost signed her own death warrant when she bought the Sonic fast-food chain and eliminated Cherry Diet Coke from the menu. You don't mess with Hillbilly Mom's Sonic Cherry Diet Coke.


Diva,
I knew you'd return to the fold. Hopefully not like a lamb to the slaughter...Hillmomba is a powerful nation, what with feeding the troops Chex Mix and Sonic Cherry Diet Coke.

6:21 PM  

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