Friday, February 10, 2006

Hillbilly Mom Rants On

If only I had something to say. Now you have to listen to tales of
my mundane existence yet again. What's to report? Hmm...our road
is a muddy mess. Not because the 4 inches of "dry flurries" we
received on Wednesday have melted. You see, our neighbor, the
LandStealer, must not be working lately. He is filing bankruptcy.
Now he has time on his hands, so he plowed the snow off the road
Wednesday with his little Bobcat. Except that he confused "snow"
with "gravel we pay $125 a load for because one of the guys here
doesn't charge us labor." AND he came across the road from
clearing HIS driveway of snow, scooped up a bunch of gravel
from the road, and shoved the whole pile into OUR field. Now the
snow has melted and we have a pile of mud. I think there's some
gravel in it. There are piles like this all along the road, except on
HIS land.

After I cruise up the Big Muddy, I have to navigate the Hillbilly
Garage. All snow has melted except that right in front of my
garage door. It must never see the sun. There's a slippery frozen
crust of snow. I must put the large SUV back into 2WD to make
the sharp turn. I must be careful not to slip, because I only have
4 inches of clearance on each side to get in the door. Once I get
in, I must wade through the 3-inch puddle at the back of my SUV
to haul in all our junk. This is a mini-glacier when the temperature
is a normal winter temperature. Now it is just Lake Hillbilly. Oh,
and did I mention that one of the cats peed in the garage this
morning? Because there is no mistaking the odor of cat pee. The
house I rented with the potheads reeked of it. Much like Renee
Zellweger as Ruby Thewes despised a floggin' rooster, I despise
a pissin' cat. I'll find out who did it, and THEN he'll be sorry.
But I won't pop off his head and say, "Let's put 'im in a pot!"

My #1 son says they had to create currency today in 5th grade,
for an English-speaking country. He works kind of fast, that boy,
and after he was done heard that it was supposed to be a REAL
country. My boy had made currency for Hillmomba. I'm sure his
teacher thinks he is only playing 51-Card Pickup. The Hillmomba
cash was approved, seeing as how it was already made. I thought
I would be flattered, until the boy told me that my face was on the
ONE DOLLAR bill. I can't get no respect. Then he elaborated
that he drew me with only two teeth, and I had a flies buzzing
around my head that landed on my upper gum, and my lower
gum. I have a feeling that on that currency, I am, sadly, not

#2 son is recovering quickly from his pneumonia. He finished his
3-day antibiotic last night. He had a bit of a cough because he
admitted to "galloping after my hoop" when it almost got away.
Yes, I know I have an odd family. I sent him a note to PE asking
that he not exert himself by running, or otherwise raising his heart
rate, due to the pneumonia and unreported EKG results. I used
to teach PE, people, and this note to me would scream:
"LAWSUIT if you make my kid run." They had been physical
fitness testing this week, with jogging to warm up, then shuttle
run testing. Of course my kid had to break my own rule and
gallop, which he says is different from running. Technically.

My Hillbilly Husband's latest doghouse faux pas will have to wait
until tomorrow, as it is a story in itself.

And now, on to the national news. What is with that woman who
wanted to sue for her daughter being eliminated from the spelling
bee? Can you say "SORE LOSER"? Granted, the kid spelled it
right...but the time to protest was IMMEDIATELY. Gosh.
Officials make mistakes. I believe that's what Mike Holmgren
was trying to convey when he announced that he didn't know his
team would also have to compete against the men in striped shirts
at the Super Bowl. Here's a big bowl of sour grapes, Mike. It's
over and done. Crybaby. It's probably karma.

What about that 15-year-old kid and his 37-year-old pregnant
wife? Which one is crazier? Let's see...The kid gets sex, someone
to pay for stuff he wants, no rules, someone to pay his bail to get
him out of jail while his burglary charges are pending. The woman
gets sex, a pimple-faced 'husband' who can not drive or hold a
job as the breadwinner, the title of 'Pedophile', a baby to raise up
and set a good example for, a stepfather for her son to play with
(being the same age and all). Yes, I would say the wife takes the
cheese as the craziest one.

What is up with these Letourneaus? Have you people seen a
15-year-old boy lately? These women need a reality check. 15-
year-old boys have pimples. Most do not shave yet. Some do
not have underarm hair. They shoot spitwads. They make them-
selves fart, because it is SO funny. They laugh if a teacher reads
that the lunch menu is "wieners." They are not even coordinated
enough to bat around a tissue box without it getting away and
whacking a teacher. They throw food at lunch. They walk out
on thin ice to see if it will hold them. They believe wrestling on
TV is real. Their main mode of transportation is skateboard.
They say things like "My friend Franklin has a large bra."

I fail to see the charm.


Blogger Chickadee said...

In regards to the obnoxious neighbor, I think you need to gather a big pile of poo, (horse and cow poo would be preferable, but dog poo would suffice) and stick that on his lawn and front porch. Jerk head.

I saw that Spelling Bee whiner on the Channel 5 news at noon. What a drain of money that would be on the school if she did take them to court. Not only is she a sore loser, she's not thinking of what's really important...her child is LEARNING, gaining an education. And if she's suing the school, she's taking a teacher's salary, funds set aside for books and utilities. GET OVER IT LADY. Ugh.

11:14 PM  
Blogger Redneck Diva said...

I haven't watched TV in oh, like, three or so days, so if the sore speller was on in that time-frame, I haven't seen it. If it was on before that time frame, I have excuse but that I am a poor citizen and rarely watch the news. But thanks to your crackerjack reporting, HM, I am now up to speed.

When I was 18 I - in an episode of utter stupidity and raging hormones - started dating a 15 year old. It didn't last long. I got really tired of driving him everywhere, having better conversations with his parents and watching him play video games ALL THE TIME. husband is 10 years older than me and I'm still doing this....Man, I suck.

10:07 AM  
Blogger Hillbilly Mom said...

We have plenty of puppy poo to fling.

I, too, saw the whiner on Channel 5. I was so distracted by their ADD-inspired new set that I didn't hear what state the spelling bee was in.

I'm happy to keep you informed of what is going on in the world.

Hmm...WHAT were you thinking? At least you have the excuse that you were 18 and didn't know any better. I certainly hope you've learned your lesson. I would guess that Mr. Diva at least changes his underwear and socks daily, and doesn't have that "I've worn these clothes for 3 days and sweated in them in PE too" funk about him.

10:43 AM  
Blogger deadpanann said...

I'm with chickadee except I think that cat poo would be far more effective. Just as there is no mistaking (or escaping) the stench of cat piss, the stench of cat poo is at least as repugnant.

Oh, and as for the innumerable unattractive characteristics of 15 year old boys, my students not only believe that farts are hilarious, but that O.J. was truly innocent, and that the reason the verb form is incorrect is because "It ain't be soundin right."

I would have to say that having sex with one of them would not be worth the jail time. Why don't the Letourneau types just eliminate the middle man and go straight to having sex with a 300 pound woman named Bertha?

11:52 AM  
Blogger Hillbilly Mom said...

Miss Ann,
You sure do know your cat poo. I can't fling it, though, because our cats hide their poo.

Can your students speak like the late, not-so-great Johnnie Cochran? If the verb don't fit, that ain't be it.

These women freak me out. What are they getting out of it? Power? Cause I don't think the 30-second sex is worth the jail time.

1:11 PM  

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