Sunday, February 05, 2006

A Hillbilly Mom Dinner Party

I have the most scathingly brilliant idea...OK, truth be told, I stole
this idea from an interview on Misha's new e-zine, SCRAWLED.
What 10 celebrities would I invite to dinner if I could? Well, since
I am Hillbilly Mom, that question is not so simple.

First of all, I would only invite 5 at a time. That's because with
more, they might talk amongst themselves, and then they wouldn't
be paying enough attention to ME. Also, I would have to make
too much food for the dinner. This ain't no catered affair--it's
dinner at the Hillbilly Mansion. Picture it kind of like Oprah's
dinners for authors featured in her book club. Except that James
Frey guy had better bring a food taster.

I would make a big table out of 4 x 8 plywood, the good stuff, not
the fiberboard, and some sawhorses. I'd cover it with a red-and-
white-checkered tablecloth. We would sit on the metal lawn
chairs that I have on my porch and in my yard. Only four of them
match, two people would either feel like losers, or like they're
special. Drinks would be well water, Sonic Cherry Diet Coke,
or Michelob Dry. Only the best for my guests. None of that
Milwaukee's Best Light which once upon a time may have been
consumed by Hillbilly Mom, before she gave all that up May 27,
1992 (not that I'm counting or anything).

Food for the event would be prepared on site, with my Hillbilly
Husband manning two charcoal grills. He is a master of the BBQ.
We'd have some pork steaks and hamburgers and chicken. For
side dishes, potato salad, deviled eggs, baked beans, and garlic
cheese bread. Shh...the secret to the potato salad and deviled
eggs is the dill pickle juice, and the beans' secret is Worcestershire
sauce. Don't tell. That's what secret means. If anybody on the
guest list is doing the low-carb thing, HH will peel the skin off
the chicken and leave off the BBQ sauce. That, or they can go
hungry. We are not big on desserts here at the mansion. Perhaps
we could fetch some Edy's Grand Triple Chocolate ice cream
for the dessert.

While waiting for HH to finish the main course, we'd sit around
with Chex Mix and drinks, shooting the bull, chewing the fat,
jacking the jaws, blabbering the mouth, shooting the s***. For
one day, it would not be all about me. The dogs would be tied
up, as would the children. The cats would be free to roam, except
for the yellow-striped one who jumps into your arms while you
are standing, and uses his claws to climb you like a tree, or makes
a kamikazee run through the open door which results in his tail
being stepped on and a loud meOOOWWW! He would be
closed up in the barn to hunt mice.

For the first dinner, I would invite people who have come from
nothing. They have made names for themselves when all odds
were against them. Dolly Parton, Oprah Winfrey, Jim Carrey,
Gretchen Wilson, Jeannette Walls. OK, Jim, I gave you a harem.
No criticizing my choice of women. Here are the things I'd like
to know from each of them.

Dolly, how did you get yourself out of that holler and onto Porter
Wagoner's show. There wasn't even a road to your house. You
had to walk miles to school. Why is it that you graduated from
high school, and your three older siblings did not? What gave
you that drive to succeed? You didn't always have your uncle
there to bully people. How did you make it in such a man's world
back in the day and culture when women were just accessories
for men?

Oprah, how did someone as ugly as you make it in the visual TV
medium. No offense, Oprah, but I've seen old pictures of you.
How in the world did somebody decide you should be on TV?
I don't mean to be shallow and critical, just realistic. Who would
have ever thought you could make it? Do you look out over your
empire now, and take pleasure in your last laugh? I know you
use your wealth to help people. Do you ever want to keep it all?

Jim, how can a kid who lived in a car become a world-famous
celebrity? Has it gone to your head? I am not really a fan of your
type of comedy, but I would love to know the steps you took
to get to where you are.

Gretchen, I know you had a rough life. Do you ever regret being
an 8th grade drop-out? Were you not interested in school, was
it the home life you had to deal with, or was it feeling like you
knew more than the school could teach you? Who in their right
mind would let you hang around a bar in your formative years?

Jeannette, how did you manage to deal with your living conditions
without giving up? Did you ever in your wildest dreams imagine
that the story of your life would become a best-seller?

That is the plan for the Something From Nothing Dinner Party.
Others that I have in mind will be Songwriters, Actors Who
Make Me Believe They Are Their Characters, Actors With
Little Talent, Authors, and Freaks I Can't Stand. OK, so maybe
I should re-word the invitation for that last group, or they may
not want to come.

It's my party, and I'll blog if I want to.


Blogger Chickadee said...

Ohhh, I wanna come over. Your menu sounds dee-lish.

I didn't know that Gretchen was an 8th school dropout. I knew that she grew up in a bar. Did she ever get a GED or anything?

Thanks for commenting...and yes, I had 19 people...20, counting me. My mother-in-law, who knows my feelings about the number 19, was sitting in the audience at my presentation and she counted everyone and whispered to my husband:

"There's 19 people in this audience. Don't tell Chickadee."


9:29 PM  
Blogger Hillbilly Mom said...

It was on one of those CMT shows a couple months ago. They made it sound like she dropped out of 8th grade and went right to being a bouncer in a bar.

Glad to see you survived the 19 thingie.

11:55 PM  
Blogger The Unrepentant Gallivanter said...

Mmmmm, Chex mix appetizers. I ate a whole bag of Chex mix last night. (So now my pregnant body is even more bloated from all the salty goodness.) And it was my last one from our trip down to NY. : ( They don't sell it up here. They sell some faux mix called "Cheerios snack mix." What, are the cheerios supposed to trick me into thinking it is healthier or something? I just want Chex mix!!!!!

4:32 PM  
Blogger Hillbilly Mom said...

U R Gal,
Cheerios are the worst part of the Chex Mix. It is CHEX Mix, not CHEERIO Mix. I pick them out, but they are my Hillbilly Mama's favorite.

I like the home-made better than the bagged, but it will do in a pinch.

8:52 PM  
Blogger Redneck Diva said...

Oh yeah, now to comment on the actual blog content....

Interesting group of people to invite. I'd invite a bunch of hot, hunky men. Eye candy for dessert!

9:10 AM  
Blogger Hillbilly Mom said...

I read your other comment, but I accidentally "moderated" it into oblivion. You see, I thought R E J E C T meant publish. Oh, least I didn't thing "brow" was pronounced "bra."

So the reason I told U R Gal that bagged Chex mix was OK is because yes, she's pregnant, and she's all bloated, and to top that off, she's a foreigner to us, and doesn't know all the idiosyncracies of a good Chex Mix. They have some freakish rip-off called Cheerios snack mix, for cryin' out loud. So she may never have tried the REAL out-of-the-oven homemade type.

You, on the other hand, should know the difference, Dear Diva, Dear Diva. Have I made you think of that hole-in-the-bucket song yet? I have been trying for days.

As for your hot hunky men...isn't the purpose of a DINNER party to consume FOOD? Perhaps you had some other type of party in mind.

5:21 PM  

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