On the Home Front

I have been so entertained by my students lately that I've forgotten
to ridicule my family! Let's get right to it.

I was in trouble Friday morning. Seems that my Hillbilly Husband
didn't take kindly to my going to bed without him. Let me fill you
in on the facts. He leaves for work at 6:00 a.m. He arises at 5:20,
after hitting the 10-minute snooze button twice. It's like clockwork.
Actually, it is clockwork, that snooze button thingy. HH requires
oh....I don't know....about 13 hours of sleep a night. At least on
the weekends. During the week, he'll go to bed around 9:00 or
10:00.

I, however, am a creature of the night. I stay up late. Summers,
it is until 2:00 or 3:00 a.m. During the work week, I try to be in
bed by midnight. I actually start the nighttime ritual around 11:15,
but there are always things I've forgotten to do, like set out part
of the boys' lunches, or lay out their clothes, or sign their school
planners, etc. I arise at 4:20 a.m., pack the lunches, take a shower,
and squeeze in a 45 minute nap in the recliner before HH leaves
for work. I know. We're messed up.

So the problem was that Thursday night, I came upstairs from
my basement lair that contained my office and big screen TV and
sleeping #1 son, and discovered HH asleep in the recliner. He
was all stretched out in his tighty-whiteys, just a pillow over his
chest. I can't explain the pillow, but the TW are his normal attire
after a bath in the giant triangular tub with jets. Summer or winter,
that's it. In the summer, he sometimes even sits on the porch in
them. We're hillbillies. Don't drop in after supper.

I let the sleeping HH lie. The point being that I've woken him up
before and told him to go to bed, and he didn't go back to sleep.
He passed the time talking to me, who was TRYING to sleep.
I figured he'd already slept a good 3 hours by that time. More
than half of what I was going to get total. I've also covered him
up before in the recliner, which WOKE him. So I left him sawing
logs, and went to bed. I don't know what time he came to bed,
because I was apparently re-sizing some tree trunks myself. He
was mad when he left for work. "You just let me LAY there!
I was freezing! Why didn't you tell me to go to bed, or at least
cover me?" Everybody play the world's smallest violin for HH.

I don't take kindly to being blamed for his sleep faux pas. He
is an adult. Put on some freakin' clothes if you get cold! Cover
yourself with a blanket when you first recline! Better yet, go to
bed instead of reclining. You know you can't stay up late watching
those "how to murder your wife" shows on TLC and CourtTV.
You need more sleep than a newborn. DO NOT BLAME ME!
Do you ever check on me? NO! I fell asleep in the downstairs
recliner Friday night. Did you come cover me, or tell me to wake
up and go to bed? NO! Am I griping at YOU for it? I AM NOW!
Just on general principles.

Anyhoo, this was not a major fracas. He is over it now. I didn't
even have to throw a roll of toilet paper at him or anything.

Hmm...moving on to my sweet, sweet, #2 son...He was in trouble
at school a couple weeks ago (GO FIGURE!), but that is a long,
long post on its own. This morning, after HH left for a day of work
on Saturday, I sat down in the recliner for the nap I am accustomed
to each morning. Only it was about 6:00 today. #2 son was asleep
on the upstairs couch, which he is only allowed to do Friday and
Saturday nights. I had watched some weather (still no snow for the
winter) and turned off the TV. When I awoke around 7:30, #2 was
in #1's room watching cartoons. I asked if he wanted some breakfast.
He walked into the kitchen, patted my elbow, and said, "I put your
rest ahead of my hunger." Awwww.....And he had his jammies on
inside out, with a major case of bed-head, to make him just TOO
CUTE.

And now, for the first-born son...He was up at the crack of dawn,
except dawn came later today because of January thunderstorms.
I swear, that kid was up at 6:00. I heard him clap-on his lamp. Yet
on school mornings, I have to shout at him 3 times to wake up by
6:30. He puttered around on his computer all morning, playing some
space game, Evolution or Starport Galactic Empire. That kid would
wear his jammies all day if I'd let him.

About 11:00 a.m., I came out of my office and saw #1 on his little
wheeled computer chair. He sat on his knees, grabbed furniture,
pulled himself along from the haunted chest of drawers to the pool
table to the recliner. I believe the eventual destinatioin was the air
hockey table, which holds a bounty of leftover Christmas stocking
candy. I came up behind him. He couldn't hear me because of the
noise of his wheels. I grabbed him by the waistband of his Hanes
boxer briefs, hanging out the top of his jammie pants. "EEEEEEE!
You SCARED me!" That boy screamed like a woman.

"Where are you headed? Do you mean to tell me that you're so
lazy you can't even get up and walk to get candy?"

"No. I was headed for the remote control. Really."

Let me just say that the remote control was twice as far away as
the TV/satellite box. He could have changed channels much closer
than the route he chose. That boy has always done things the hard
way. At least I know he gets it from HH.

Of course there is nothing to ridicule about myself, what with me
being the most perfect creature on the face of the earth. So that
will conclude this week's hillbilly hee-haw.