Friday, January 27, 2006

WWHMD?

What Would Hillbilly Mom Do? No, not like that other guy. I'm
not really a Mother Teresa like I stated a couple of posts ago.

What I meant by that question was, "What would Hillbilly Mom do
if she wasn't a teacher?" I have several dream jobs. You have to
imagine that I could wake up one day and start these jobs with
absolutely no education or training. That I would only need my
natural talent, and my desire, and nothing else. I would be given
the job because I am so good at it even before I start, or because
I am SO PRETTY. I don't care HOW I get the job, only that I
get it. And of course I would be paid with a salary given to those
at the upper level of each profession. Here are my alternative
dream jobs, in no particular order.

WHAT WOULD HILLBILLY MOM DO?

LAWYER-This is a job where you are paid to argue. It is a battle
of wits. Attack and couter-attack. I can back up my arguments
with facts and logic. I will only take cases that I know I can win.
Why fight a losing battle? If you robbed a convenience store,
and you're on the surveillance tape, do not ask me to represent
you. None of that "Twinkie Defense" stuff for me. I won't say
that you're nuts just to keep you out of jail. Stipulation: I will not
have to wear uncomfortable dress-up clothes. Jeans and New
Balance and a comfy shirt will be fine for trial attire.

RECAPPER FOR TWOP- I love to tell people about shows I
watch. I love to snark. What better combination than writing recaps
for Television Without Pity. And let me tell you, the emphasis will
be on the without pity. I will only do the shows I actually like to
watch. Getting paid for watching TV. Who knew? Stipulation:
I must be paid at least what I make in my teaching job. Nobody
can work for free. Except maybe Mother Teresa. And I ain't her.

ARTIST-By artist, I mean a person who draws pencil sketches
from photos, because that is all I can do. No color for me, thank
you. I'm a shades-of-gray kind of gal. I'm not too bad, but I can't
draw from memory, and I'm very limited with looking at something
and drawing it. I prefer a photo, because it doesn't change. I don't
move and get a slightly different angle or anything. Stipulation:
People must tell me if they don't know what it is. Don't say, "Oh,
that's very nice..." If you can't tell my butt from my hole-in-the-
ground, say so. I might smack you, but at least you won't be an
a$$-kisser.

SONGWRITER-Hey, it's MY dream job, and I say I'm qualified.
So what if I can't play an instrument or carry a tune in a bucket?
Well, I have a guitar, but I can't play it. I used to play clarinet
when I was Band President (can you say GEEK?). I can pick
out a tune on the piano by ear (that doesn't mean I play with my
ear, I use my hands like normal people). I can read music, and
play the melody and selected chords on the piano. I taught myself,
so you can imagine how good I am. Stipulation: I do not have to
sing unless it is to harmonize with someone else in my car. I won't
know what notes I am singing, but I can sing along right purty.

PHYSICAL THERAPIST-I know the bones and muscles and
how they work together, and I watch ER, so I know all the major
and a lot of obscure diseases. I can help people rehabilitate after
surgery. I'd like to play in that thingy that's a vat of paraffin, and
people dip their hands in the hot wax, and then peel it off later.
I can show those shoulder-surgery patients how to walk their
fingers up the wall to positions on an imaginary clock. You didn't
know ol' Hillbilly Mom had classes in Exercise Physiology and
Athletic Training, now did you? I am a woman of mystery.
Stipulation: I am allowed to cancel pity parties, and sarcastically
berate shirkers who do not want to get better. Save the drama
for your mama. Rehabilitate or vegetate! You ain't slackin' on
my watch!

WRITER-Books only, please, and fiction. None of that magazine
article stuff that you actually have to research. I will spin tales
in my head and write them down. I have 4 ready to go. All I need
to do is actually write them. However, that seems a little bit like
real work, so they are happy to remain in my head right now.
Stipulation: Nobody is allowed to sue me. Everybody knows
people write about stuff they know, unless they're those crazy
science fiction people that invent their own worlds, which I find
kind of creepy. So when your Aunt Zelda with the scarf around
her neck that is actually a pair of old pantyhose tries to pee in a
McDonald's cup while driving her El Camino down the interstate,
don't come cryin' to me that my character represents a real person.
Because they all do.

PRIVATE INVESTIGATOR-I am a big snoop. I like to figure
people out. I can go through garbage. I can find a way to find
people. People are careless. All it takes is one little slip-up, and
your location, or your skeletons, or your fantasies are revealed.
I'll be right there to discover them. Stipulation: I can not be
prosecuted for paying people in security-sensitive jobs to look
up wages, medical info, financial statements, etc. I am immune.

That is about it for now. Seven new careers is enough for one
day. What would you do? What is your dream career?
Anybody? Anybody?

7 Comments:

Blogger deadpanann said...

I too have always longed to be a trial lawyer in sneakers and a t-shirt! But I would be a prosecutor, and I'd find a way to legally castrate convicted rapists and pedophiles.

Your comments about how easily my skeletons or fantasies can be revealed kinda creeped me out a little, HBMom. I pictured you leaned over my trash can, rubbing your hands together and grinning like a possum eatin' shit.

9:29 AM  
Blogger Hillbilly Mom said...

Miss Ann,
I have a feeling you love to argue just as much as I do. Isn't it satisfying when we win?

And you thought it was just a big ol' raccoon turning over your trash...

For the record, my smile is not so much like the provervial possum as it is akin to the Grinch in the cartoon. I also think my heart might be two sizes too small.

10:43 AM  
Blogger LanternLight said...

Dream career: Photographer.

Though I do think I'd look good as a Private Eye, dressed in a Burberry Trenchcoat, al la Philip Marlowe or Sam Spade. I'm probably more a Sam Spade kind of guy :-(

Sadly, lack of talent, and good looks, kills those aspirations off.

3:54 PM  
Blogger chosha said...

My dream jobs (as in I dream about but don't do anything about it) are:
1. Teacher (which I did do for 3 years, but I'm not qualified to teach in Australia)
2. Editor
3. Time and motion expert.
4. Professional photographer.
5. Writer

I would also love to be a songwriter, but not full-time.

12:01 AM  
Blogger MrsCoach2U said...

On the PI thing, that is kind of part of my job, figuring out fraud. Allow me to tell you to begin with an electric bill, you would be amazed at what one can find out with someone else's utility bill!


Drunken Typing: figrczy
I read it as figurecrazy, don't know what it means, just thought I'd share it with you.

8:31 AM  
Blogger Redneck Diva said...

You're so pretty, I thought that supermodel would've been in that list somewhere!

I think I'm going to copy you and put a post like this on my site. Because we all know that I copy most of my posts from you. Cuz

YOU'RE SO PRETTY!!!

10:31 AM  
Blogger Hillbilly Mom said...

Lantern,
The photography dream is within your reach.

Chosha,
Glad to see I wasn't hogging all the dream jobs.

Mrs.,
I used to work for the unemployment office. A social security number is an amazing thing.

Diva,
Thank you. I was in need of validation for my SO PRETTINESS. Yes, well, of course you copy your posts from me. Except for the ones I copy from you.

8:35 PM  

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