Monday, January 30, 2006

No More Mondays

This is the first DoNotDay of the Hillmombian New Year.

Hillmombians hate Mondays. It means the end of "laying around
the shanty, Mama... getting a good buzz on." OK, so our music
choices are a bit questionable. But we still hate Mondays. And
since I am in charge of my own nation, I did what any great ruler
would do. I outlawed Mondays.

I appointed Redneck Diva to assemble a committee, and replace
Mondays on all Hillmombian calendars with DoNotDay. Job well
done, Diva. DoNotDay is a day when Hillmombians do not have
to do anything they do not want to do. They can also use it as a
day to tell others what they do not want them to do.

In honor of the very first DoNotDay, I will treat you to a list of
Hillbilly Mom Do-Nots. Enjoy.

DO NOT...come into my classroom before the first bell. I am
not a book depository that will allow you to gallivant the halls
with your friends until the tardy bell. I do not want to chat with
you. You see me every day for 50 minutes. We can chat then.
I do not want to be in a room alone with a student. It could be
physically dangerous, or it could be fuel for rumors. I do not
wish to put myself in either situation.

DO NOT...ignore me when there is somebody younger,
wealthier, more powerful, more socially acceptable, more
popular, or prettier around. (Yeah. Like that could happen!
Everybody knows that I am SO PRETTY!) To drop me like
a hot potato for conversation with somebody else makes you
a lying egotistical sexist hypocritical bigot. Yes. I have
watched 9 to 5 one time too many.

DO NOT...clean my room while I am freakin' IN IT! I go to
lunch for 20 minutes, while you dillydally around. The minute
I return, for 15 minutes of plan time before I travel to the other
building, you show up to sweep. Enough already! I do not want
to make small talk. I am DOING something! Can't you see me
typing at my computer? Sweep while I am at lunch. Better yet,
wait 15 minutes until I leave the building.

DO NOT...let my room go three days without cleaning or at
least dumping the wastebasket. If you are out sick, somebody
must take up the slack. It makes you look bad. Do the kids
have to walk to school if a bus driver is out sick? I think not!

(Now, I know you are thinking, 'Hillbilly Mom, make up your
mind. Do you want your room cleaned or not? Is the second
perhaps revenge for the first?' No. Different buildings, different
personnel. I just want a happy medium, people. No extremes.)

DO NOT...tell me who and what I can talk about with my
friends. This is the freakin' U.S. of A.!!! I demand the right
to exercise my freedom of speech. It's in the Bill of Rights!
That's a little thing found in the U.S. Constitution. Perhaps
you've heard of it. First Amendment rights apply to ALL
citizens, not all citizens except teachers in our school. I do
not violate confidentiality. I am not putting posters on telephone
poles. I am not blogging names on the internet. I am not calling
your house anonymously. I am not writing letters to the editor
of the local newspaper. I am not sidestepping the chain of
command. I am not calling in to discuss issues on the local
radio station. I am talking to my friends. That is my business.
You can not control the thoughts and emotions of others.
Stop trying. Because you have done the same thing yourself.

DO NOT...ask me if my shoes are new. I have had these shoes
since August. You also asked me the week I actually was
wearing some new shoes. Do you have some kind of fetish?
Knock it off! It is annoying.

DO NOT...give me attitude. Because I will give it back to the
10th power. You do not know who you are messing with. I can
outb***h you, and make it look like I am trying to HELP you.
You don't want none of Hillbilly Mom, I GUARANTEE!

Ahhh...this was much better than last Monday. DoNotDay.
I think I'll keep it.

5 Comments:

Blogger MrsCoach2U said...

As Ambassador of Cheese and government employee, do I get DoNotDay off with pay each week? This Nation Rocks!!!! Unless I don't get it off with pay, then I wouldn't eat any cheese given out that day if I were you!

8:26 AM  
Blogger Rebecca said...

Hi Hiilbilly Mom,
The fine Beclakian Spies I have working for me in Hillmomba are onto this plan.
So what we have done is make everyday in Hillmomba Monday. The change happened a few months ago, but because Hillbillians can't ready, it went by un-noticed.
Once again we were foiled by the simplistic people who do nothing. Grrrr!
HooRoo
Rebecca

2:00 PM  
Blogger jules said...

I LIKE DoNotDay. Can I be a resident of Hillmobia only on Mondays?

5:43 PM  
Blogger Hillbilly Mom said...

Mrs.,
As an appointed Hillmombian official, you most certainly have DoNotDays off. That is the day we let the inmates run the asylum. They are happy, we are happy. And make a little Note To Self, Mrs.: "It's not nice to threaten the Emperor of Hillmomba with bad cheese."

Bec,
I am aware of your spies. Those are the 10,000 objects orbiting the earth. (See next post) You did not change our official calendar, only the one we show the public.

Jules,
You may apply for limited Hillmombian citizenship. You may NOT be a citizen of Beclakia the other 6 days of the week, or ANY days of the week. The application consists of dancing naked under the light of a full moon while shooting a shotgun into the air and singing "Mule Skinner Blues a la Dolly Parton. We will take your word for it. We do not actually want to watch such a spectacle. In fact, I think you may have already performed this ritual. Your citizenship papers are in the mail.

7:59 PM  
Blogger Redneck Diva said...

I'm glad my work pleased you, oh great and mighty ruler of Hillmomba.

Oh and by the way, if Mrs. threatens you with cheese, I'd listen. She is not one to be reckoned with.

8:47 PM  

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