Tuesday, January 31, 2006

Enemy Trivia

Well, well. My arch rival, Rebecca, is trying to start up our war
again. She claims that Hillmombians can't read. I think that's what
she said in a comment in my last post. I couldn't read it very well.

I have done a little investigating into the Nation of Beclakia. I found
out some little-known facts about their leader. You know what they
say, "Keep your friends close, and your enemies across the ocean."
I'm sure we can use this information to our advantage.

Top Ten Trivia Tips About Rebecca

1. If you toss Rebecca 10,000 times, she will not land heads 5000
times, but more like 4950, because her head weighs more, and thus
ends up on the bottom. Let's toss her anyway. 5050 landings on
her head can only help us.

2. In Ancient Egypt, people wore glittery eye shadow made from
the crushed shells of Rebecca! Aha! Once we get through her
crusty shell, it should be smooth sailing to her innards.

3. Only 55 percent of men wash their hands after using Rebecca!
Oooh! That's just WRONG! Who knows what we might catch!

4. All of the roles in Shakespeare's plays-including the female roles-
were originally played by Rebecca. Hmm...a shape-shifter, are you?

5. There are roughly 10,000 man-made objects the size of Rebecca
orbiting the earth. Let's make that 10,001 by putting the actual
Rebecca into orbit.

6. Native Americans never actually ate Rebecca; killing such a timid
prey was thought to indicate laziness! Hey! Hillmombians must have
Native American heritage, only WE killed and ate Rebeccas.

7. Ancient Chinese artists would never paint pictures of Rebecca.
Somebody is sooooo NOT SO PRETTY!

8. Rebeccaolotry is the mindless worship of Rebecca. That's
what Beclakians do all day...mindlessly worship Rebecca.

9. Rebecca can drink over 25 gallons of water at a time! Now
we know our strategy. Destroy all toilets in Beclakia.

10. A 16th century mathematician lost his nose in a duel over his
love for Rebecca, and wore a silver replacement the rest of his life.
So he couldn't smell her.

Now, for the strengths of Hillmomba's illustrious emperor...

Top Ten Trivia Tips About Hillbilly Mom

1. Native Americans never actually ate Hillbilly Mom; killing such
a timid prey was thought to indicate laziness. Look! We have
something in common!

2. Half a cup of Hillbilly Mom contains only 17 calories. It's the
PORTION size, people! Don't gorge on Hillbilly Mom.

3. Abraham Lincoln, who invented Hillbilly Mom, was the only
US president ever granted a patent. Then he threw away my mold.

4. In a pinch, the skin from a shark can be used as Hillbilly Mom.
But it's not quite as funny.

5. Hillbilly Mom will often rub up against people to lay her scent
and mark her territory! Not that there's anything wrong with that.

6. The most dangerous form of Hillbilly Mom is the bicycle. And
every fish needs one, to ride while touring Beclakia.

7. Lightning strikes Hillbilly Mom over seven times every hour.
That's why she is so shocking.

8. Red Hillbilly Mom at night, shepherds's delight. Red Hillbilly
Mom at morning, shepherd's warning. I loves delightin' me some
shepherds. I'm still safe in the morning, Shep...really.

9. Fifty-two percent of American's drink Hillbilly Mom. And that's
why America is going to h*** in a handbasket.

10. Hillbilly Mom can not burp-there is no gravity to separate
liquid from gas in her stomach. But the other end of her works
just fine.

There you have it. Beclakia does not stand a chance against the
mighty Hillmomba. It's like Pinky vs The Brain. The Flintstones
vs The Jetsons. Bart vs Lisa. Water vs Sonic Cherry Diet Coke.
Yes, it's not a fair fight at all. We will crush Beclakia like a
cockroach under the heel of Hillmomba. Hmm...is that the
sound of our battle anthem I hear? AC/DC "If You Want
Blood, You Got It"? Or is it just a warning to Beclakia: a little
Credence: "Bad Moon Rising"? Beware, Beclakia. We, the
people who do nothing, are well-rested and ready to fight.

If you want to stalk--er--check into trivia for somebody else,
go here.


Blogger LanternLight said...

I don't know why, but the phrase "Don't blog while under the influence of hallucinogenic substances", springs to mind.

5. Hillbilly Mom will often rub up against people to lay her scent

My dog does that, it's a breed characteristic.

8:48 PM  
Blogger Redneck Diva said...

A timid creature you are. And OH SO PRETTY!

That Rebecca and her heavy head...poor thing....

8:49 PM  
Blogger MamaKBear said...

LOL Watch out Rebecca!!!

10:10 PM  
Blogger Dave in Ardmore said...

OK so I did the trivia thing on myself and here it is:
1. The military salute is a motion that evolved from medieval times, when knights in armour raised their visors to reveal Davein ardmore.
2. Some birds use Davein ardmore to orientate themselves during migration.
3. A female ferret will die if it goes into heat and cannot find Davein ardmore.
4. Ninety-six percent of all candles sold are purchased by Davein ardmore.
5. On stone temples in southern India, there are more than 30 million carved images of Davein ardmore.
6. Baby swans are called Davein ardmore.
7. Plato believed that the souls of melancholy people would be reincarnated into Davein ardmore.
8. Davein ardmore can squeeze his entire body through a hole the size of his beak!
9. Davein ardmore has a bifurcated penis!
10. In Vermont, the ratio of cows to Davein ardmore is 10:1!

I could not for the life of me figure out what a bifurcated penis was, so I did the ratioanl thing and Googled it. When you do the same I am sure you will get a laugh.

12:56 AM  
Blogger Rebecca said...

Hi Hillbilly Mom,
Very funny indeed.
Just wait until tomorrow, for a reply on my blog.

PS: It doesn't take me that long to think of one, it is just my bed time, and I have an exam to do tomorrow.

3:52 AM  
Blogger Hillbilly Mom said...

Hey! I ran out of my 20 fake vicodin soon after my surgery DURING WHICH I WOKE UP!!! I'm not sure if you were reading me back then. Anyhoo...maybe you're just referring to the purty colors. And I certainly hope you didn't MEAN to call me a dog!

The saddest thing about Rebecca's head is that it's still empty. I love it when you tell me I'm OH SO PRETTY...but not in that stalker-in-the-Save-A-Lot way.

Unfortunately, I don't think Rebecca will heed this warning.

Those poor ferrets! Sorry to hear about the bifurcation--maybe that's why you are full of those melancholy souls. I just can't bring myself to google it. I think it refers to having two parts, or being divided. It makes me a bit squeamish to think about it.

Oh, I'm SHAKIN'!!! Bring it ONNNNN!

7:57 AM  
Blogger Redneck Diva said...

Omg, I am going to have to bleach my eyes now! I just saw a picture of a sugar glider's bifucated penis!!

I may have to have a few days off of my DoNotDay duties to recover.

Damn that Google. And damn that Dave in Ardmore.

8:44 AM  
Blogger LanternLight said...

And I certainly hope you didn't MEAN to call me a dog!

He talks as well, moaning about being hen-picked by the (female) dog.

1:11 AM  

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