Thursday, February 16, 2006

Hillbilly Mom Wants Revenge

Is it DoNotDay yet? Hillbilly Mom has issues. Hillbilly Mom wants
revenge. What is stuck in my craw today, you ask? OK, so maybe
some of you don't know what a craw is, but I'm sure you still want
to know my issues. Let me tell you.

I want revenge on the Cadet Teacher who parks between the
buildings, in the space reserved for traveling teachers. You have
been told not to park there, that Cadet Teachers must park down
behind the new building in the gravel lot. Because YOU parked
in that other spot, the traveling teacher who always parks there
had to park out on the street. That, in turn, took up a space that
I could have used. So you got to park right by the door, while I
had to park out back on the gravel. Off with your head! OK, so
perhaps that's going a bit too far. But nothing will happen to you.
And you know it. You'll just get another reminder to park out
back. Maybe next time I'll block you in. Then you'll have to go
admit that you parked there, and I will have to leave class to move
my large SUV, and that means somebody will have to watch my
class for me to go outside. Yes. I think I've found the solution.

I want revenge on the kids who pretend to do their work. That big
ol' F at the end of the quarter does not seem to have any effect on
their logic. "If I SAY I did the work, then that must mean that I
DID do the work. So why is my grade so low?" You, who asked
"Will you help me with my math? I only have 5 problems."
It's a much bigger problem. You do not turn in work. That means
that you do not DO the work. I have only had about one kid in 6
years who actually did the work, and then waited for the teacher
to ask him about it before turning it in. Like he needed to get that
attention, or he wouldn't turn it in.

You, on the other hand, put off work and think I will do it for you.
You are the one who asked for help with science last year. I read
the question, and explained the concept. Imagine that. But you
started to write even though I said, "Wait a minute. Here's what
this question is talking about." Yep. You wrote down the first few
words of my explanation and turned them in. And missed every
question. Then, you had the nerve to tell the teacher that I told
you the wrong answer. Newsflash...that teacher knows that I
taught science more years than she has been teaching. She knew
what you were trying to pull, and told me. Remember? Is it
coming back to you? How I confronted you, and reminded you
how you were supposed to use my explanation to arrive at an
answer? But you copped a pissy attitude, and insisted that I told
you to write down that answer? Then I told you that since I didn't
know enough about 9th grade science, I wouldn't want you to
miss anything else because of my wrong answers, so I would not
help you with science for the rest of the year? Huh? Is it coming
back to you?

So now, the "only 5 problems" turn out to be 5 worksheets of
MAP practice problems, each of which involves numerous steps
to solve. You had not made ONE mark on that paper. And
neither had your cohort who came to my desk looking for free
answers. Let's see now. It was a little triangle inside of a big
triangle, with some missing measurements. You said the teacher
told you something about a proportion, and how to get the answer,
but you did not write it down. You did not know the formula for
area of a triangle. OK, so it's 1/2 base x height. But because you
mentioned a proportion, I don't know what we're getting at. Was
it a ratio used to find the missing side, or did you find the area of
the small triangle first and then use a ration? It was a right triangle.
Did she perhaps use A squared + B squared = C squared to find
the missing dimension? You were clueless. I couldn't help with it.

So I helped you with the deducting and depositing to balance
a checkbook problem, and I helped with the "football is on
the 20 yard line and on the first play the team gains 8 yards..."
and so on for 8 plays. But for the amount of paint needed to
paint the cylindrical water tower, and the volume of oil in a
cylindrical tank, and that other cylinder-related problem, I did
not help. Because you could not even tell me the formula for
area and volume of a cylinder. And that is something that
Hillbilly Mom does not store in her brain. I know it has
something to do with height times the area or circumference
of a circle, so pi is in it somehow, but since I only have an
IQ of almost 100, I do not know this offhand. Because you did
not have any notes, and were not even able to look it up in
the book, I did not help. It is not my homework. I think it is
enough that I showed you how to do 40 percent.

I am tired of pulling teeth to get a response. I am here to help
you understand it, not to do it for you. That will require SOME
input from you. Not just "I don't know." What do you do in
that class for 50 minutes every day? Sure, I could have fiddled
around and figured out the formula. I looked through the book,
but since it wasn't in the index, or in the table of contents, I was
NOT going through it page by page. Mabel, I'm sure your cohort
gave the class the basic tools they needed to complete these
problems. I can only imagine that they were perhaps sleeping,
or staring into space, slack-jawed, dreaming of sticking a Big Red
wrapper on their foreheads to make a big red rectangle. Maybe
I should get those formulas, and trim some triangles and cylinders
out of Big Red wrappers, then calculate the area of red skin on
their noggins. I am not a miracle worker, but I am resourceful.

I want revenge. I want to come to your house while you are
watching Animal Planet and ask you to help me write my
Program Review. Oh...I had some data for the last year, but
I don't know what I did with it. Yes, I will be like Mr. Hand
from Fast Times at Ridgemont High. You waste my time, I'll
waste your time. You use me to do your work, I'll use you to
do my work. That's only fair. And if it's not right, I'll say that
you did it wrong.

I feel much better now that I have a plan. Perhaps I should not
use the term "revenge." I have formulated solutions to my problems.
That's the ticket. Ahh...sweet, sweet solutions.


Blogger The Unrepentant Gallivanter said...

And my mom wonders why I don't want to be a teacher. Even today, she said "you should go back and get your certificate" (because God knows my Master's in International Relations just leads to more gallavanting, much to my parents despair. I should be a teacher like a "normal" woman - and kids. Why did it take so long for me to finally get with the program and have a kid?) Maybe they thought they could pull the ol "be a teacher" line out again since I am finally pregnant. But there is a line, people. I admire you who are teacher's - cuz I know I could never do it!!! More power to you!

8:24 PM  
Blogger Chickadee said...

Ok, so I'm no teacher, but I sort of teach, I'm an educator if you will. I volunteer at an ecology center that has a few different curriculums for the teachers to pick from when the kids come for a visit. Some of the teachers will even give us worksheets for the kids to fill out during their visit.

Guess what. There are quite a few kids who DO NOT fill out the worksheets. I'm constantly hovering over these kids, nagging them to fill out the worksheets. Sometimes I think they don't fill the sheets out because their reading skills are poor. Sometimes I think they don't fill out the sheets because they're bored and don't care.

Sometimes I'm surprised that these kids cannot spell words and their sentence structures are poor. Of course some of these factors are related to age, but sometimes not.

I dunno. Just something that crossed my mind as I was reading your post.

10:24 PM  
Blogger Rebecca said...

Hi Hillbilly Mom,
Teach that cadet teacher the pecking order, give them your worst!
Actually feeding them your Chex Mix may be taking things too far. Just yell at them.

11:50 PM  
Blogger Chickadee said...

Ok, I was thinking about my post and I want to say that I'm in no way criticizing teachers. Kids need to do their homework to strengthen their reading and reasoning skills and this is where I know kids don't associate the importance of doing their homework with that skill sharpening. I think this is where the involvement of parents come in.

That's all I'm going to say before I shove my foot in my mouth again.

8:50 AM  
Blogger JustLinda said...

Man, teachers are SOOO mean. I sure am glad I'm out of school.

{ducking and running for my life...}

1:48 PM  
Blogger Hillbilly Mom said...

Here's a note for your mother: I know lots of women who are teachers, and "normal" is not a word I would use to describe them. There. Maybe that will get you off the hook for a while.

I did not think you were criticizing teachers. Kids these days don't read, so they don't know how to spell or punctuate. They don't do the worksheets because they know you can't do anything to them. They are basically lazy, though some DO have trouble reading because their parents don't read, and never read TO them, and they don't think it's important.

I on the other hand, am a perfect parent. I let my child use his saved-up money to buy his first GameBoy Advance the summer he was 5. He could not wait to learn to read. He got tired of asking everybody else what the screen said to do.

How dare you imply that my Chex Mix is of poor quality! Off with your head! That little wench parked there again today, and the counselor ratted her out to the principal. We'll see what happens.

Hmm...methinks you were just like the middle school girl who asks me things like, "Do you know how to color your roots?" AND "So, do you like candy?" AND "Are those new shoes?" AND "I like that shirt. I've never seen it before."

OK, so we know I dye my hair and I'm not so svelte and I wear the same pair of shoes every day and I don't update my wardrobe much. Get off my back, Girly! You are the one who leaves the tag on your Wal-mart coat so you can trade it for a new one when you get tired of it.

Yeah. Were you like that, Linda? I'll show you MEAN. "Hey, people, don't tell anyone, but I heard that Linda puts fungus medicine on her foot every night." Bwahaha!

6:10 PM  
Blogger JustLinda said...

You're outin' me to your whole blog for my TOE FUNGUS??? Uh-huh... now I see how these blog war things get started.


You're just lucky that I saw Yoko Ono once in a NY restaurant and I'm committed to peace because of the depth of that experience.

7:17 PM  
Blogger Hillbilly Mom said...

I must respond. But I will post it tomorrow, because I can never make a long story short, and it is too long for the comments, and it will give me something to post about for the weekend, when I do not have any DoNot tales to tell out of school, and I can make my sentences even longer than this.

11:29 PM  
Blogger Stacie said...

My daughter is suffering through her first year of middle school. She's being lazy, not turning in her work, not even doing it in the first place, actually. She's even started lying to me and her Dad. We've about had it with her. She got a good old fashioned switching for the lying part. I finally got all her teachers' email addresses and now I get an email every single time she doesn't turn a paper in. I told her teachers to quit sending notes home with her because we NEVER get them. You know all about that. I'm just hoping that somewhere out there, there are no blogs written by a teacher griping about my kid. lol

12:58 PM  
Blogger Hillbilly Mom said...

We wouldn't gripe about her, because you see what she is doing. You are not waiting for us to raise her for you. You do not take her word over ours. So she knows that she can't get away with this stuff, and she will have her normal teenage rebellion, which is a normal, necessary step in separating from her parents, and grow up and lead a productive adult life, taking responsibility for her own actions. But hopefully, she has a good English teacher so she won't write run-on sentences like I do.

7:54 PM  

Post a Comment

<< Home