Tuesday, March 28, 2006

Hillbilly Mom Is TIRED !

This seems to be a week of lists. Deadpanann had her Highly Over-
rated List, Redneck Diva had her Good/Bad List, MamaKBear had
her Weird Things List. If you had a list I didn't mention, that means
I just ain't seen it YET. Because I am a boring, depressed, draggy-
down person this time of the school year, I have a list of things that
irritate me. Oh. Like you didn't see that one comin'!


...being a walking dictionary. OK, to be honest, a sitting dictionary.
Students: teachers assign vocabulary words for a reason. To teach
you dictionary skills. OK, they also want you to learn spelling and
meanings. They expect you to look the words up in a dictionary or
glossary or the reading from the chapter. They do not want to know
how smart Mrs. Hillbilly Mom is. She had already told them. So do
NOT ask Mrs. Hillbilly Mom what iridescent means, or a promontory,
or an inlet, or permeable, or looming. Throw away the crutch that is
Mrs. Hillbilly Mom. Fly the nest, little DoNots.

...people commenting on my appearance.
Didn't your mamas raise y'all right? I KNOW my freaking left eye is
red at the corner by my nose. I saw it in the mirror right after I got
out of the shower at 4:40 a.m. Methinks it is from the soap that I
got in my eye, but not the shampoo, because I used the Suave
Dragon Fruit kids' shampoo that is no more tears. Or it could be
from getting up at 4:20 a.m. after an OH SO NOT REFRESHING
4 1/2 hours of sleep. So there is really no need to tell me, "Oh, your
eye is SO RED! Do you have pinkeye?" Cause you told me that
exact same thing yesterday. Pardon me for throwing up my arms
and shouting, "Will you get off it already with my EYE?" And also,
it is not necessary to say, "Hey! Your eye is really red. How is
your blood pressure?" Because that is really none of your freakin'
business, and now you've just made it shoot up by assuming that
it is. Well, maybe in a way it is, since you are the school nurse,
but I am quite med-compliant, and that is really between my
doctor and myself, seeing as how he is the one who charges me
an arm and a leg and makes me wait two freakin' hours in the
waiting room every 4 months, giving me the sneaking suspicion
that he does it to raise my blood pressure so he can continue to
collect arms and legs. A regular Dr. Frankenstein, he is. Do NOT
call him, lest he begin branching out into the eye market.

...the absentee landowner selling rocks off his land.
You have ruined our gravel road. You do not pay $100-$200
each year for gravel like the rest of us, because WE live here,
and YOU are absent. But you can bring in a giant flatbed truck
to block the road each morning as people are trying to get to
work and to the school bus. By digging out these big rocks for
the past 2 months, you have caused a watershed problem. Each
rain, a giant tributary washes across your land into the road. The
road that used to be gravel, but is now mud, because the gravel
has washed away. Your Bobcat lost a tread Sunday, and blocked
the road until you got it fixed. Stop messing with Mother Nature,
you landraper! Stop getting your rocks off for the almighty dollar.

...being the only person who shows up on time every day for duty.
OK, so there are a few others who obey the rules as well, but we
are the exception, not the rule. Life is not fair. You scofflaws (or
scoffduties) are accelerating the Era of the Handbasket.

...never being able to find a pencil or tape around the mansion.
Darn you, #1 son! For the love of Gummi Mary, stop hoarding
office supplies! What do you do with all those pencils? Are you
building an Eiffel Tower. (Oops! That would be Mabel, at school.
And I don't think hers is made of pencils.) And what's with the
tape? Is something broken that you are trying to hide from me?
Judging by the number of tape rolls missing, I should ask if you've
broken a wing off the mansion. Or have you been building those
superplanes again? Honey, paper planes should weigh less than
real metal planes. Back off on the tape.

...babyish hijinks from my middle schoolers.
I should not have to rush in from my DUTY in the hall between
classes because I hear, "Butt-toucher." Y'all had better NOT
be touching butts. That is a high crime at the middle school. I
should think it is also at the high school, but I have heard Mr. S
speak of students playing "buttsey-wuttsey" as a manner of
male bonding. So I think it means something else over there.
Anyhoo, if you can't behave for 4 minutes unattended, I shall
be required to line you up against the wall in the hall while I do
my duty. Not laughing now, are you, ya little butt-touchers!
When it has been announced that nobody is to leave the class
during MAP testing, that does not mean "nobody but me". Do
NOT ask to go to the bathroom. Amazing how bladders shrink
when they are bored. You haven't asked all year. Yet in two
days, you have asked twice. Give it up. Here's a novel idea:
go before you come to class! I know, I'M the GENIUS, but
I'm trying to share my knowledge with you.

Whew! I'm not feeling so tired now.


Blogger Redneck Diva said...

Yarr, ya Land Stealer!! (Picture me in my bandana, shaking my angry fist at yon land stealer)

Cute mental image, isn't it?

My kids hoarde pencils, not tape. Probably because I told them it is poison tape and if they use it they'll die. Hey, whatever works. I don't think they'd buy poison pencils AND tape, though.

8:58 PM  
Blogger Hillbilly Mom said...

Ooh! That mental image scares ME! Poison tape...there's one I haven't tried. The "You're going flying without a plane!" has worked pretty well for me.

6:22 PM  

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