Saturday, March 18, 2006

Saturday Search Party

Saturday. Not much going on around the ol' manse. So I'm throwing
a Saturday Search Party. Don't get excited. It's not a real party. It's
a virtual party, with this week's keyword searches as the guests of
honor. Of course, I'm obliged to say something about each guest
as he arrives. My Hillbilly Mama always said, "If you can't say
anything good about somebody, don't say anything at all." I never
was one for following my mama's instructions...

Look, it's our first guest, deliverance possum boy. I think I saw you
in a movie one time. You can play us some music on that banjo.
And might I add, you shore got a purty mouth. I see you've brought
a date: bearded woman. Now pardon my French, but that don't look
like no woman I've ever seen. Go on in and have a seat on the
hillbilly theme furniture. Careful, don't step on the boys licking their
mom's feet! If you do, you might see what happens when hillbillies
gone mad.

Toothless skanky hillibillies are at the door. Welcome to my big fat
mansion, fellas. I hope you're not expecting this to be as swank an
affair as your dinner at the lymph mansion in St. Louis. I've heard
their body fluid soup is delicious, almost as good as dinner at the
LEMP mansion in St. Louis. Who knew! On our menu tonight, we
have chum you can carve it, and hillbilly deviled eggs. I'm afraid we
might all be coughing up hard chunks when supper is over.

Later, we are expecting some actual horny moms. They should be
more lively than those fake horny moms we invited last week. They
happen to be running a bit late, due to the j c penney truckload
sale. They may miss supper, but they should get here in time for
the hillbilly meth, and the histinex get you high.

By the way, those of you who came here wearing hillbilly baby
clothes and adult poopie pants, looking forward to a night filled
with hillbilly boobs and trading spouses, licking--we don't allow
that here. What do you think this is, the Budweiser mansion?
And while I'm lecturin' y'all on your manners...deliverance possum
boy, control your beared woman! I swear, if she shouts one more
time: mom has boobs, or kitty head cut off sunroof, or show licking
missouri mom, or asks to watch the woke up during surgery video,
I'll hit her so hard her never talk pretty any day. Or in the very least,
I'll give her big red wrapper forehead. Don't taunt Hillbilly Mom,

Whew! Things were getting tense there for a moment. Let's all
just chill out and drink in the beauty of the hillbilly decor. Hanging
on the wall over the couch is a picture of a hillbilly custodian. We
can't forget our roots. Over there on a pedestal, with a fern growing
out of her head, is the gummi venus de milo. She's on loan from the
Simpson collection. And that there work of art is a replica of our
home. We call it the playdough mansion. This crib just oozes class,
I tell you!

Now, everybody kick back. While we are waiting for those actual
horny moms to show up, I've got a special treat to show you. Yep.
It's the new toothless skanky hillbillies release: movie two hillbillies
rob the store they work at and get caught. It's a little slice of life.
I think it's better than our preview last week: clothes money mansion
honey look grades friends maids party rock concert. That one was
a bit disjointed.

I've gotta de-blog now. I've got guests to entertain. Once those
moms get here, I think we'll all be going to h*ll in a handbasket!


Blogger LanternLight said...

chum you can carve it,

I remember that, I guess they still sell it.

So chumpy, you can carve it!

3:02 AM  
Blogger Rebecca said...

Hi Hillbilly Mom,
You know, for some reason, inviting these kind of people around for a hillbilly party, doesn't seem weird. Which is kind of weird in itself.

6:40 PM  
Blogger Hillbilly Mom said...

After doing some research, it appears that this is a reference to dogfood. I'm so proud my blog is associated with dog food. I thought of the "chum" that's cut up fish parts and guts used to attract sharks.

I have weathered far weirder parties than this one. For example, The Lovely Green Jeannie Party. I can't tell you about it, or I'd have to kill you. And I'm pretty sure there are laws against that sort of thing, even in Australia.

7:21 PM  
Blogger Redneck Diva said...

I'm laughing so hard that I think I coughed up some hard chunks.

10:02 AM  
Blogger Hillbilly Mom said...

Wow! And you didn't even eat my party food!

I could have had a heyday with some of your searches. Allow me...

back door diva hardcore
when the sap rises behavior changes
what kind of hormones do you give puppies to have more puppies
i think i have gout
sexy prostitutes stripping sexy clothes
redneck games for kids
sex sheep redneck
speed freak roller skates
nose polyps
redneck bra for ladies

You are so versatile!

5:29 PM  

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