Wednesday, March 15, 2006

Accelerator Thief Alaska Spit Day

Good gracious! I am concerned about the future. Specifically,
MY future. Because it IS all about ME. Very specifically, my future
when I'm in a nursing home, and my students of today are running
tomorrow's world. The students who said it feels so good to hit
somebody.

I know I have these students in my class because they are not
famous for academic excellence. I know that I should not poke
fun at them for something that they are not capable of learning.
But by golly, people, they should know this stuff!!!

Case One: The Accelerator
There's this Do-Not who does not know what an accelerator is.
Her boyfriend announced it to the class, along with the fact that
she thought the R on the PRNDL gear shift thingy meant radiator
instead of reverse. She is 15, with a boyfriend who drives. She
should know that.

I thought the radiator was the engine.
She'll need one of those gas pedals that looks like a bare foot,
so she will know you're supposed to put your foot on it.
That's the first thing they ask you when you take your driver's
test: where the accelerator is.
Mrs. Hillbilly Mom, is that right? Because if it is, that is just
stupid! My brother handles all that.
I don't know if that's true. It's been a long time since I took it.
I just took mine three times. They check the car and tell you to
turn on the blinkers and point to the windshield wipers and then
they say, 'Put your foot on the accelerator'.
Hey, that could be embarrassing. What if she gets out of the car
and opens the hood and puts her foot on the engine?

Yes. Well. My Do-Nots are good for a laugh most days.

Case 2: Thief
Hey, Mrs. Hillbilly Mom! Can you believe someone could be so
dumb to steal a pair of shoes from ISS?
Allegedly.
No. Ask Klepto. She did it. And they were BOYS' shoes.
A better question would be, 'How was there a pair of shoes in
ISS with no feet in them?'
She probably took them off someone's feet while he was sleeping.
There's no sleeping in ISS.
That's what you think.
Is the real question about how it's wrong to steal, or how it's
wrong to steal from ISS?
From ISS!

She should know it's not right to steal. From anywhere.
Note to Self: 'Do Not fall asleep in class with DoNots.'

Case 3: Alaska
I thought you said Gettysburg was in Pennsylvania!
I did.
It is not. It's in Pittsburgh.
No. It can't be. Pennsylvania is a state. Pittsburgh is a city.
Oh.
What's the biggest state?
Alaska.
No. Texas is bigger.
No. Alaska.
Look at that. Alaska would fit into Texas.
No, that is just to fit Alaska on that map. It isn't the actual size.
Look at that world map over there instead of the U.S. map.
(Looks around the South Pacific area, near Hawaii.)
It's so small you can't even see it on this map.
No. Look in the northwest U.S. See, it's green like the rest of
the U.S.
THAT'S Alaska?
See, it would take up most of the west coast. It's bigger
than Texas.
Oh. Yeah.

He is 14. He should know that Alaska is not an island in the
Pacific Ocean near the equator. Great Googley Moogley!
I've had those maps up for 4 years.

Case 4: Spit
This is my first day back after getting my tonsils out last week.
Have you been eating jello and pudding?
No. The pudding was nasty. My throat hurts.
How about a shake? Can't you eat it with a spoon?
No. You're not supposed to have real ice cream. It makes
your throat have mucus. But I ate Burger King on the way
home from the hospital. Not the fries. Just the burger.
That can't be good for you.
I haven't had anything else since that day. I'm down to 78 pounds
from 89.
You've got to eat. Or drink.
It hurts to swallow. Even my salarva is really thick.

She is 12. She should know the difference between saliva and
larva.
And salarva.

I'm not expecting them to split the atom. I'm not expecting
them to perform brain surgery. I'm not expecting them to earn
the Nobel Peace Prize for rocket science. But I do think that
by this age, they should know what a car accelerator does, and
that it's not right to steal, and where Alaska is located, and the
correct name for spit. I do my best to teach them as each new
opportunity presents itself.

My life is full of opportunities.

8 Comments:

Blogger LanternLight said...

But by golly, people, they should know this stuff!!!

Unless it's a rural community, why would they? Everythings done for them ...

Common-sense is being bred out, I'm sure of it.

4:52 AM  
Blogger Lessa said...

maaaaaaaaaaaaaaan. Alaska would be so much WARMER if it were down by the equator. *L*But then what would I bitch about? II spent all my time complaining bout the cold! *g*

10:09 AM  
Blogger Hillbilly Mom said...

Lantern,
It is a rural area. About 1800 people in my teaching town.

Lessa,
There is never a shortage of things to b*tch about here at the Mansion. I'm sure you would think of something, as you are OH SO CREATIVE!

9:43 PM  
Blogger jules said...

I teach preschoolers who are smarter than your DoNots!

1:30 AM  
Blogger Northend Nique said...

Honestly I'm not sure how you do what you do. I want to pull my hair out just READING this post. Although it is well known (by those who are familiar with me) that I'm not much for people (their idiocy makes me fume) but to me teens are the worst. The stuff they attempt and get away with is obscene. I can't even imagine the trouble I would get into had a pulled any of the crap they do these days. You are a hero for doing what you do! It takes a special person with a phenomanal gift to teach. You are truly blessed! :)
Crap, I sound old.

10:50 AM  
Blogger Hillbilly Mom said...

Jules,
Well, now...there's no need to put on airs. I have not noticed any of my Do-Nots dragging around a doily.


Nique,
Thanks for the compliment! I am so used to people alluding to the notion that I do nothing all day, and have summers off, that it was like a breath of fresh air.

It almost made up for last night's parent conferences, where "Mum's" mother told a teacher that he says he's allowed to sleep in my class. Oh, and the other mother I talked to who said her son said that I give them too much work for him to keep up with his classes, and that he can't ask me for help on Language or Algebra, because I've told the whole class that I don't know how to do that stuff.

SOMEBODY'S gonna have a little 'splainin' to do on Monday. I pity the fool who fibs about Hillbilly Mom! Thank the Gummi Mary that my fellow teacher stood up for me and put Mum's mum in her place! And the other mother knew her kid was lying, which is why she told me about it.

3:16 PM  
Blogger Northend Nique said...

Woman, you deserve every OUNCE of every day that you are not at school! You do something that most of us could not even attempt to do. I, personally, thank you for teaching children!

4:55 PM  
Blogger Hillbilly Mom said...

Nique,
You're welcome.

I rant about my Do-Nots, but I really have grown attached to some of them. Mum, however, is not one of them.

11:46 PM  

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