Friday, March 10, 2006

Empress of Impurity

Several days ago, I discussed my adventure with the Sexual Purity
Test that I got from Mr. Huggies. Kind of sounds like I contracted
a disease, huh? Anyhoo, I gave the link to somebody at work, and
this little test has been making the rounds. And I seem to be the
most experienced one there. HooRah! Then again, as I tell my kids,
"That is not really something to be proud of."

Now that I hold the title of Empress of Impurity, I am looking for
someone to waltz in and steal my crown. Oh, it's not an actual
crown, like the exquisite Royal Crown of Hillmomba. It's more of
a virtual crown, a crown in name only, because I'm pretty sure the
school district would frown on me wearing a crown. (Hey! I'm a
poet and don't know it!) Yes, headwear is not permitted. Sorry,
Redneck Diva, you'll have to leave the pirate do-rag at home if
you're gonna step into my lair to give me some schoolin' on how
to lose more purity. She had a score lower than mine, you see,
but she isn't a teacher in Hillbillyville, so I am the Empress.

Since sharing our results, we are looking at each other like:
hmmm...how did she/he get that score. Somebody got a 94%.
Which is about as close to 99 and 99/100 percent pure as you
can get what with having a child and all. So now we are left to
wonder, did so-and-so get that score by being a Holy Roller,
(not that there's anything wrong with that) or just by default by
never getting off the farm, or by lying, or HOW? And the ones
who scored higher, just WHAT questions did they answer yes?
We have a wide range of scores.

Which brings me to my next order of business as Empress of
Impurity, which is to decree that the 94-percenter be my butler.
Oops! That was an episode of Seinfeld. What I meant to say
was that I decree all faculty members who've taken this test
must wear a badge with their scores plainly displayed. That
way, we will know how to talk to each other. No need of going
into the intricacies of the tongue piercing that the 10th graders
told you about if you are talking to the 94-percenter, because
that info will not be comprehended. Likewise, why waste time
discussing the question about "Has anybody ever told you that
you were good at ****ing?" with the 60-something percenters.
Because it is obvious that if they got that score, they must be
pretty doggone good at something.

For the impurity-challenged, I will be holding seminars on the
third floor from 12:15 to 2:56 each day. My disciples may
gather round to learn at the knee of Hillbilly Mom, Empress
of Impurity. I do have an apprentice who scored 67, who may
assist me in enlightening the flock when I am not available.

I am planning to write my fictitiously embellished autobiography
at the age of 98, when nobody is left alive to sue me. A colleague
suggested that I do it NOW, to reap the financial benefits. I fear
that the lawsuits would cut into the profit, and that I would lose
money from the seminars. No go on that idea.

Now I must leave you to talk amongst yourselves, as I want
to watch the Trading Spouses (ahem...wifeswapping...ahem)
show that is coming on. There is a couple from Licking, MO.
Isn't that appropriate for this post? I used to teach at a small
town not too far from Licking. I'm sure they will look like
hillbillies or meth-heads, and I'm itchin' to see it.

After that, I will be busy taking that Purity Test again and again,
trying to come up with various combinations that will net the
scores of my co-workers, so I can decipher how they really
answered the questions.

11 Comments:

Blogger Rebecca said...

Hi Hillbilly Mom,
Ahhh, another crown to add to my collection!
BTW, I got a score of 92. Read into that what you will.
HooRoo
Rebecca

9:47 PM  
Blogger JustLinda said...

I just took the test... I am Somewhat Debacherous -- You are 49% pure!

My husband was sitting by me while I took it. He said if it wasn't for him, I would have sprouted little angel wings and scored 98% pure. hahah

The one question said "Have you ever paid for sex?" and he asked "Does marriage count?" hahahah

9:59 PM  
Blogger Hillbilly Mom said...

Bec,
There you go again, claiming my bestest stuff. Have you built a special trophy room to display all titles, crowns, and contests you have wrested from my old gnarled hands? Fie on you, you usurper of my crowns!

That score does not surprise me, as you have shared your escapades (or lack of) with us before.


JustLinda,
Just a doggone minute! (That doggone Redneck Diva has me saying 'doggone' too doggone many times after reading her post today.) You may have outslutted me, Divine Miss L, but you CANNOT have my title of Empress of Impurity.

I will not pretend to be shocked by your score. After all, you did try to make your 5-year-old drink alcohol, and you did throw a city-wide party when your parents were out of town, and you do have a fixation on Gene Simmons' tongue...

10:44 PM  
Blogger Northend Nique said...

Ok, I'm not sure if I should be embarrassed or proud to be vying for the crown. My total is...
Totally Depraved
You are 17% pure!

Ouch! or Yay! Crap, I don't know.

11:41 PM  
Blogger Hillbilly Mom said...

Nique,
GREAT GOOGLEY MOOGLEY, WOMAN! Don't you have a TV? Which two did you say "NO" to? I'm hoping one was the necrophilia.

I will not give you my crown! Let go, it's MINE! You'll have to start your own nation to get a crown. I don't know its name, but I think your nation is just down the road from Inappropriateville. Maybe you can draw tourists away from Amsterdam.

Congratulations, or You have my sympathy, whichever way you're going to take this achievement.

12:09 AM  
Blogger Redneck Diva said...

Wow...JustLinda and I are debacherous...I stand in awe. And WAY TO GO Nique!! >:)

Tater took the test and scored a whole 77% pure. She said she was feeling pretty low about herself as she answered the questions, figuring she'd get about the same score I did. After her virginal ranking of 77% showed up on the screen, she held her hand up to me and yelled, "I don't WANT to know what you've done!!"

That was pretty closed-minded I thought.

4:08 PM  
Blogger Hillbilly Mom said...

Diva,
I am glad you did all that experimenting so your little sis didn't have to. Heh, heh.

7:04 PM  
Blogger Northend Nique said...

I have no idea, even still, how to go with my resluts... OOPS! I mean results.
As for the crown? Here, have it back. I have rethought my stance and I have decided that it is more responsibility than I need. Plus, living that close to Inappropriateville is really quite scary. Seriously, there are some freaks over there... no wonder the property was so cheap! Those folks over there of course answered 'yes' to the necrophilia question. EEEWW! Oh, and they really like their farm animals over there too. Definitely not the place for Ms. Nique.
Would you be so kind as to allow me to return to Hillmomba?
P.S. I went to Sonic for the 1st time yesterday!!!!

10:30 AM  
Blogger Hillbilly Mom said...

Nique,
We welcome you back to Hillmomba with open arms. Thank you for being a class act and returning the crown. Now that you have Sonic in your veins, you will never stray again.

9:49 PM  
Blogger Stacie said...

I scored a 54%. I told Diva that I was getting a little nervous for the first couple pages because I was clicking yes on so many. I kept thinking "I'm such a whore!" At least I'm still 10% more pure than Diva. How much is that saying?

7:38 PM  
Blogger Hillbilly Mom said...

Stacie,
When somebody scores lower than me, I have to try and imagine what questions they answered 'yes'.

No wonder Diva gets such interesting keyword searches on her blog.

10:34 PM  

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