Empress of Impurity

Several days ago, I discussed my adventure with the Sexual Purity
Test that I got from Mr. Huggies. Kind of sounds like I contracted
a disease, huh? Anyhoo, I gave the link to somebody at work, and
this little test has been making the rounds. And I seem to be the
most experienced one there. HooRah! Then again, as I tell my kids,
"That is not really something to be proud of."

Now that I hold the title of Empress of Impurity, I am looking for
someone to waltz in and steal my crown. Oh, it's not an actual
crown, like the exquisite Royal Crown of Hillmomba. It's more of
a virtual crown, a crown in name only, because I'm pretty sure the
school district would frown on me wearing a crown. (Hey! I'm a
poet and don't know it!) Yes, headwear is not permitted. Sorry,
Redneck Diva, you'll have to leave the pirate do-rag at home if
you're gonna step into my lair to give me some schoolin' on how
to lose more purity. She had a score lower than mine, you see,
but she isn't a teacher in Hillbillyville, so I am the Empress.

Since sharing our results, we are looking at each other like:
hmmm...how did she/he get that score. Somebody got a 94%.
Which is about as close to 99 and 99/100 percent pure as you
can get what with having a child and all. So now we are left to
wonder, did so-and-so get that score by being a Holy Roller,
(not that there's anything wrong with that) or just by default by
never getting off the farm, or by lying, or HOW? And the ones
who scored higher, just WHAT questions did they answer yes?
We have a wide range of scores.

Which brings me to my next order of business as Empress of
Impurity, which is to decree that the 94-percenter be my butler.
Oops! That was an episode of Seinfeld. What I meant to say
was that I decree all faculty members who've taken this test
must wear a badge with their scores plainly displayed. That
way, we will know how to talk to each other. No need of going
into the intricacies of the tongue piercing that the 10th graders
told you about if you are talking to the 94-percenter, because
that info will not be comprehended. Likewise, why waste time
discussing the question about "Has anybody ever told you that
you were good at ****ing?" with the 60-something percenters.
Because it is obvious that if they got that score, they must be
pretty doggone good at something.

For the impurity-challenged, I will be holding seminars on the
third floor from 12:15 to 2:56 each day. My disciples may
gather round to learn at the knee of Hillbilly Mom, Empress
of Impurity. I do have an apprentice who scored 67, who may
assist me in enlightening the flock when I am not available.

I am planning to write my fictitiously embellished autobiography
at the age of 98, when nobody is left alive to sue me. A colleague
suggested that I do it NOW, to reap the financial benefits. I fear
that the lawsuits would cut into the profit, and that I would lose
money from the seminars. No go on that idea.

Now I must leave you to talk amongst yourselves, as I want
to watch the Trading Spouses (ahem...wifeswapping...ahem)
show that is coming on. There is a couple from Licking, MO.
Isn't that appropriate for this post? I used to teach at a small
town not too far from Licking. I'm sure they will look like
hillbillies or meth-heads, and I'm itchin' to see it.

After that, I will be busy taking that Purity Test again and again,
trying to come up with various combinations that will net the
scores of my co-workers, so I can decipher how they really
answered the questions.