Saturday, March 04, 2006

Purity, Schmurity

Not going anywhere for a while? No, I am not promoting Snickers.
Go visit my friend Mr. Huggies and take a Purity Test. Don't cost
nothin'. (That's my Animal House quote for the day.) I am not
smart enough to link this test directly, but he's got a link on his site.
Sorry to wh0re you out like this, Huggies!

It is 100 questions, so it could take a few minutes. I tried to take
the test last night, but my Firefox crashed twice. Oh, the shame!
I just knew it was because of my vast array of experiences. They
were too hot for a Purity Test. That had to be the problem. Good
news, people: that 'third times a charm' thingie applies to Purity
Tests. Imagine my surprise when I took the test today, and scored
61% pure. That is "A Tad Inexperienced" according to the
website. It also said that I scored higher on purity than 72 % of
other people my age and gender. WTF!

I know how I answered the questions. What kind of people are
my peers? Great Googley Moogley! What a bunch of swingin'
hippies they must be if I am purer than 72% of them! I imagine
some people who I've worked with down through the years.
They would no doubt score purer than 99% of their peers, I
think, because they seem to have led very sheltered lives. Some
of the things I've had to explain to them...Like the time a teacher's
aide told some middle school boys to quit fingering each other.
Granted, that was not allowed in her classroom. But what she
really meant was for them to quit picking and poking at each
other. I'm glad she didn't write them up: Rocky and Tony finger
each other every day during class. I have warned them and
they still will not stop the fingering. All this fingering
the class, and other students can not concentrate.
I have called
their parents, but it has had no effect on Rocky
and Tony's
fingering. I am at a loss for what to do. This
fingering must be
stopped, before all my students think it is
OK to finger each
other during class time. Yeah. That would
have been a discipline report to frame and hang on the wall.

I can't imagine what my peers have been doing. I know it was
kind of a laid-back, groovy era. We even had a head shop
downtown on Main Street. But it was not exactly hippies and
Woodstock. Now I will be looking at people, thinking what
have you been up to?
I am absolutely flabbergasted. I suppose
I am not so worldly as I thought. "A Tad Inexperienced"
INDEED! There goes that handbasket racing by me again! Who
has been taking this survey in my age group? Parolees? Furries?
Chicken Ranch employees? Arkansas residents? (Just kidding,
Arkansans. Some of the BEST hillbillies come from Arkansas)

I am a bit curious to see if my buddy Redneck Diva takes this
test. One of my favorite pastimes lately is stalking her stats
to see what keyword searches led people to her blog. It is not
for the faint of heart. Here are some from March 3 and 4:

3 Mar 23:54:35 gaping butt pain
4 Mar 10:45:55 bo bo ski otten totten
4 Mar 11:21:46 tater cannon videos
4 Mar 11:53:40 siths on the uterus

What is going on over there, Diva? I don't recall finding this info
in your posts. Do you have a double-secret blog somewhere? Did
something happen this one band camp? I don't think your
Sis will appreciate the videos, either. And I'm afraid to even ask
what bo bo ski otten totten is all about.

Now don't go thinkin' ol' Hillbilly Mom is depressed to be
considered purer than 72% of her peers. I am not trying to
be perceived as a skank, or a hoochie, as my students say.
I don't want the thong sticking out of my low-riders, covering
up my crack tattoo. I just thought I was kind of, um...more
advanced than some of my peers. Who knew?


Blogger Dave in Ardmore said...

I generally do not have time for such nonsense, but since it involved my favorite pastime I took the test and was amazed to find out that I am rather experienced and 59% pure, not bad for a small town fella.

12:26 AM  
Blogger Redneck Diva said...

Oh well, of course if YOU took the test you KNOW I'll be takin' the test as well!!

Gaping butt pain???? Oh my gosh, what is my blog doing behind my back? I haven't even POSTED in awhile! Siths on the uterus...may the force be with you. Yeesh.

5:13 PM  
Blogger Hillbilly Mom said...

I can tell you have devoted a lot of time to your favorite pastime. Either that, or you're one of those Woodstock hippies.

5:15 PM  
Blogger Hillbilly Mom said...

I saw your results. Great Googley Moogley, woman! Is there anything you HAVEN'T done? Methinks that this one time, at drama camp...Isn't that where you went one time, and posted the pics from High School? Or was it really band camp? I do remember that pic of you conducting the band. Rather smugly, I might add. Before you acquired you pirate persona.

11:20 PM  
Blogger Redneck Diva said...

Great Googley Moogley indeed! I was shocked at how many yesses I checked on that thing!

I never went to drama OR band camp - only church camp. Talk about irony.

I need to melt me some Gummi Marys and pray a bit methinks.

9:33 AM  
Blogger MrsCoach2U said...

I won't even tell my results. Apparently, if the High School boys knew my results, I wouldn't be very popular, no matter how low-cut my shirt is..........I thought I was fairly worldly, but apparently there is something I am completely missing out on!!!!!!!!!!!!!

1:50 PM  
Blogger Hillbilly Mom said...

Gummi Marys AND 'methinks' in the same sentence...TWO bonus points for you!

Perhaps I'll see an image of you in Gummi Bears some day.

6:54 PM  

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