Sunday, March 05, 2006

Chocolate Factory Revenge

I wish life was like the Chocolate Factory. Willy Wonka's factory.
Then, the people who annoy me would get their comeuppance. I
already have plans for them, you know.

Let's start with that kid in my class who always takes more than
his share of the free snacks that are left-overs from my pantry. In
the beginning, kids would take a couple of cookies, one granola
bar, a packet of Pop Rocks, a few Goldfish, etc. Except for this
kid. He would take two granolas, or a pack of cheese crackers
and some Pop Rocks. At first, he tried to hide it. Then I caught
him throwing away the wrappers. "Why do you think you should
have extra?" He shrugged his shoulders. I explained that it would
run out faster that way, and it wasn't fair to the others. I thought
I made my point. But he kept doing it. I asked again why he
thought he deserved extra. Again, the shoulder shrug. Then one
day he had FOUR packets of Pop Rocks. Not fair! He acted
annoyed that I mentioned it, like he was OWED four packets
of Pop Rocks.

The other kids didn't like him much to start with. Now they really
don't like him. They have made an arrangement so that one of them
gets to the room first, and takes the bag of whatever is new. They
keep it at one of their desks until he has taken something. If he
wants what they have, he has to ask, and they give him the same
portion they have. That doesn't stop him from going to get some-
thing else. I guess I'll just have to let them run out of snacks, and
explain, "Well, that's what happens when you eat it all in one day."
I doubt he will get the message. People like that never do.

Now don't get me wrong. He's not malnourished or anything. In
fact, he is heftier than the others. I wonder why! Maybe he has
that Prader-Willi syndrome or something. Anyhoo, I think he needs
to turn into a big blueberry so we can roll him down the hall to
Mabel's end of the school. She could line up some tacks, like one
of those police stop-the-criminal strips, and pop him.

Next on my list for the Chocolate Factory would be Mum. Because
he always fiddles away his time, and says work is done when it's
not, I have a special surprise in store for him. When he gets to the
lunch line, the cooks will mumble, "Lunch is done, but we left it at
home. We were going to do it over, but we ran out of time. We
were busy eating our breakfast, then we couldn't find the right
ingredients. We couldn't ask the principal to borrow a stove for
us again, because we already owe him seven of them. We can't
cook without a stove, you know. We'll just have to sit here until
lunchtime is over. Oh, and sign this paper for the principal to show
that we were in the kitchen, and looking at the food we can't cook."

Then there is the kid who parks where she is not supposed to park.
This will take some doing. I will have to control the weather. I will
set it up for prom night. All parking places will be filled with vehicles
that don't belong there: garbage trucks, fire trucks, golf carts, four-
wheelers, dump trucks, UPS trucks, RotoRooter trucks, Domino's
Pizza cars, police cars, TV news trucks with satellites on top, and
my large SUV, right up front where her limo could have dropped
her off. Now, these vehicles are not only in the parking lot, they
are lined up on both sides of the road for about a half-mile from
the door. She will have to be dropped off and walk a half mile in
her prom shoes and dress. Oh, and did I mention that I will make
it rain? A hard, driving rain that will soak her to the skin. Oops!
The prom hairdo might get wet, as all umbrellas will be replaced
with umbrellas made of toilet paper. Eeewww! It will be kind of
like teepeeing a real live person.

Is that a bad plan, do you think? Am I showing sociopathic
tendencies? Because I mustn't let out the crazy. Tell me, and I
will tone it down. We don't have to pop the blueberry. He can
be stored in the gym and used as a Megaball to play volleyball
with on reward days. I don't think he'll starve. He's been storing
up quite a few calories since September.

6 Comments:

Blogger Redneck Diva said...

"Violet! You're turning violet, Violet!"

Totally awesome movie line.

I think that yes, you are showing sociopathic tendencies, but go ahead and let the crazy out, dear, because well, for one thing you're OH SO PRETTY and for another, all hillbillies/rednecks have to let the crazy out or it goes far beyond popping blueberry kids and toilet papering real people. Trust me on this one. Let it out, let it out.

5:17 PM  
Blogger LanternLight said...

Then there is the kid who parks where she is not supposed to park.

It's truly a shame that you can't wheel clamp that miserable SOB.

Am I showing sociopathic tendencies?

There are some days where I wished I owned a 1965 Sunbeam Tiger with 2 .50 cal machine guns discretely concealed under the hood.

10:09 PM  
Blogger Hillbilly Mom said...

Diva,
Great. I don't want to be known as OH SO CRAZY! But I do feel much better.

Lantern,
You go guy! Let it OUT!

11:17 PM  
Blogger Malinda777 said...

Go ahead and rant about the smhucks. Out with them all :)

Here from Michele

5:37 AM  
Blogger MrsCoach2U said...

Mr. Coach and the other football coach are both under 5'8", (the other fb coach is about 5'4") and they have these blueberry -blue windsuits that are solid colored. When they wear them on the football sidelines they kind of bob-up-and-down and we all sing the Ompa-loompa song behind their backs. Don't know I feel the need to share this, but maybe I'm crazy too! I'm sure I can find a pic and post it if you need a visual!!!

1:47 PM  
Blogger Hillbilly Mom said...

Malinda,
Yes, I think I'll take that advice. No schmuck is safe from my ranting!

Mrs.,
Oh, my goodness, no! I do not need a visual!

10:58 PM  

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