Wednesday, March 29, 2006

The Phakers

The DoNots were tricky today. They did their DoNot best to get
information out of me. They think they are smart. I think I am
smarter. They are like those "phishing" internet scams. Only I will
refer to my DoNots as "phakers". They fake that they have the
info they are actually seeking. It happened twice today.

One group decided to discuss staff turnover.

Hey, why is Mr. K going back to his old school?
What makes you think that?
He said he's going back.
He said that to your class? Why would he discuss something like
that with students?
Well, he must have got pretty mad yesterday. He yelled it at one
of his classes that he was going back.
So you didn't actually hear him say it?
I heard the same thing. He got mad and told a class.
So why is he leaving?
He doesn't like us.
I thought our school pays more than his old school.
I guess you need to ask Mr. K.
We already know. Didn't you know?
I don't have any comment on it until I talk to Mr. K.

The thing is, I know all about it. But I do not feel comfortable
discussing it with these phakers. Chances are, they do not know
anything, and are trying to get me to verify what they are thinking.
Then they can boast: "Of course we know. Mrs. Hillbilly Mom
told us all about it." I'm not taking the fall.

The next group accosted me right after the tardy bell.

Mrs. C is pregnant.
Why do you think that?
She said so.
Why would she tell you? You don't even have her for a teacher.
Well, she went to the doctor yesterday and said everything is fine,
and that it's due sometime around November.
Why would she discuss that with you? When do you see her?
Downstairs a while ago. She just did.
She told you?
Well, she told her classes.
She told her classes that she's pregnant and went to the doctor?
Well, it was written on her board.
She wrote on the board that she's pregnant?
Well, I didn't see it myself.
I can't believe Mrs. C is pregnant.
Did you know?
I do not want to discuss this subject until I talk to Mrs. C. I don't
think it is something she would be telling students.
Well, she told us.

Of course I know the whole story here, too. But the more you
prod these phakers, the more holes you can rip in their story. In
years past, it has been about teachers being fired, or what students
are pregnant, or whose locker the drug dog scratched. It's a game
they play, giving false information in hopes of getting some true
information. Once you've been around these phakers, it's not hard
to sniff out a scam. These are kids who say things like, "Susie,
what if you were a vampire? Would you bite me?" Yeah. Just the
crowd I would like to share MY personal information with.

There's another kind of phaker. The kind who bluffs like a poker
player. The kind who acts like YOU are the one in the wrong.
The kind who acts so outraged at a simple request that you dared
ask of him that you think YOU are surely the one in the wrong.
Only the teachers know better. We have seen these phakers before.

Some phakers are mild-mannered, going for the poor, mistreated
innocent act. Like my little bus phaker Monday. He ran out before
his bus was called so he could stand outside and be first on his bus.
I asked why he came out early and he gave me some lip about 'why
don't you ask all the others?' Except he was the only one there
besides the alternative school girl, who is supposed to be there.
Today, the principal called him over to discuss the matter.

Quit hiding and get over here. What was the problem Monday?
Uh, I was wanting to get on my bus in a hurry because I didn't
feel good.
What's your excuse for not doing what Mrs. Hillbilly Mom said?
Um...she told me to wait, but I felt like I might pass out, so I got
on the bus instead of waiting until last.
That's not good enough! You have to do as you're told. I'll talk
to you tomorrow morning. I have a slip on my desk.
If you didn't feel good, you should have stayed in the gym where
there's a teacher to watch you! What if you'd passed out here by
the road? You could have fallen into the street and been run over!
Is that your bus? Get on it. I'll talk to you tomorrow.

Heh heh. It's not nice to disobey Mrs. Hillbilly Mom.
Another couple of phakers tried it today. Mrs. L nailed them.

What are you doing down here?
WAITING! Like everybody else!
Do you ride a bus?
Then go inside and wait with everybody else.
C'mon! Let's go back down there. We're NOT WANTED here!
No. Stand right there. If you ride a bus, you belong in the gym.
NO. We're going back down THERE.
Apparently she does, since you won't listen.
HEY! I DON'T KNOW WHERE TO GO! I've been kicked out
a lot lately.
Do you wonder why?

Then the principal came out and followed them on the bus to make
it clear exactly what they needed to do. How do kids think they can
get away with this stuff? Oh, I know! They've never been spanked
or disciplined in any other way at home. Go ahead and bash ol'
Hillbilly Mom for her spanking views, but I've seen just about
enough of this touchy-feely-I'm-your-buddy-everyone-else-is-in-
the-wrong-and-we'll-sue-their-a$$-off parenting. Somebody must
take charge of the young folks, or I will be hurtin' for certain when
they are changing my Depends in the nursing home.

Can I get a H*LL YEAH! from somebody? Redneck Diva?
Should their mamas threaten to beat them until candy comes out?
I hear you've had success with that tactic. Deadpanann? Should
their mamas leave them locked up instead of bailing them out
when they bash a kid's head in with a baseball bat? Perhaps that
would send a message that we ain't puttin' up with their shenanigans
no more!

Y'all make some Notes To Self: Hillbilly Mom should not be
confused with Mother Teresa.


Blogger Redneck Diva said...


Amen, sister,


Preach ON, my friend!

Threatening to beat them till candy comes out of their sister is even more effective.

My newest one is "If you don't straighten up I'm gonna spank your butt and take away your birthday!" The other day I heard Kady telling one of her dolls that, too. Seems they might be listening occasionally after all.

9:35 PM  
Blogger Rebecca said...

Hi Hillbilly Mom,
The wheels on the bus go round and round, round and round, round and round.
Dang you Hillbilly Mom, now I can't get that song out of my head.

6:21 AM  
Blogger Mr Bates said...

I got spanked by my dad once, and that was enough. I got paddled in school twice, and that was enough. Or at least enough to make me smart enough to not get caught! I say beat the crap out of 'em. And maybe even their parents!

8:38 AM  
Blogger ill man said...

C'mon, it's a child's job to be a pain in the butt. Just be thankfull you and most of your colleagues have the smarts not to fall into their little traps. Most of them grow up to be fairly well adjusted adults who realise what a little toerag they used to be. At worst they'll remain as devious little sh*ts and get jobs as lawyers, politicians or stockbrokers.............

6:24 PM  
Blogger Hillbilly Mom said...

I knew you'd hear me, Sistah!

Diva likes the song "There's a hole in the bucket, the bucket, the bucket..."
How does that one fit in your head?

H*ll YEAH!

Ill Man,
...where they can defend other children who have never been spanked.

11:07 PM  
Blogger deadpanann said...

"I've seen just about
enough of this touchy-feely-I'm-your-buddy-everyone-
the-wrong-and-we'll-sue-their-a$$-off parenting."

Damn straight. DAMN straight!

Today the parent of one of my students was in the office and I overheard her bitching at the office staff about the fact that her son got a day in ALC. Never saw this woman before. I had 2 of her kids at the beginning of the year (1 has since dropped out) and both were demons and both were failing but she could not be reached (555-DISCONNECTED) and never came to conferences or anything. Anyway, since the reason her son got ALC was for being a shithead in my class for the forty eleventh time, and since I'm tired of these mothertrukers and their bullshyt, I decided to tell her about it. (Politely and professionally, of course.)

After that short conversation (short because she didn't come to hear about the problem, she just came to bitch at someone), I asked her how the now-dropped-out student was doing, and she said, "Aww she's pregnant again." (Kid's 16. Just dropped out of SEVENTH GRADE. This'll be baby #2) She went on to say that she wants her to come back to school but isn't going to send her because "these people up here are so stupid--they won't just move her up a couple of grades so she'll act right." She went on to gripe about the girl being pregnant, saying, "She's sixteen and has 2 kids. I don't know what to do."

HOWS ABOUT NOT LETTING HER BE ALONE WITH SPERM DONORS for starters, you TWAT! I didn't have sex until I was 20ish, and it wasn't because I was too responsible or whatever. It was because of my "crazy" momma and her "old fashioned" insistence that I not be given the chance. Every time things got steamy between me and some zit faced kid with a boner, someone walked in. (Either someone WAS walking in, or I was too afraid that someone was about to be walking in. One's just as effective as the other.) At the time I thought she was out to make my life hell, but now I realize she was keeping me from making my life hell.

Sorry for hijacking. I only came to say "HELL YEAH" but ended up talking about my early sexual experiences. Oops. That's what blogging after midnight'll getya.

12:54 AM  
Blogger Hillbilly Mom said...

Miss Ann,
The 'early sexual experience' stories of my commenters are always welcome. I knew I could get a H*LL YEAH! from you.

I meant to leave you a comment congratulating you on not dying, but I didn't get around to it. Good thing you're NOT dying, huh?

6:15 PM  

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