Sunday, July 02, 2006

Hillbilly Mansion Library 2

A new shipment of books has arrived at the Hillbilly Mansion
Library. They were ordered by special request of some weirdos
who searched for things allegedly found in my blog. Get out your
library cards, folks. There might be a stampede at the check-out
desk.

teachers calling in sick...a collection of excuses used by those
wacky professionals when they couldn't face another day of work.
"A skunk is outside my house and will spray if I open the door."
"My wife is gone for the day, and I must use this time to rent some
pr0n to watch before she gets back." And many more.

plantar wart and pickle juice...a children's book about two lifelong
friends. Plantar Wart, the grounded, no-nonsense down-to-earth
soul, and Pickle Juice, his sometimes sweet, sometimes sour buddy
who's his bread and butter. Keep in step with them through their
adventures with the podiatrist next door, and go on a picnic with
this odd couple. The kids will love them.

nudes I shot myself...an autobiography from within prison walls.
Hear one man's story of his rampage in a nudist colony.

tampon eater...the story of the world's worse known case of pica.
A woman's journey to take recycling to the limit, it ended with
the birth of her first child, and OH SO MANY disposable diapers,
OH SO LITTLE time.

letourneau's secret milk codes...how Mary Kay communicated
with Vili while the whole 6th grade remained unaware. A must
for budding pedophiles, a step by step directive on how to get
the boy of your dreams.

grooming issues...comb your hair with a fork? Wear black socks
with sandals? Rip the sheets with your toenails? Have so much
back hair that people at the beach think you're wearing a sweater?
This book's for you!

worms that come out of dog's butts...a pictorial diary of every
squirmy thing that crawled from the author's pet's anus in one
year. Methinks he needs to get a life. And a new dog.

hill billy pets game...not so much a game as a cookbook. Learn
how to stew up Ol' Betsy, Rover, Puff, and others when they
have outgrown their cuteness.

red polka dot dress fashion faux-pas...the tale of one boy's
shunning at the Senior Prom. Who knew? Now we all do.
Guys, don't wear a red polka dot dress to prom.

histinex good times and histinex pain...boxed set of two memoirs
of a bi-polar author addicted to sweet, sweet histinex. Ooh, it
hurts so good!

satanists don't wear gold...but the devil wears Prada! Just kidding.
Heartwrenching story of a young disciple of Satan who must make
a choice: follow her heart, or give up the bling?

mary washed jesus and wrapped him in...hot off the press book
of religious-themed mad-libs, just in time for summer and those
jaunts to the beach. Make up your own hilarious Bible Stories!

Happy reading! Make sure you return them on time.

4 Comments:

Blogger Stacie said...

Very funny, as always. The tampon eater, though? Gross.

8:21 AM  
Blogger Brian said...

I'm making note of those teacher excuses....... :)

Happy Independence Day to you and yours!

2:44 PM  
Blogger Redneck Diva said...

The religious mad libs made me laugh out loud!

I'd go check my stats but you may very well have exhausted the supply for awhile with my touching tribute post.

3:07 PM  
Blogger Hillbilly Mom said...

Stacie,
WHY would anyone search for that? Perhaps it's a term of endearment, and somebody was trying to find their long lost friend.

Brian,
Those were people I actually worked with. Though the pr0n guy didn't say it when he called in...he just told us all why he'd been out 'sick'.

Diva,
I could never exhaust your supply of kinky searches. I check them every couple of days, and there are always more where THEY came from. I used to envy you, until I got the 'tampon eater'.

5:41 PM  

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