Wednesday, June 28, 2006

What I'm Doing This Summer

We are planning a little trip when my Hillbilly Husband takes some
vacation time. I can't tell you when it is, because then you would
know when I was gone, and since I'm not sure how effective my
Witness Protection identity is, someone who really knows me
could have a heyday here at the Mansion.

They could swim in the pool and the hairwad hot tub, they could
tip over my old outhouse, they could harvest all of my ancient
artifacts from the creek, they could take the Scout for a spin,
they could try to pet the unpettable poopies. I just wouldn't feel
right if I allowed someone to have that much fun.

We are only going to be gone overnight. I don't want to do the
Branson thing this year, because we are not made of money, much
to the disbelief of HH. He is still planning a 3-day trip to Las Vegas
with #1 son, so I guess he needs to be out harvesting those money-
growing trees pretty soon. He's not going to gamble, he's going to
visit his brother. He has some frequent flier miles from all those
business trips he had to put on his personal credit card. According
to #1 son, they have quite a luxury suite lined up for their
accommodations. He is excited about flying, since he's never
been on a plane before.

We are only going to St. Louis. My part of the deal is staying at
a casino overnight. WooHoo! I get more than an hour to gamble.
I don't need no stinkin' money-growing trees. That is one thing I
have taken care of. Every time we have ever gone gambling over
the past 15 years, I have squirrelled away my winnings. HH? He
puts it back in until it is gambled down to nothing. Not Hillbilly
Mom, by cracky! I have a tidy little sum stored away. Perhaps
I should use it for a family vacation...NAWWW! It's not like I
run around buying Scouts and swimming pools all year. It's mine,
I tell you! I saved it. And it's mine to gamble, by cracky!

The boys are excited to stay in a hotel with a mini-fridge and an
ice machine and a snack machine. It doesn't take much to please
the little fellers. They will be taking numerous gaming systems to
pass the time while HH and I take turns going to the casino. They
will also get a trip to Chuck E. Cheese (the good one, Diva, in
South St. Louis), time in the game room of another casino, and
a trip to somewhere we haven't decided. Up for consideration
are: the zoo, Science Center, Bigfoot, Transportation Museum,
art museum, Bass Pro Shop (not the good one in Springfield...
the one in St. Charles), Cahokia Mounds (they've already seen
it). We are currently negotiating the final destination.

That stuff is just for our overnight trip. While at home, we plan
to do some fishing, marshmallow-roasting, swimming, hot-tubbing,
and who knows what. If any good movies open, we're sure to
be there. We saw Garfield: A Tail of Two Kitties yesterday. It
was pretty good, though I don't know if kids needed to hear
the 'fava beans and a nice Chianti' comment, or see a dog try
to eat the balls off Billy Connelly. Still, there was no profanity,
which was amazing, considering they even snuck a bad word
into Cars. Oh, and not to give anything away, but if you're a
Seinfeld fan, you'll recognize Garfield's butler as none other
than Elaine's boss, Mr. Pitt. Not her boss Mr. Peterman, of the
J Peterman Catalog job, but Mr. Pitt, who would not let Elaine
go to Atlantic City with Jerry and George to kill Kramer's
beauty contestant's doves by throwing ice off the balcony,
because she had to buy Mr. Pitt some socks.

Now I'm wound up about that word in Cars. That is not necessary.
It is basically a kids' movie. Can adults not go two hours without
a dose of profanity? I am not a goody-goody, but I don't think
kids need to hear it. It's enough that they hear it on the bus and
at school. And that's just from the driver and the teacher, heh heh.
But seriously folks...there is line in Cars like "Now I'm stuck here
in Hillbilly H*ll." Yeah. It's fine to ridicule hillbillies, huh? Where
is our political correctness? I demand a commercial like that one
for Geico, so my buddy Redneck Diva can say, "I'll have the
roast duck with mango salsa." And I get to say, "I don't have
much of an appetite, thank you." Then I can rail on the writers
of Cars about how hurtful their portrayal of hillbillies is.

Anyhoo...we're taking a one-day vacation. I am very regular
(in the posting of my blog, not necessarily in my digestive
processes, which are not really your business). If I don't have
a new post for a day, don't get all thinkin' some foul play has
befallen me (got that, Mabel?). I will return. I may even try to
trick you and post every day. We'll see.


Blogger Stewed Hamm said...

As far as stuff to do in Street Louis goes, the Science Center is awesome. The Zoo is also good (and free - always a bonus) You might also consider Grant's Farm. They'll give you a couple free beer samples, so HH would be pleased.

If you hit it big at the casino, take the family to a ballgame. The new baseball stadium kicks ass.

12:38 AM  
Blogger MrsCoach2U said...

Bring me back a t-shirt!!! Oh wait, then I'd either have to know where you live to come and get it or you'd have to know where I live to send it to me...... Buy yourself a t-shirt (pink please) and think of me!!!!!!!!!!!1

8:26 AM  
Blogger Bluejinx said...

We loved going out to the Zoo when we were stationed there. I've been to many zoos both in the US and the world, and St Louis is one of my favorites.

Have fun and bet 13 on roulette for me!!


9:07 AM  
Blogger Cat said...

Just stopped in off another blog and wanted to say Hi to a fellow Missourian. (is that what they are called?)
Have a Great Vacation...boy do I need on of those.

Take care!

9:12 AM  
Blogger Hillbilly Mom said...

Thanks for reminding me about Grant's Farm. That was on my list and I forgot. We took HH's older boys there when they were kids. And let me recommend to you the Anheuser Busch tour. They also give samples, and you can see the Clydesdales. The smell isn't so great, though. The beer, not the horses.

HH gets free tickets through his suppliers, and has already been to the new stadium with #1 son. I'm not such a baseball fan.

I would if I could. I'd leave it down by the mailboxes, and you could pick it up before the bearded vagrant got to it. Watch out for the bird in the back of the flies out at your head when you reach in.

The last time we went to the zoo, one kid was small enough to ride in a stroller, and the other stood on the back. There was a light drizzle, and it was cool and not crowded. It was great.

I am spoiled by the St. Louis Zoo. I went to one in Springfield, MO, and it was just sad. I think they had one broken-down old elephant. It was like the Island of Misfit Toys in the Rudolph TV show.

I don't do the roulette thing...I'm a slots and video poker kind of gal. I'm too afraid of looking like an idiot, and committing an embarrassing casino faux pas.

I think we're usually just called rednecks. Welcome. Again. I lost track of you when you left the swamp. Good to hear from you again.

4:56 PM  
Blogger Redneck Diva said...

By cracky!! I so WANT to do a hillbilly commercial with you! I can just see you and I sitting there in a fancy restaurant -myself wearing my piratey do-rag of course and I would quite possibly be barefoot and you could wear your bat tab hat...oh yeah...that'd rival any Geico commercial.

Mango salsa sucks, btw. I have yet to eat any I've liked. I'll just have my roast duck with ketchup.

I cannot - simply CANNOT - believe you are forsaking Branson this year! I am befuddled and I'm sure Dolly would be heartbroken if she got wind of it. Besides, it's your turn to visit Skaggs' Urgent Care.

10:45 PM  
Blogger Hillbilly Mom said...

We could invent our own product called By Cracky! And the slogan would be Buy Cracky! But we can't sell crack. Or meth. Too unlawful.

My 8-year-old will eat anything dipped in ketchup. Even meat. He loves meatloaf...the boy who demanded to know "WHO PUT THE MEAT ON MY BURGER?"

Don't give me the Dolly guilt. It can't be done right now. We have visited enough of the Urgent Cares in our area. I got bills from two of them last week for the Type A Influenza and the cellulitis visits of one HH Needybutt.

5:24 PM  

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