Thursday, April 27, 2006

Mr. K and Dolly

Another score for Hillbilly Mom in the continuing lunch table
battle of Torment Mr. K. I did not land a direct hit today, but I
think I winged him.

Talk had turned to substitute teachers, with three of my five lunch
guys in attendance today, and rating the subs by their looks. Only
the female subs, of course. After that little trip to Inappropriateville,
Mr. K said, "Have you ever had My Old Classmate for a sub?"

Mr. G replied, "Yes! And when I came back, the kids said, 'Mr. G,
why did you leave us with a fag?' I told them it wasn't my choice."

"You know," said Mr. K, "he told me he really likes you."

"Is that right?" asked Mr. G. "How do you know that?"

"Mr. K called him last night, like every other night, when they
talk about their cats," I informed Mr. G.

YES! Score for Hillbilly Mom! Mr. G gave me the look, which
is like a visual high-five. Mr. K has not gotten the best of Hillbilly
Mom. Not yet. He has 13 days left to try.


And if that wasn't boring enough...I must now share with you my
TV viewing experience last night. I was held captive, waiting for my
#1 son to fall asleep on the couch, and searching for anything that
could hold my interest. I stumbled across CMT, and WOOHOO!
There was a Crossroads show with Dolly Parton and Melissa
Etheridge. Which seemed to me like a couple of strange bedfellows.
Can you believe it--those traitors at CMT gave my Dolly second
billing! Hey! Last time I checked, CMT was COUNTRY Music
Television! I don't recall Melissa Etheridge ever being country.
So what's with putting her name first? She must have a better
agent, or else Dolly doesn't give a rat's behind, because she is
older, and has more insurance. (Oops! That's a line from Fried
Green Tomatoes.) I guess when you are rolling in cash like my
Dolly, you don't care if your name is first or second. Let that
poor little Etheridge gal have her glory.

They sang each other's songs. It was from 2003, when Dolly had
her tribute CD, "Just Because I'm a Woman" coming out. I'm sure
Melissa had one coming out too, since why do a TV show unless
you have something to promote. The show intercut the singing in
front of a live audience with an interview with the two of them at
Melissa's house.

Anyhoo...I was almost embarrassed for Melissa. Compared to my
Dolly, she was a bland, roadhouse band, karaoke-singin' wannabee.
Now don't get me wrong...Melissa Etheridge is a good singer on
her own studio-polished songs. I have nothing against her. I even
have her "Yes I Am" CD. But as far as naming any other CDs, or
even more than three songs off that CD, I can't do it.

But MY DOLLY ROCKED that house! I think it was on "I Want
To Be In Love" or "Bring Me Some Water". I'm not sure of those
titles, but they were something like that. Dolly belted those out like
nobody's business. She took command of that stage, tapped her
little size 2-or-some-nonsense six-inch heel, and earned herself
two standing ovations. Wow! Poor mealy-mouthed Melissa could
only gape at The Divine Miss D in open-(mealy)-mouthed awe.

Again, I'm not a Melissa-hater. It's just that Dolly had her waaay
outclassed. When they took questions from the audience, I think
three out of four questions were for Melissa. Then a sissified guy
asked Dolly, "If you get married again, can I be your husband?"
And Dolly replied, "You can be my lover right now! Don't you
read about me in the tabloids?" Heh, heh. What a classy broad,
my Dolly.

The only thing that impressed me about Melissa was during the
interview, when Dolly sang the very first song she wrote, at about
age 5, a capella. For all you non-Dolly fans, it was "Little Tiny
Tassletop", about her corncob doll. At the end, she reached over
and strummed her guitar with her long fake fingernails. Melissa
picked up her own guitar and started jamming, as Dolly picked up
hers. How do they know the key and all that crap, just to start in
like they've been doing this for eons? OK, maybe Dolly has. But
I was impressed.

Now I want a banjo and a mandolin so I can not play them, just
like I can not play my guitar. It's a personal goal.


Blogger Rebecca said...

Hi Hillbilly Mom,
I have no idea how they play guitar with long fingernails. If I have the slightest amount of nail growth on my hands, my guitar playing sounds like a cut cat in a blender.
I think I will just have to bite the bullet and go back to playing the drums. My neighbours have now been warned.

7:10 PM  
Blogger LanternLight said...

Dolly is one classy lady. Does her bit for charity as well.

Melissa, apart from batting for the other side, just doesn't cut it musically.

4:23 PM  
Blogger Hillbilly Mom said...

OOOH! Now I want to not play the drums, too. Thanks for that idea.

Perhaps Melissa should spend less time at batting practice (a skill which she has probably perfected by this point in her life) and more time practicing HER SINGING!

Again, I give you bonus points for the Dolly-lovin'.

7:34 PM  
Blogger Redneck Diva said...

I don't like either of them all that much, but I'm glad you had fun!

That whole picking up the instrument and just knowing what to play with the rest of the that is pure talent. I took 10+ years of piano lessons and if I don't have a sheet of music in front of me I can't pick out a durn thing. I could play well - back in the day - but I have no natural ability to just wing it. So your Dolly is quite a gal. But you already knew that.

11:18 AM  
Blogger Hillbilly Mom said...

OK, half a bonus point for saying my Dolly is 'quite a gal'.

I am able to play sheet music and chords on the piano (self-taught), but I can not play two-handed piano. My son took piano lessons from the age of 4 to 9, but did not want to continue. He was better than me.

I can play the first 11 notes of "Sweet Home Alabama" on my guitar, just from fiddling around with it. Strangely enough, no bands have called me to go on tour with them. Go figure!

2:18 PM  

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