Wednesday, April 19, 2006

Eye Can't Believe It

Today I had an occular injury. It is more commonly referred to as...
how you say...BUGEYE.

I had just walked #2 son into school, and on my way out, a drop of
water hit me in the eye. It was overcast, so I thought perhaps it was
starting to rain. I got into the large SUV, and my eye was itching. I
reached up to rub it briefly. Then, as I pulled out of the parking lot,
my eye really began to burn. I couldn't keep it open. It teared. My
whole left nostril got runny. I felt like my sinus cavity was revolting.
I figured I had gotten hand lotion in my eye when I rubbed it.

The half-mile drive to my building was torture. I had to press my left
hand over my left eye. Umm...I might not have mentioned that is my
GOOD eye. I am nearsighted in my right eye. I have glasses that I
really should wear when driving, but when the DMV tests me, my
good eye takes over and I can pass the vision test. It was a blurry
drive. I thought some guy was parked across the driveway to the
back parking lot, but no, he was just some stalker sitting in a truck
on a gravel offshoot of the driveway.

I parked and got out of the large SUV, gathered my stuff, and
hurried inside. No need to tempt the stalker by appearing weak,
when I couldn't identify him in a police line-up anyway. I quickly
forgot about the stalker once I entered the building, because hey,
it's all about ME.

In my room, I grabbed a tissue to wipe my eye. My shirtsleeve
in the car had been less than satisfactory. I did not think about the
tissues having lotion in them. It didn't really matter. When I looked
at the tissue, there was a black particle on it. I ran (well, as much as
ol' Hillbilly Mom can run) to the mirror in my cabinet. There was a
black chunk of something at the inner corner of my eye. Another
tissue dug it out with two more tries.

IT WAS A BUG! I had been driving with a BUG in my eye! He
was about the size of 3 pinheads put together. Which is kind of
big to be in your eye. I guess he was trying to crawl down my tear
duct, which caused the sinus issue. I'm sure not one of those freaks
who can cry diamonds. A squishy bug was too much for me.

Yep. I had a critter that could fly in my eye. A creeper in my peeper.
A flying little troll in the window to my soul. A faux drop of water I
couldn't absorb had invaded my hazel-colored orb. A horrid little
stinker in my incapacitated winker. OK, enough of that.

Being the kind, empathetic beings that they are, my first class of
DoNots shouted out, "What's the matter with your EYE?"
Before I even took roll and lunch count. It was a bit red. By
lunchtime, I had recovered enough to call Mr. K a fag without
him calling me a cyclops.

All this has reminded me of a little hillbilly joke. Enjoy.

There was a hillbilly man who had only one eye. His grandpa
whittled him an eye, since the family was too poor to buy him
a glass eye. He was very self-conscious, and didn't get out
much. His mother wanted him to meet a nice hillbilly gal, and
settle down and have a passel of young 'uns. She urged him
to go down to the town square for the weekly social, where
he might be able to find a wife.

Unbeknownst to the man with the wooden eye, there was
a nice girl who lived over in the next holler. She had the
misfortune of tangling with a rattlesnake at a young age,
and she lost a leg. She also had a grandpa who could
whittle, and he carved her a wooden leg. She was afraid
she would never find a mate, but it was not for lack of
trying. Unfortunately, men did not pay her much attention
when they noticed her wooden leg.

Fate led the two of them to the town social, where they
both sat on the sidelines of the dance, checking out suitable
partners. The one-eyed man saw the peg-legged girl, and
worked up courage to ask her to dance. He thought, She's
not perfect, but I can deal with a wooden leg. She is just
the kind who might find me acceptable.

The man with the wooden eye walked across the dance
floor to the girl with the wooden leg.

"Would you like to dance with me?" he asked quietly.

The girl was overjoyed, as no man had ever asked her to
dance. Her face glowed. In her fit of enthusiasm, she blurted,

"Stick-leg! Stick-leg!" shouted the man with the wooden eye,
and he ran back home, never to see her again.

Hey! I didn't say it had a happy ending.


Blogger Chickadee said...

How many people can say that they have had a BUG crawling around in their eye??? I know I've swallowed bugs on accident, but I've never had a bug in my EYE.

Isn't it amazing too, how something so tiny can mess your eye and sinuses up???

9:05 PM  
Blogger MamaKBear said...

I had to rub my eyes after reading this! I have SUCH a phobia of things in or close to my eyes...ever since getting stuck in the eye with a straw by a just-turned-2 yr old at Chuck E. Cheese.

THAT freakin' hurt! It turned out he'd scratched my cornea and I had to go around with a patch for like a week. Bleh.

12:51 AM  
Blogger deadpanann said...

Only at the Hillbilly Mansion would I expect to read a joke that effed up!

(It can, however, teach us an important lesson about men.)

6:03 AM  
Blogger MrsCoach2U said...

No bug in the eye but I had one in my ear once that had to be removed by one very amused Doctor at the free Indian Clinic, I am positive it's not the weirdest thing they've ever removed from a person over there but it sure gave them the giggles!

9:30 AM  
Blogger Redneck Diva said...

Hey, while a bug is definitely not good, at least it wasn't bird poop. Right?

I love that joke! I've always heard it with a hair lip (No, I don't hear with a hair-lip) so it's kind of a running joke amongst us to just blurt out "Hairlip! Hairlip!" at random. Rude and totally non-PC, yes, but still humorous to us anyway.

9:47 AM  
Blogger Chickadee said...

OMG, that guy who went to his roof to go on strike because the baby was in the bedroom (can't remember where you posted that entry) is going to be on Dr. Phil tomorrow!

I might have to tape that.

3:51 PM  
Blogger Hillbilly Mom said...

The worst part was that I didn't know it was a bug for about 5 minutes. It's like having an alien in you.

I felt like I needed a patch when I was in the car. Nothing made it feel better unless I kept it closed with my hand over it. So I was driving with one hand as well as one eye. My bad eye. But not a wooden eye.

Miss Ann,
Glad you enjoyed the joke. Wait until after you're married. Then you'll know what my mom meant when she told me the day before my wedding: "Honey, they're all alike."

You are more fun than a pinata, what with the hidden goody inside your ear.
At least they didn't whack you like a threatening Redneck Diva until it came out.

I've heard it with the hairlip, too, but I loooves me some hillbilly whittlin'. And a bird has pooped on my leg, but not in my eye. That's why I'm still OH SO PRETTY.

I'll have to ask my Hillbilly Mama to tape Phil for me. Even my 11-year-old electronics genius can't make our DISH vcr record while we're away.

5:21 PM  

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