Friday, April 14, 2006

Six Pencils Over DoNotLand

Welcome! This is the midwest's newest amusement park. Come on
in! Check out our attractions. Cost is $58 per person. Oh, and if
you fill out the forms, you might qualify for the reduced price of $25.
Some of you can ever get free admission.

The SPAZ Rollercoaster
Our newest high-tech coaster, SPAZ stands for Stop, Please,
Attempting ZZZZZs. It is a coaster with a flat shelf for the rider
to lean over and lay his head down, as if taking a nap. It is quite
economical. The coaster itself does not move more that 50 feet.
Just enough to get into the dark hangar, where fans blow on the
riders like wind rushing through their empty heads. A little shaking
side-to-side, and they believe they are actually riding a coaster.
At the end of the ride, a bell rings and the lights come on. Those
who refuse to get off the ride are pelted with chalkboard erasers
until they get up.

A Touch of Gas

This entire building smells like a fart. Exhibits display the foods
most often blamed for flatulence. There is a push-button section
where guests can push a button and guess which food led to
that fart. It is recommended that you purchase a pair of goggles
at the gift shop ($49.95) before heading into this noxious exhibit.

The LOOK OUT! Arcade
From the minute you step into this realistic classroom setting, you
must beware of flying objects. Those just entering sit at replicas
of student desks, arranged in a grid pattern. At the bell signal, all
participants move one row back. Those on the back row are
given a plethora of projectiles to fling at the others. The shooters
may use hollowed out inkpen tubes for shooting wet objects, or
rubber bands for the dry. They may shoot chewed up paper,
bits of eraser, gum, and candy. Dry objects to be flung include
pennies, bits of broken pencil, candy wrappers, and used tissues.

Thirsty for More
This entire feature consists of one long, single-file line that snakes
around the park. When the guest reaches the head of the line,
he receives a sip of tepid water from a too-low drinking fountain.
After bending his head below his waist to get at the spout, the
drinker must slurp around a wad of gum stuck over the spigot.
After approximately 3.3 swallows, the water stops, and the
guest must move on. While waiting in line, guests must defend
themselves from other guests who try to goose, poke, de-pants,
kneebend, bra-strap-snap, tickle, hug, choke, funny-bone, frog,
or headbutt them. NO cuts allowed in the line, or the guest and
cutter must go to the end of the line.

Teachers' Workroom
This house of horrors is filled with smoke so thick that nothing is
as it seems. The object is to run into the room, put exact change
into a junk food machine or soda machine, and return alive with
the booty. Loud, cackling laughter is piped at max volume out
of the sound system. Guests must have a good excuse ready in
case one of the staff questions his presence in the workroom.
Guests must also dodge bullets being fired from an AK47. Live
ammunition is used. Bulletproof vests in yellow and robin's egg
blue are available at the Gift Shop for $1000 each.

Can-I-Borrow Treehouse
Guests walk through the out-of-kilter treehouse and try to smuggle
out as many items as possible. To receive an item, the guest must
present the staff with a good reason, beginning with the words "Can
I borrow a ...." Items for "loan" include pencils, pens, paper, tissues,
lead, erasers, books, quarters, dollars, markers, crayons, paper
clips, highlighters, hole-punchers, staplers, rubber bands, folders,
report holders, cups, plates, napkins, paper towels, flamingo hats,
rolling chairs, rulers, calculators, tape, scrap paper, index cards,
door stops, and teachers' souls.

Space Mountain/Omnilacks Theater

No. Not that Space Mountain. Guests are seated in rows of chairs
that are highly uncomfortable. They face forward, staring into space.
There is a giant screen with nothing on it. This does not matter, as
the guests are not paying attention anyway. Each guest sits to his
own inner drummer, daydreaming his life away.

FACILITIES

Restrooms.

There are no doors on the stalls. Toilet paper is one-ply. IF there
is any left on the roll. Toilets can not be flushed. There is a time
limit of 4 minutes per guest in the restroom. Nobody is admitted
without a written pass from the staff, showing the time entering the
restroom. Only cold water is provided, no soap. There are no paper
towels. One blower is mounted on the wall in each restroom, but it
works intermittently.

Restaurants
All restaurants are self-serve, from machines. There are 36 flavors
of soda, plus one diet soda, and one water. Foods include potato
chips, nacho chips, onion chips, corn chips, and Little Debbie cakes.
Clearing your own table is recommended, but rarely enforced. Be
careful if you leave items unattended to go get something else, since
many unsavory items can be inserted in your soda and food while
you are away from the table. Flinging food and soda about the
restaurant is discouraged, but sometimes can not be prevented.
See-through ponchos are on sale at the Gift Shop for $99.95.

We look forward to seeing you this season at Six Pencils Over
DoNotLand. Hours of operation are 8:15 a.m. to 2:56 p.m.,
Monday thru Friday.

6 Comments:

Blogger Redneck Diva said...

I just went online and bought a season pass!! It sounds like more fun that Poopy Diaper World and Slobber Park, USA, which I have lifetime passes to.

(I know I ended that sentence with a preposition, but dangit it's a three-day weekend and I'm giddy with the excitement.)

4:10 PM  
Blogger jules said...

I wanna work there....sign me up for the AK40 job.

5:12 PM  
Blogger Chickadee said...

Ohhh man...I don't know how you teachers brave the fronts every day. Between the fart smells, flying wetwads and questionable toilets, I would run the other way. LOL.

http://www.danno.org/blogs

9:01 PM  
Blogger Hillbilly Mom said...

Diva,
Man, you must be RICH. Season pass, indeed! I'm assuming Slobber Park is your water park, with a giant slide and a wave pool. Cause I think if Poopy Diaper World was your water park, there would be too many UFOs in the pool.

Jules,
We will build the tower for you, but you have to bring your own gun.

Chick,
Run? Have you ever seen a teacher run? That only happens on the way to the car on payday.

9:55 PM  
Blogger MrsCoach2U said...

Hmmmm....I was sitting here thinking of something to say to pity you but I think back at all Mr. Coachs' stories and he's usually the one borrowing things, flinging things and sleeping in class so all I can say is "do you need a mascot, he's available!"

10:29 AM  
Blogger Hillbilly Mom said...

Mrs.,
So kind of you to offer his services. I'm afraid Jules might try to wing him with the AK47, and then my insurance wouldn't cover him. Then I'd lose the whole amusement park, and I'd have to go back to teaching, which is the same thing, really, but without the hefty entrance fee. But thanks for trying to secure gainful employment for him. I used to coach. I know the money doesn't nearly make up for all the hours spent working.

2:32 PM  

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