Wednesday, April 12, 2006

DamagedDorsal Hill and Wreck

Movie review time at the Mansion! Grab some popcorn, a Sonic
Cherry Diet Coke, some SnoCaps, and start kicking the seat in
front of you. Oh, and that will be $18. Lucky for you you're in the
midwest, and this is a rush hour show.

My first movie is Brokeback Mountain. I watched the Oscars.
(No trademark thingy for me! Everything is up for grabs at the
Mansion!) I read Entertainment Weekly. People have been
moaning that BBM was robbed of the Oscar by Crash. That
will be my other review. Having not seen either movie at the
time of the Academy Awards, I did not know what to make of
this Oscar-stealing talk. Except that I made pretty darn sure I
had an alibi.

This past weekend, I watched BBM on DVD. The scenery
was breathtaking. By that, I mean real purty, not like the
"breathtaking" remark of that Seinfeld doctor in the Hamptons
when he referred to the ugly baby and Elaine. Let me just say
that I was not terribly impressed with the movie.

I kept waiting for something to happen. After all the talk of it
being cutting-edge in its subject matter, I guess I was expecting
some kind of pr0n. I was sorely disappointed. I was not buyin'
it. Oh, I could believe that cowboys yada yada yada-ed the
summer away on the range. But there were some things I didn't
understand. If you haven't seen it, this won't make much sense
to you. If you don't want it spoiled for your viewing, LOOK

Things that confused me: at the beginning, I couldn't figure out why
Heath kept clutching his sack lunch, and why he wouldn't look at
Jake while they were waiting to ask for a job. I suppose that sack
was meant to be his extra shirt, what with the end and all. I don't
get the not looking at each other. Still.

Why did Heath start a fight with Jake when they packed up to
go back down the mountain. Sure, he wanted to stay another
month to get his fill of the man-lovin', but why take it out on
his butt-buddy? Was he ashamed, and this is how he resolved
the issue? Like, 'I ain't no queer, he made me do this, and by
golly I'm gonna slug him one.' Or was it his only way of showing
his emotions? Or did he want to let Jake know not to tell anybody
about the love that dare not speak its name? I didn't understand
what that little fight was all about.

Next issue: if Heath was so paranoid about somebody finding out,
why did he run out and grab Jake's face and kiss him right out in
front of his apartment? Sure, they went back on the steps...but
anybody could have walked out. Even his butt-ugly wife saw him.
I don't think he would have done that out in the open. Even after
5 years of not seeing his secret lovahhhh.

Another issue: all you guys who have a wrestling/shirt-slapping
psuedo-fight without your shirts on while you are in sheep-herding
camp...that is a sign that you're gay, so make sure nobody is
watching you through binoculars, cause he won't hire you again
next year.

And another: don't you think somebody who goes so far as to
plan a fishing get-a-way every year would at least think to bring
home some fish? Not our Heath. He kind of reminded me of
Jude Law in Cold Mountain, in that he carried that quiet guy
thing a bit too far, and seemed to me a bit mentally retarded.

Yet another: I am so sure he would have gone to that creepy
house to ask Jake's creepy dad for the ashes, like he had some
right to them.

So in conclusion, I am not thinking this movie got robbed of the
Best Picture Oscar. Nothing much happened. I don't see how
it was groundbreaking. Other movies have had two men kissing.
Like Harry Hamlin and Michael Ontkean way back in the early
1980s in Making Love. And that was kind of false advertising,
too, because there was not any actual making of love in that movie.

I was not impressed by BBM, because nothing much happened.
WooHoo! The climax was two shirts on the same hanger. Stop my
racing heart! Isn't that groundbreaking! Not buying it, folks.
Highly overrated.

Next up, Crash. OK, so I only saw about the first hour of it for
free on Showtime. It had much more going for it than BBM. First
of all, it had all the stereotypes I hear from my students every day.
And, I really, really, like Matt Dillon. It must be a teenage thing.
Ever since Little Foxes and The Outsiders, I've enjoyed me some
Mr. Dillon. Not his brother, Kevin. He has a pig-nose. Nope,
Matt's my man. And let's not forget his First Degree of Kevin
Bacon movie, Wild Things. Even though Mr. Bacon himself was
swingin' home the bacon at the end of that show.

Enough with the digression lesson. Crash was much more intriguing
that BBM. So much so that I might try to find it again on Showtime
and watch the second half. Even though the one thing I am not
really likin' about it is Thandie Newton. I can not forgive her for
breaking up Carter and Abby on ER. Fie on you, Ms. Newton.
No matter what movie you're in, or how great you are, I will not
put up with your Carter-stealin' ways. Even though I don't really
like Carter, and he had ZERO chemistry with Abby...but still, YOU
broke them up, and for that you must pay the price. The petty wrath
of Hillbilly Mom.

And while I'm getting worked up over things that upset me, let me
pick a bone with my teaching buddy, Mabel. Mabel sold me some
Walnut Chocolate Chip cookie dough for $7. I don't bake cookies
with it, mind you, but eat it raw. My #1 son likes it too. We are
keeping it from my Hillbilly Husband because, well, what he doesn't
know won't hurt him, and from #2 son because it's probably not
good for a child of his tender age to be consuming raw cookie
dough, even though it's pasteurized. The problem is that Mabel
said she had two boxes of it left, and I said I'd probably take
another one. AND SHE SOLD IT! Right out from under me, she
sold it to another teacher! For shame, Mabel! Don't you know
that now I am hooked. I must have my daily allotment of dough.
Without it, I will wither away and die. Granted, it will take 2.4
billion years, but still...I NEED IT!

I have to go now. The cookie dough is calling to me from the freezer
"It's cold in here, Hillbilly Mom! Take a couple of us out and warm
us in your mouth!" OK. The dough has spoken.


Blogger The Unrepentant Gallivanter said...

Thank you for the BBM review. Now I don't have to watch it. I recommend seeing the rest of Crash. It is a really good movie. I'm glad it put the smackdown on BBM!

8:09 PM  
Blogger LanternLight said...

I ain't seen BBM, and I ain't likely too either.

The fact that it was about a couple of gay cowboys eating pudding, didn't worry me at all.

The thing that pissed me off was that they carried on a fling for 20 years behind their wives backs.

10:06 PM  
Blogger Hillbilly Mom said...

Un Gal,
I might have to spring for the 2-disc director's cut DVD. It seems like a movie I'd watch more than once.

I somehow expected more. More of what I'm not sure. Not just pr0n. More of something TO HAPPEN. It meandered and never really got anywhere. I don't understand all the hooplah.

10:26 PM  
Blogger Raehan said...

I did not see BBM, but do want to.

I DID see crash and wasn't thrilled with it.

The two movies I liked better weren't nominated: Pride and Prejudice and Cinderella Man.

I love movie talk.

1:02 AM  
Blogger Kieran said...

Crash is brilliant. There's some good stuff in store for you in the remainder of the film too. That's right, I call them films.

I can't decide whether Matt Dillon is a gret actor or a cumbersome buffoon, in the same bent as Keanu Reeves. Did you see the way Dillon clappped at the Oscars? It was special. But I like him, because my girlfriend will devour me if I don't.

5:37 AM  
Blogger Mr Bates said...

Not having seen BBM, I can only guess, but I would say that Crash is indeed the more rocking of the 2 flicks. And I myself am a Matt Dillon fan (although I am NOT neat or clean or thin) since I saw him in Over The Edge just after graduating HS. We just liked him because he got killed in everything! But Crash was also the last movie I saw in the theatre. I watched it the other night on ST and I am glad I saw it in the theatre. My other postulation is that the big rack of BBM DVDs at the WalMart in Brandon, Mississippi will probably remain as full as it is at the moment. (But I'll some curious viewers are using NetFlix. They just don't want to endure the stares in the check-out.)

7:56 AM  
Blogger MrsCoach2U said...

Wasn't planning to watch BBM and now thankfully I don't have to. You are trully a good leader of an imaginary nation! Maybe our real leader could just stick to movie reviews!!!!! I digress......cookie dough (gasp*$&*(&#@nasty) I just can't do it, I cannot put raw dough in my mouth, or homemade ice cream or raw noodles, if it's meant to be cooked it has to be cooked. But the rest of my family eats it like the ovens broke!

8:23 AM  
Blogger Rebecca said...

Hi Hillbilly Mom,
I agree with you concerning BBM. Everytime it looked like dealing with the "unspoken subject", it cut to a few years later, and NOTHING HAPPENED.
While I haven't seen Crash, I know it wold have got my vote over BBM for that Trademarked Award.

7:21 PM  
Blogger LanternLight said...

You are trully a good leader of an imaginary nation!

Truely modest too!:

"The home of Hillbilly Mom, the greatest thing since sliced bread...and lower in carbs."


8:19 PM  
Blogger Hillbilly Mom said...

BBM is worth seeing, just for the scenery. And I don't mean Heath and Jake, though Jake is kind of cute, but that Heath does not appeal to me at all. I mean the landscape is nice, and the childhood home of Jake at the end is freaky in its starkness. Just don't expect any plot. Or anything much to happen.

I will be seeing the end of Crash. I think Matt Dillon always plays the same character, no matter what the movie.

I guess you're safe from the stigma of being neat and clean and thin. It is safe for you to watch BBM. Perhaps you and your brother could rent it, and invite the neighbors. Maybe you could wear a puffy shirt as well.

I will try to keep our nation of Hillmomba on the straight and narrow. And I won't leak any secrets. Too bad you have cookie-dough-phobia. Which means MORE FOR MEEEEEE!

That should have been the title: Nothing Happens.

Any way you slice me, I'll give you your money's worth.

9:49 PM  
Blogger Redneck Diva said...

Supposedly lurking somewhere on my blog is a photo of Jake and Heath kissing. My stats told me so.

5:13 PM  
Blogger Hillbilly Mom said...

I do recall that OH SO EMPTY promise from your stats. You must have a super-secret blog somewhere with forbidden items.

5:40 PM  

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