Monday, April 10, 2006

Hacking Headless Chickens and Their Livers

OK, so maybe I should have used punctuation. It is more striking
without it, don't you think? It's all about the sensational headlines,
people. Would you really want to read about Hacking, Headless
Chickens, and Their Livers? Well...there's no accounting for some
people's tastes.

I was minding my own business this morning, and by that I mean
I was digging frantically around in my teacher tote bag for some
requisition forms that I had carefully put where I could find them,
and one of my trusty DoNots alerted me to some funny business
concerning my computer.

"Mrs. Hillbilly Mom! Your computer is going wild." I quickly
looked up to see if my computer was lifting her wallpaper, flashing
us a little sumpin' sumpin'. Nope. But I'd lost the generic Windows
XP wallpaper that looks like a green green Teletubbies field, and
had gone to basic blue. And there were fewer icons, too. Dum
de de dum! As we watched, the start menu opened. Then it went
to My Computer. You hear that people? My computer went to
My Computer with nobody touching it. I watched (from a safe
distance) to see what this unruly machine would do next. It was
dropping down menus all over the place.

Then I figured out that somebody was installing the gradebooks
program I had requested after my other computer crashed. One
little DoNot, who fancies himself a computing guru, said:

Don't you know what's happening?
Yeah. Somebody is remote-accessing my computer and installing
gradebooks. My son used to remote access people's computers
all the time to try and fix their problems. Way back when he was
9, and that kind of thing interested him.
Umm...Don't you know what that is?
Yeah. I saw him do it.
Uhh...that is hacking.
I don't think so. He called them and told them to turn on their
computers and do something that allowed him remote access.
It's still hacking.
Well, they asked him to do it. And I asked for gradebooks.
OK. If that's what you think.
It's what I know.

During bus duty, another DoNot tried to impress me with his
vast store of scientific knowledge.

Do you how long a chicken stays alive after you cut its head off?
I don't know. A couple hours?
No. The longest one was 4 years.
I don't think so. How did it eat?
Ensure. The guy poured Ensure down the chicken's neck.
No way.
Yeah. It's true.

My boys got off the bus. I told #1 the story on the way to the car.

He's wrong, Mom.
The record for a chicken to survive without a head was 2 years
4 months. It's in the Guiness Book of World Records.

Apparently, I stand corrected.

At the teachers' lunch table today, my four male dining companions
discussed the best bait for various types of fish.

I like Catalpa worms. They are the best for catching bass. It's all
I use. They used to get all over my grandpa's trees. You could
climb up and shake the tree and get about a thousand. We caught
them on a tarp, and froze them. I still have some in my freezer.
Wheaties and grape jelly are good.
I like to use corn for carp.
Chicken livers are good for catfish.
I'd rather use chicken hearts. They stay on the hook better.
I know it sounds stupid, but did you ever use Special Kitty
catfood for catfish?
Oh yeah! The kind that's like a little ring? You put one on each
point of the treble.
I've always had good luck with regular stinkbait. One time, just
after I got married, I didn't know it, but some of it had gotten up
under the car seat. That car stunk SO BAD! I didn't know what
it was for a long time. It got worse and worse.
We did that at Wal*Mart. Another guy and I put some down in
the paint mixer machine. People would walk back through the
Hardware department with their shirts up over their noses, gagging.
We knew what it was, though. Man, did that stink!

Yes, people. That was my lunchtime conversation. And to think
these are the guys who did not appreciate a good Free-Hot-Tub-
and-Hairwad story!


Blogger Rebecca said...

Hi Hillbilly Mom,
They are all wrong. Fetta cheese, sprayed with WD40 is the best bait to use.

9:19 PM  
Blogger Rachy said...

The longest a headless chicken stayed alive after the chop was 18 months, according to the Guinness book of records

1:26 AM  
Blogger Rachy said...

I need to put my glasses on, I just saw that you corrected yourself *slinks away into dunce corner*

1:28 AM  
Blogger LanternLight said...

I like Catalpa worms. They are the best for catching bass. It's all
I use.

I find the old trusty rapidly expanding bait the best & fastest thing to use.

Strangely enough, it's hard to get hold of these days...

5:29 AM  
Blogger shpprgrl said...

i've always thought that thing looked like teletubbie land too. hope the lunch conversation gets better!

9:04 AM  
Blogger Redneck Diva said...

I personally find that waving a $20 in front of the cashier at Long John Silver's is the best way to catch fish.

10:36 AM  
Blogger Hillbilly Mom said...

That WD40! I hear it cures arthritis, too! It's as versatile as Avon Skin So Soft lotion!

I stand corrected once again. All this standing is making me tired. It seems my son was also wrong about the '2 years 4 months' answer. Kids these days! Do they think nobody will ever check their facts?

Come out of the dunce corner. That hat is not flattering.

Is this a riddle? I know not of the bait of which you speak. Look out for the Travelocity gnome. He might try to start something with you. He is just an accident waiting to happen.

Glad to know I'm not the ONLY one who thinks so. That must mean I'm NOT crazy. Any lunch where my 5 guys don't discuss sports it a good lunch.

You have SCHOOLED us all!

8:17 PM  
Blogger LanternLight said...

"Rapidly expanding bait" is also known as explosive (ie. dynamite, gelignite etc.) in some quarters :-)

I'll hit him with my lantern if he gets too close.

6:53 AM  
Blogger MrsCoach2U said...

Nati got a pole for her birthday this month at Bass Pro, it has an autograph from some Pro that I can't remember and he even drew her a girly bass with a big pink bow on it and sealed it for her. That may be the best way to catch bass.....wrap a Pro bass fisherman around your finger and let him do the work for you!!!!

8:07 AM  
Blogger Hillbilly Mom said...

NOW I get it. I've heard of people fishing like that, but I've never tried it. Perhaps because it is OH SO ILLEGAL. That Travelocity fellow needs a good lantern-whacking. My son loves it when he says, "Am I going to diiiie?"

That would be a clever way to snag fish. Then your hands won't smell like smashed worms.

10:21 PM  

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