Sunday, April 09, 2006

Dolly Sings My Life

Here's a little something I picked up from Mr. Huggies. NO! Stop
that! It's nothing bad! It's a festive musical number that goes a little
something like this...

Answer the questions with a phrase or song title from a
particular
artist. I have chosen my hillbilly idol, the esteemed
Ms. Dolly Parton.


Are you male or female? Just Because I'm a Woman (on The
Essential Dolly Parton)

Describe yourself: "I'm far from perfect but I ain't all bad..."(from
Shattered Image, on Halos & Horns)

How do some people feel about you? "I know everybody's secrets,
but I keep 'em to myself." (from These Old Bones, on Halos &
Horns)

How do you feel about yourself? "...I just never belonged..."
(with Linda Ronstadt and Emmylou Harris, from Wildflowers,
on Trio)

Describe your ex boyfriend/girlfriend: "What a heartache you
turned out to be..."(from What a Heartache, on Halos & Horns)

Describe your current significant other: "Oh, the pain of loving
you..." (with Linda Rondstadt & Emmylou Harris, from The Pain
of Loving You, on Trio)

Describe where you want to be: "...walkin' through fields where
we walked, long ago in the sweet used-to-be." (with Linda
Rondstadt and Emmylou Harris, from Do I Ever Cross Your
Mind, on Trio II)

Describe how you live: "I thought I was swingin' the world by the
tail...I thought I would never be blue... I thought I'd stay single and
always be free...but that was before I met you." (from Before I
Met You, on 20 Greatest Hits: Porter Wagoner & Dolly Parton)

Describe how you love: "It's all I can do to keep from fallin' in love
with you..." (from All I Can Do, on The Essential Dolly Parton)

What would you ask for if you had just one wish? Please Don't
Stop Loving Me (with Porter Wagoner, on Ultimate Dolly Parton).

Share a few words of wisdom: "Just because it seems right does not
make it so, so we struggle through life with horns and halos." (from
Halos and Horns)

Now say goodbye: I'll Never Say Goodbye (from Hungry Again)

OK, go ahead and make fun of me. But my pal Dolly is laughing
all the way to the bank, where she spends her days counting her
hundreds of millions of dollars. Whitney Houston alone made her
$17 million for "I Will Always Love You." You see, Dolly is not
just the singer, she is also the songwriter. The only song in my list
that she didn't write was "Before I Met You." She has written
thousands of songs. She has owned several publishing companies.
She even gave a publishing company and song rights to her old
partner, Porter Wagoner. OK, maybe that's not such a good
example, because she was ordered to do it as part of a legal
settlement they can't talk about, but a little sparrow (that's a song
title) told me it was in the neighborhood of $3 million dollars.

In fact, even when they were a-feudin' during the time Dolly left to
go solo, she bought a bunch of Porter's songs for $1 million so he
could settle with the IRS over back taxes. And when he asked to
buy them back years later, she sold them to him. The price?
Nothing.
She gave them all back. A million dollars worth of
songs! She is a class act. Stop making fun of my Dolly! She is more
than just her um...bizarre, somewhat freaky, surgically-altered good
looks. She has an IQ in the 140s, people! Bow to the genius of
Dolly Parton! And go buy the just-released "Sexist Egotistical
Lying Hypocritical Bigot Edition" of 9 to 5, the movie. It's the
25-year anniversary edition. It has a commentary from Dolly, Jane,
and Lily. It's funnier than a hog on ice. Though I've never seen one,
but I think it would be pretty funny.

If only (that's also the title of one of her songs), I could make it
on Jeopardy, and a category, or the Daily Double, or the Final
Jeopardy question was Songs By Dolly Parton! I would run
through that category like freshmen through the lunch line! I'd
smugly give the answers, and rake in the moolah! I'd wager it
all in Final Jeopardy! I'd be rich, I tell you!

But not as rich as Dolly Parton.

6 Comments:

Blogger LanternLight said...

Answer the questions with a phrase or song title from a particular artist. I have chosen my hillbilly idol, the esteemed Ms. Dolly Parton.

Gee, that's a stretch :-)

I'd be surprised if there isn't a subject country or western music has sung about.

But you left out the obligatory "my dog died" C&W reference.

Actually, like Mabel and her Galileo thermometer gift, Dolly Parton rocks! One of the few celebrities I'd like to meet.

8:13 PM  
Blogger Redneck Diva said...

Wow, that looks hard!! You know me, I love a good opportunity to copy stuff off of your blog, but I think I'm going to have to pass on this one. It's 9:44pm, I'm drunk on cold medicine and well, dangit it would require me to think. I'm just not sure I'm up to it. But snaps to you because you did it well!

(Btw, have you checked my blog stats today? WHERE do these people come from??? It scares me, quite frankly.)

9:47 PM  
Blogger Hillbilly Mom said...

Lantern,
There's a song by David Allen Coe called "You Don't Have to Call Me Darlin', Darlin'." It starts out:
"I was drunk the day my ma got out of prison. And I went to pick her up in the rain. But by the time I could get to the station in my pickup truck, she got runned over by the d*mned ol' train."
He calls it the perfect country western song.

You get bonus points for appreciating my Dolly. And my Mabel. YOU rock!


Diva,
Oh...I checked you stats all right! Which one offended you, honey? The 'wrinkly ol' butts'? The 'wipin' butts'? The 'dead mouse odor'? The 'f*cking mama big a$$es fanny'? SOMEBODY likes butts. And maybe deceased rodent aroma. Now if you're talkin' bout the 'distressed women being bound, gagged, and f*cked on DVD', well that must be Fitty lookin' to fill up some 55-gallon barrels. Don't worry about him. We're all watching you on TV. We'll catch him if he harms one hair in you red pirate do-rag!

7:05 PM  
Blogger Rachy said...

I think Dolly Parton is an absolute legend, as well as a brilliant businesswoman. Some people might think she is a strange person because of her appearance, but she has an amazingly pitched voice and her image is selling a product. She knows she is a semi caricature and profits from that. So really, who has the last laugh?

1:30 AM  
Blogger Stacie said...

I don't even like country music, but I love Dolly. Two of my favorite quotes from her are "It takes a lot of money to look this trashy" and her comment on Janet Jackson baring her boob at the super bowl "If I would have done that, I would have knocked over the first two rows of people".
That's class, if you ask me.

6:28 AM  
Blogger Hillbilly Mom said...

Rachy,
Bonus for you, too! Thank you for seeing the true worth of my Dolly!

Stacie,
Yep. Our Dolly's a classy broad! On the outtakes of the just-released 25th anniversary edition of 9 to 5, she tells Jane Fonda a joke: "Do you know what's green and smells like Miss Piggy? Kermit's finger."

Bonus for you as well, Stacie.

8:01 PM  

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