Saturday, April 15, 2006

Saturday Search Party, April 15 Edition

Saturday again, and time for another Hillbilly Dinner Party. Oh, we
can only have what my guests were searching for when they visited
me, so the menu changes every week. Some were disappointed,
and turned away immediately. They were only here for 5 seconds
or less. Go figure!

On the menu this week, we have hillbilly caviar black eyed peas dip,
hillbilly bread, and jesus on a pancake. HEY! It's Easter, people.
That explains the fancy spread. Don't expect it every week, now.

I made up a nice gift bag for the guests this week. (I just typed
'gift gag'. Do you think that's a Freudian slip?) The swag includes
a grandpa hillbilly wind up toy on ebay, an ear wax strong lamp,
a when hillbillies go mad stick figure, some kitten eyeballs, and a
toothless hillbilly photo. Who could turn down a party with those
fine gifts?

After dinner, we had a little hillbilly toilet funny when one of the
guests tried to smoke the pvc y joint. Silly hippy! Not all joints
are for smoking!

I had to admonish another guest to control his girlfriend with a
beard. That girl was hittin' on me all night. Not that there's anything
wrong with that. Hillbilly Mom IS irresistible, you know. The guy
apologized. He said he HAD to bring her to my party, because
the last thing she said she wanted to do that evening was to let her
mom watch dad & boyfriend having sex. He wanted no part of
that scenario.

To pass the time after dinner, we sat around listening to each other
coughing up hard chunks, old mansion sounds, and that silly hippy
saying red at night, shepherd's delight about eleventy-million times.
All I can say is I'm glad we sent the sheep over to Dolly Parton's
mansion for the night.

We had an interesting discussion of some of the mysteries of the
universe, such as:

fentanyl patch bad taste in mouth (Duh! It's a patch, you idiots.
You're not supposed to chew it, for the love of Gummi Mary!)

e. coli scenarios and 5th grade (Ahh...good times.)

can I put a hot tub in the garage? (Not at MY mansion!)

puppy chow tender vittles pedophilia ( I had to put in my two cents
worth that I think if a puppy is involved, it is not called pedophelia,
but rather, bestiality.)

how to use catfood for bait (Make sure you open the can first.)

babysitter poisons missouri (Man, that's a lot of poison!)

The party broke up abruptly when the bearded girlfriend whacked
the hippy over the head with her grandpa hillbilly wind-up toy, and
he retaliated by throwing his kitten eyeballs at her. I hope I can find
some more docile guests next week.


Blogger Redneck Diva said...

Man, to have been at your place for Easter! Instead we just had lunch at Mom's where Mr. Diva and I got in a huge fight and I yelled "F*** YOU!" at him in front of my mother.

She was not pleased.

Neither was I. But then again, if I had been pleased then I wouldn't have had to yell FYou at my husband, right?

Good times. If only I'd had a hillbilly wind-up toy to bean him with.

8:44 AM  
Blogger Hillbilly Mom said...

It's all about the gift-bag, baby!

HH and I had our fight BEFORE we got to dinner. Then the minute we sat down with our plates of delicious high-calorie foods, HH proceeded to hijack the conversation to make it ALL ABOUT HIM! Oh, the horror! He droned on about his new diet that the doctor put him on, and how he's lost 15 pounds (he really has) and how he eats a can of chicken or tuna for lunch, yada yada yada. So I informed them of his supper the night before, which was two beers and a giant sugar cookie he took from #2 son. That'll learn 'im to take the spotlight away from Hillbilly Mom.

2:38 PM  

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