Tuesday, November 22, 2005

Welcome Back, Squatter

No! Are you kidding? I hate squatters! No welcome for youuuu!
I hear you all asking, "What do you mean, Hillbilly Mom? Are
people moving into your homestead and claiming it as their own?"
No, silly people! This is not the last frontier! There are many
different varieties of squatters. And I dislike them all.

There are the kid squatters, who come in two flavors: the home
version and the school version. The home version insists on
squatting on his kitchen stool to eat his vittles. The kitchen stools
are at a cutting block in the center of the kitchen. When occupied
by a squatter, these stools leave little room between the protruding
kid-butt and the sink, refridgerator, and stove. The dishwasher,
cook, grocery-putter-awayer must navigate carefully so as not
to dislodge the squatter from the stool.

The school version does not grasp the purpose of that new-fangled
invention: the chair. If you listen closely, you can hear the gears
turning in the mind. "Look, a raised platform on which to squat!
What will they think of next?" Never mind that each day the student
is instructed to sit and not squat. Never mind that if one day the
teacher commanded all students to squat, no sitting allowed, there
would be a mutiny and a petition for firing. "What? Are you crazy?
I can't squat! It is bad for my knees. I am only allowed to sit."

Another squatter invades the property of those who don't know
about it. Hey, did you spend a fortune on some land for your
vacations or future retirement? Fool! Don't you know that people
are using it while you're not there? They explore, they hunt, they
camp, they ride 4-wheelers, they pick your blackberries, they
ride horses, they let their dogs take a dump. Fool! And to think
you PAID for some land, when you could just be "borrowing"
someone else's.

The classroom squatter sometimes has a legitimate reason to squat.
Sometimes classrooms must be shared. Leave it like you found it,
and if you're lucky, you'll get a drawer and a shelf to call your own.
The black sheep of the classroom squatters is the one who only
needs the classroom for an hour, or a meeting, or to use something
that belongs to you. Shame, shame, filthy squatter! Pick up your
candy wrappers, wipe the ink off the desks, replace the candy
you took from the candy jar, drop that pen, erase the board, and
never, ever, lie that "my kids couldn't have done it, it must have
been yours."

The meeting-seating squatter is that lowly critter who waits until
the last minute to show up for the meeting, goes to the choice
seating area (usually near the back), and moves someone's stuff.
When he returns, the squatter innocently throws up his hands:
"Was this your place? Who knew?" And stays put.

The worst squatter is the women's restroom squatter. Hey! Who
told you your a$$ is so pristine that you can't set it on the toilet?
They have those protector thingies, you know! Squatting while
you pee all over the seat is not a very neighborly thing to do.
Get over yourself already! If nobody acted like you, the seats
wouldn't be so nasty. Snap out of it!

This now concludes your lesson on squatters. You may return to
your regularly-scheduled blog-reading.

5 Comments:

Blogger Rebecca said...

Hi Hillbilly Mom,
Oh this brings back memories. I remember the days when I could squat. But three knee reconstructions, and much arthritis in my ankles knees and hips later, it is all but a fond memory.
HooRoo
Rebecca

5:33 PM  
Blogger MamaKBear said...

LMAO! Who knew there were so many kinds of squatters??

7:13 PM  
Blogger MrsCoach2U said...

Very good lesson. I feel smarter already. If you are a former squatter but have stopped are you a "Squitter"??

8:42 AM  
Blogger jules said...

You have so much to teach, I have so much to learn. May I squat at your feet oh master?????

10:42 AM  
Blogger Hillbilly Mom said...

Bec,
It's like riding a bicycle. You'll never forget how.

MamaKB,
That's right. Who knew?

Mrs.,
Yes. You will be good at interpreting the language of Hillmomba.

Jules,
You may squat all you like. As far as the learnin'...that's debatable.

11:28 AM  

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