Thursday, December 08, 2005

Someone Has Stolen the Baby Jesus

Tuesday night, I watched the St. Louis local news. I don't know
how the anchors kept a straight face for this story, because I was
laughing out loud at their seriousness. It went a little something
like this:

Woman news anchor: "Someone has stolen the Baby Jesus in
Belleville. According to the mayor, Baby Jesus can't be replaced.
The town can not afford to buy a new Baby Jesus right now. The
Baby Jesus is valued at $750. The mayor does not know if a Baby
Jesus can be found that will match the Nativity Scene, which cost
about $5000."

Woman mayor: "I don't even know if we could get a Baby Jesus.
He would have to be custom made. We can't afford that, and
there isn't enough time to left to get a new Baby Jesus. We will
have to do without a Baby Jesus this year."

Live shot of the Nativity in Belleville. Close-up of the empty
manger. Man reporter, standing in front of the Nativity: "About
7 years ago, a man took the Baby Jesus from this Nativity Scene.
He carried Baby Jesus from bar to bar here in the neighborhood,
for a round of drinks. He returned the Baby Jesus. The people of
Belleville would like to have their Baby Jesus back. They have not
made a police report that the Baby Jesus is missing. No questions
will be asked."

Woman news anchor: "The city is using a doll wrapped in a
blanket until the Baby Jesus is found."

I am not a religious person. It is a statue, people!!! Not the real
Baby Jesus! So when you talk about it, just say the 'statue' or the
'figure'. You don't have to keep referring to it as the Baby Jesus!

$750? How can you put a price tag on the Messiah? And that guy
taking it around to the bars for drinks? What did he do, tell them,
"Say hello to my little friend"? Did that statue guarantee him free
drinks for the night? What is wrong with using a doll wrapped in
a blanket for the Baby Jesus? It is a symbol! Who decreed that
the Baby Jesus must match the rest of the figures?

I do hope the people Belleville get their Baby Jesus back.



I got up at 4:30 this morning, looking for the snow that the (ahem)
meteorologists promised us last night. Yep. Starting around 4 a.m.,
they said. My yard was dry as a bone, as the Sahara, as an old
crony's sense of humor. No snow. I fixed the lunches. I laid out
the clothes. I took a shower. I sat down for a few minutes of TV
before my morning nap. (That is my usual routine, so my Hillbilly
Husband can get his shower in time to leave for work at 6:00.)

The weather guys said that snow was here, it just wasn't working
down through the atmosphere yet. It would definitely be starting
within the next hour. I tried to take my little nap, but HH's snooze
alarm went off twice, then he was thumping around, then he had
to tell me "Bye." So I missed my morning nap. By now it was
6:00 a.m. No snow.

I woke the boys at 6:20, got them some breakfast (yeah, right!)
of dry cereal and a Ding Dong, and nagged them until they were
dressed & combed & toothbrushed. We took off for school.
No snow.

About a mile from the elementary, #1 say A SNOWFLAKE.
WooHoo! He was excited. I walked them in. It was barely
snowing. I drove to the HS. It was snowing a bit more. I laid
out the snow scraper. I straightened the chairs, turned on the
computer, changed the date on the board, wrote out an absentee
slip, and went to check for mail. When I got back to the room,
SNOW! It snowed harder. It was now 7:45 HS time, 7:30 at
the other buildings. No, it's not a time warp--we are different
for the bus schedule.

Of course the kids were all wound up. We started at 8:15. By
8:45, there was an announcement that students who drove to
school could leave, and to be careful, the roads were slippery.
One of my Do-Nots whined that he walks, and that maybe he
should go before it gets to slippery. In my mind, I said, "Shut
up, you sniveling little whiner!" I ignored him. My buddy Mabel
had popped in, and being a kinder, gentler version of teacher,
she told him, "You're right. Let's walk up to the office and ask."
He came back and made a big production. "Well, I'll be seeing
you guys." He picked up his pack. The kids cheered. They
really don't like him. He's the kid who hit me last year. THEN
he said, "Oh...maybe I should stay..." I told him. "Either sit
down and be quiet, or get out of here!" Yeah. I guess I'm still
not over that punching bag thing. Go figure. Hear this, Mabel?
You went out of your way for that kid, and he STAYED. He
just wanted attention, as usual.

By 9:00, three buses had pulled up out front. This was unusual,
because no buses start at HS. They come from the MS and
elementary. By 9:15, there was an announcement that the
students who walk could leave. I asked a driver about the buses,
and he said, "That's because we're the only three who could make
it up the hill. I didn't like the sound of that. By now, a lot of parents
had been picking up kids. Several cars had gone off the road.
Mr. S had been called out to the parking lot to push students who
couldn't get over the speed bump. An announcement was made
that we were not dismissing yet, because the roads were too

I asked to go pick up my boys from elementary. It is just a short
jog through the woods (if I jogged, and if I could get through the
woods on that little trail) or about a mile by road. I was given
permission. The elementary had it together. A teacher stood at
the door with a clipboard to sign kids out. A paraprofessional
had a radio, and signaled the office who needed to be sent down
from the classrooms. The office called them on the intercom.
Well, the plan worked in theory. About 10 of us stood there for
15 minutes. No kids came down. I don't know where the break-
down occurred. Finally, here came my youngest. He saw me and
took off running down the long hall. We waited another 5 minutes.
No #1. I told #2 I was ready to send him to the classroom to get
#1. I had been gone from the HS now for about 30 minutes, and
I was supposed to go back. (We had not been dismissed, but I
had only one student left, and she had called for a ride.) Then one
of the cooks said, "Oh, I know where #1 is. He is outside shoveling."
I looked out the door where we were standing, and there he was,
pushing a shovel, having the time of his life. I quickly put an end
to that. He had to go all the way to the other end of the building
for his backpack. That gave me time to clean off the car.

We went back to the HS. The in-charge-person told me I could
go ahead and go home. That was a bonus. Now the others will
be saying, "How come Hillbilly Mom got to go home?" Anyhoo,
it was treacherous. My large SUV got stuck in 4-wheel LOW.
I had to use LOW going down the hill by school, because last
time this happened, 3 cars slid off there. We drove about 4 miles
before I came to a good place to stop and worry with it some
more. After 5 tries, it went back to 4-HIGH. Piece of junk!
All you do is push a button. We could hear it clunk, but it had
trouble switching back. We had about 4 inches on the road by
the time we got home. Our usual 30-minute trip took an hour.
I hope the other teachers got to leave, and not spend the night
at school.

Are you OK, Mabel? Send me an email, buddy. Because I
knew you'd ride the bus TO school, but since the buses weren't
running home, I hope one of the drivers took you like before.

And now I am really mad, in spite of getting home by 11:00,
because we can't count this day for attendance! It is like we
never even went! Even though we did.


Blogger Rebecca said...

Hi Hillbilly Mom,
It is usally this time of year that a lot of Ronald McDonalds go missing from a certain "food' [cough cough] outlet here in Australia.
As for the guy who took said baby around the bars for a night, isn't there laws against having a minor in a bar?

PS: I haven't been ignoring you, just been without internet access for a little while.

1:45 PM  
Blogger Babs said...

As I was reading your post I was thinking, "Why don't they just use a doll?" Sounds like a good alternative to me, too; especially when you consider the $750 price tag.

The way they reported made it sound like the man was giving Baby Jesus a round of drinks at each bar and returned him all liquored up.

I'm sure by using the phrase Baby Jesus made it sound more like a heinous crime committed by a hardened criminal. Was it a slow news night? Gotta love local news reports.

2:09 PM  
Blogger Redneck Diva said...


"Say hello to my little friend"

That line got me.

Maybe the guy just wanted to help Jesus get to know the local folks, I dunno.

But yeah, I agree with you - what's wrong with using a doll in a blanket? Millions of nativities all over the world have used dolls in blankets. Yeesh

2:12 PM  
Blogger Huggies said...

Are they that poor that they can't afford $750 ..

5:22 PM  
Blogger deadpanann said...

Give the guy a break! His preacher told him to take people to Jesus, and he just decided to take Jesus to the people!

You have GOT to go read the redneck Christmas poem over at Walley's blog.

5:50 PM  
Blogger Chickadee said...

On one of the other stations they said that a Cabbage Patch Kid was playing the role of Jesus.

Good grief.

8:06 PM  
Blogger MamaKBear said...


11:06 PM  
Blogger MrsCoach2U said...

$5000.00 on a nativity scene? Don't they have Kindergarten kids for that for free?

You got more snow than we did. That sucks!

Why does Mabel ride the bus to school? It is an ingenious way to save on gas, must be the math teacher in her.

8:16 AM  
Blogger Mr Bates said...

I look at it this way. After the guy takes the little baby Jesus to the bars, the locals are then thinking later - "hey, that Jesus ain't so bad after all" and they probably end up going to church. Of course, I'm sure there was at least one drunk cat at the end of the bar shouting "what are you looking at, Jesus" and then moving in for a fight!

We (in Mississippi) get snow about every 10 years. When we do, every car slides off the road or pinballs around on the frozen bridge (brake lights full on, mind you) and then slides off the road on the other side. Yet EVERYONE here can maneuver in mud that would swallow most vehicles. I love driving on ice and snow. Cemeteries are especially nice in the snow. Lots of undisturbed drifts!

9:27 AM  
Blogger Hillbilly Mom said...

I guess if the Messiah is the minor, they make allowances.

It must have been a slow news night. No barges got loose, nobody jumped off the bridge into the Mississippi, no tombstones were turned over.

I'm thinking more along the line of "free drinks."

You'd think they could cough up $750, since they spent $5000 for the whole thing.

Miss Ann,
Yeah, he was a regular missionary. Thanks for the tip on the poem. It's been a while since I visited Walley.

I wonder if they were that serious about THE BABY JESUS on the others.

Truth is funnier than fiction.

Mabel rides the bus when there is snow, or a forecast of snow for the day. Her husband works in Illinois, and is not there to rescue her. Like me, Mabel is independently wealthy, and we only work to spread our good will and redneck culture to the masses.

We get the snow several times a year. The big thing here is to rush to the store to buy bread and milk the night before the storm.

12:08 PM  
Blogger Redneck Diva said...

We got half an inch in some places, and in like two spots in my yard, a whole inch. Two schools in the area cancelled classes, but it wasn't our school. I really could've used a snow day yesterday...

2:47 PM  

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