Sunday, May 28, 2006

Big Blogger 2, Task 5A, Letter Home

Our Big Blogger 2 challenge this week has two parts. I am only
doing Task A today, because it is a bit long. Task B will appear
later this week.

Task A: Letter Home.
Big Blogger says...
"Seeing as though you have all been inside the Cyberhouse for a
while now, it is time to write a letter home to your loved ones.
Remember back to your days of school camp,when saying
anything bad about the camp would mean detention, so you had to
be creative in hiding your disdain at the place, the people you were
with, and just at life in general."

Letter Home from Camp Cyberhouse

Dear Mom and Pop,
I am writing to let you know things are fine here at the Cyberhouse.
Big Blogger is taking good care of me. A few people have already
gone home. Big Blogger says they were homesick and missed their
mommies and daddies too much. All I know is, one minute they
were here, and the next minute they were gone. Picture it: one
morning, sitting in the Cyberkitchen, humming a little tune, happily
typing for food, and the next morning...VANISHED! Every day I
check the back of the Scorn Flakes box for their pictures.

The food is OK. We have unlimited amounts of Scorn Flakes and
Cut-Up Cow. We don't have milk here. Big Blogger says that
Cazzie's Cool Cleaner is more nutritious, and we can get it for free.
Who knew? We went and bought a cow, and now we don't get
the milk for free anymore. What's up with that?

The kitchen here is open all day, but we're not supposed to go in
there. Every time I hear a noise and think I can enter, this other
camper, Redneck Diva, squeals and says "OCCUPIED!" She
plays with the Cabana Boy, Carlos, quite a bit. I caught him one
day rubbing the Wesson Oil on her Tinkerbell. I think they had a
very special meal planned that night. I don't have a chance in a
Hellmouth with Carlos. Diva is sooo cool. She has that piratey,
unibooby, free-cheesy thing going on. I'm not nearly so exotic.
Diva has a big FittyMaid container of toys that she won't let
anyone play with except Carlos. I feel kind of left out sometimes,
but she swears we are Redneck sisters, and hums a little Dolly
tune for me, and promises that we'll go to Branson when we
get out. That makes it all better.

I do like this one guy, Lantern. He's real bright. He knows a lot of
technical stuff, and he lets me sit in the recliner with him. One day,
he even agreed when I proclaimed myself to be OH SO PRETTY.
As long as we don't listen to 'that rotten little whore' Olivia Newton
John, Lantern is a lot of fun. He is a gentleman, and only says
'boobie' about 20 times a day. I think he only says it to point out
that Diva just has one, instead of the usual two. You can't put
much over on Lantern. When I leave the house, he has agreed to
escort me, to protect me from that evil Mark. We hear him outside
the Cyberhouse every night, howling "Bwahahahahaha". Some
nights, he even pounds on that pretty yellow door.

The other Cyberhousemates are nice. Cazzie is cool. She's a
cleaner. She likes to hang out in the toilet, but to each her own.
She is agreeable and gets on well with everybody. I think she
knows she could kill us and make it look like an accident, what
with her vast store of medical knowledge. She's definitely one I
want on my side. She made us a Boston Bun, which was neither
from Boston, nor a bun. We discussed it amongst ourselves.

Stewed Hamm is a an outgoing little rascal. He gave up his sweet,
sweet Booberry Cereal while he's in the Cyberhouse, so he's kinda
detoxin' like that Shane on Survivor. He has even built himself a
tropical paradise in the back yard. You say 'Tiki', I say 'tacky'
(if ya know what I mean...;). Hammy's talents are Monkeybars
(feet on the ground) and Abe Vigoda trivia. I do know one thing.
Don't ever, ever, mess with his box of Kleenex.
He freakin' LOOOVES it.

Scottage is one of the dudes I don't know very well. He knows
a lot about the big wide world, so I kinda keep my mouth shut
around him. I don't wanna look ignert. He was on the radio the
other night, but I couldn't tune in. Something about my dial-up.
Scottage is a cool guy. He redesigned our basement rec room,
and brought in Van Halen. He even tried to set me up with David
Lee Roth, but I declined. I am on the lookout, lest Scottage
try to initiate some harmless hazing for the Cyberhousemates.

Rachy hasn't checked in yet. She was waylaid by a bug, and is
fighting it in hospital. That Rachy is a sh*t-disturber, for sure. She
would really stir things up in here. The only thing I can remember
that has stumped her so far is a little cuddly kitten. Yep. That ol'
Niles messed with her keyboard one time, and Rachy couldn't type
for sh*t. It was like reading secret code. I'm looking forward to her
release, but not to her competition. Cause I'm a lazy kind of gal.
Rachy would give Scottage some good debates. She's also very
knowledgeable about world affairs. And she likes wine, too.
Copious amounts.

Big Blogger has been keeping us busy with various tasks. I want
to stay as long as I can, but I know sometimes campers disappear,
and then there's an extra sheep on a unicycle pedaling around.
Keep sending the money, cause you never know when I might
have to bribe someone, or pay them to be my friend. I'm working
on my PEOPLE PISS ME OFF issues, and so far, I have not
gotten into any fights. When you come to visit, please bring me
a Sonic Cherry Diet Coke. Until then, I will think of y'all every
evening when we're gathered around the Hellmouth, roasting the
mini marshmallows out of the Scorn Flakes.


Blogger Rebecca said...

This Is Big Blogger.

Your entry for this week has been noted. Before we forwarded on your letter, we did some editing. It now reads "Dear Mum and Dad. The End"

7:31 PM  
Blogger Hillbilly Mom said...

Big Blogger,
I believe that is called 'censorship', not 'editing'. It's not like I'm selling Becklakian secrets or anything...I offered, but nobody was buying.

10:13 PM  
Blogger Redneck Diva said...

*sigh* sweet, sweet Carlos...

I hope he misses my uniboob whilst he rests his head on Cazzie's ample bosom.

I can't believe I'm gone.

I'll await you in Branson, Hillbilly Mom. I'll meet you on the portico on the west side of the Dixie Stampede.

10:33 AM  
Blogger Hillbilly Mom said...

Methinks Carlos will miss you, Dear Diva. I know I will.

It's like that song...'Abraham, Martin, John, and Redneck Diva'. "...I looked around, and she was gone."

I'm not so good with directions, but I know that is either in that breezeway where you look at horse's a$$e$, or look at those (hopefully) flu-less birds. If you see Dolly stopping by to check on her investment, tackle her and hold her until I get there. Kind of like in Miss Congeniality 2. I only wanna talk to her. I won't imprison her in my basement and make her sing to me whilst I'm blogging...

10:11 PM  
Blogger Cazzie!!! said...

Hey, I just realised the name Carlos came into the equation here...he was my first lover, OMG, Brazillian Carlos..howd he get a mention here?

6:30 PM  

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