Friday, May 19, 2006

Big Blogger 2 Task #4 Interior Design

For our Big Blogger 2 task this week, we each have to make over
a room in the Cyberhouse. We can let our imaginations run wild.
I have chosen a bedroom. I shall call it

The Hillbmomba Slumber Cavern

I am a creature of the dark. I would like one of our Cyberhouse
bedrooms to reflect my personal style. It will have all the ambience
of an Ozark cave. We are safe from any calamity that might befall
the rest of the house. Fire? Not to worry...the HSC will not burn.
Earthquake? Its solid bedrock walls and floor will not crumble.
Hurricane? Tornado? Nuclear war? We are in the safest place
in the world.

The HSC needs no heating or air conditioning. Its temperature
stays a comfortable 57 degrees F (13 degrees C) year round.
If this is a bit chilly for you, I will loan you one of my bobcat fur
robes, or your can snuggle under a woolly mammoth bedspread.

The walls are a delight for the eyes. You may gaze at primitive
cave paintings, some classy Vargas nudes (on loan from Mark),
selections from the Christian Coigny collection (on loan from
Lanternlight), or something from the Victor Gilbert Gallery
(thanks to Cazzie).

A stream runs through the HSC, with blind albino cave fish to
hunt for sport, and as a source of food. Each Cyberhousemate
may choose a fish for a pet. The pets will not be hunted or eaten.
An added feature of the stream is 'panning for gems.' We will
use the money from any gems found, along with the money from
the sale of bat guano to the make-up industry, and paid tours for
tourists, to make the Cyberhouse self-supporting. Six-packs of
Sump Cola and Coors Light can be cooled in the stream, leaving
room in the refrigerator for milk for the Scorn Flakes. Thank the
Gummi Mary that the Cut-Up Cow can store itself.

The bats will be housed in a separate branch of the cave. An
added value of the bats is their sale at Halloween. You never
know when somebody may need one to decorate the pop-top
hat of her Coors Light costume.

The entire HSC will be handicap accessible, so I can share my
bedroom with Rachy when she is sprung from the big house.
I will attach a long wire for a satellite receiver to perch on top
of the HSC so that Rachy, Mark, Scottage, Stewed Hamm, and
Lantern can get their daily dose of world affairs. Diva, Cazzie,
and I...meh. WE delight in making those around us happy. Who
cares what is happening outside the Cyberhouse? Not us.

And now we come to my favorite feature of the HSC:
The Hellmouth. all its glory:

The Hellmouth's function is threefold. First of all, it is for those
people who PISS ME OFF! Beware, pissers! Into the Hellmouth
with you! My nerves are shot from living in the Cyberhouse. I
tolerate no disrespect. You will be banished to the Hellmouth
until you see the error of your ways. Now don't go worryin'
about the pissers. They will not be harmed. There's a rim around
the Hellmouth for them to sit and dangle their feet over the abyss.
It's more like Hell's outer waiting room, complete with screaming,
unattended 2-year-olds on crack, farting old men, the occasional
waist-boobed old lady, and a fellow called 'Nub' who pushes
himself around town in a little red wagon. Oops! That was a
character on that old Burt Reynolds TV series, Evening Shade.
Leave Nub out of the Hellmouth.

Secondly, the Hellmouth is nature's incinerator. Big Blogger has
requested that we pick up the place, due to a recent build-up of
rubbish. All we (and by 'we', I mean Cazzie, she of the cleaner)
have to do is sweep the trash over the edge of the Hellmouth,
and VOILA! Trash gone. Pissers, make sure you're wearing
your hardhats.

The third function of the Hellmouth is atmosphere. By leaving
open the trapdoor to the Hellmouth, we get a warm glow, much
like a fireplace. And we don't have to stoke it with wood. (This
warm glow also sets the mood for romantic liasons, should any
of the Cyberhousemates decide they need a little somethin'
somethin' before they are booted out. Thank the Gummi Mary
for Mark's product.) The rest of the HSC lighting comes from
lamps on hardhats, which are issued at the door. Of course,
Lanterlight is always prepared for a visit to the HSC.

I must make a note-to-self to put a little barrier around the
Hellmouth when Rachy moves in. It wouldn't do for her to
get a wheel off in that thing. I am afraid I would rather do
my time in the Hellmouth itself than to listen to her chastising.
Though I'm sure it would be quite colorful. That gal is a
regular spitfire, she is!

So there you have it, the newly-remodeled Big Blogger 2
Cyberhouse bedroom. Enjoy.



Blogger Redneck Diva said...

Mmmm....I feel the need for a nap now. Of course, the lighted hard hat is going to take some getting used to.

Dang, that Hellmouth looks freakin' SCARY! But the threat of unattended crying 2 year olds and farting old men is by far scarier. *shudder*

Handicap accessible was very considerate. That oughta get you some brownie points with BB. Gummi Mary will bless you, too.

1:44 PM  
Blogger Hillbilly Mom said...

You are getting sleepy...verrrry sleepy.
Here, I will hold that IMMUNITY for you while you have a little nap.

Do not underestimate the power of the Hellmouth.

I miss Rachy's wit. She should be in the house with us, so I'm saving her a place. The brownie points were not thought of, and I am blessed by the Gummi Mary every day that someone does not PISS ME OFF. And now, just in case they do, I have my Hellmouth. Which some people think I have had all along, except it wasn't a hole in the ground, it was the hole in my head.

6:39 PM  
Blogger Cazzie!!! said...

It's making me feel like I am at home in the Slumber Van there HBM...(yawns!). But now I must go to work :(

6:53 PM  
Blogger Rebecca said...

This Is Big Blogger.

Hellooooo loooo loooo, echoooooo, cooooo, cooooo.

Your entry for this week is noted.

This Has Been Big Blogger

12:17 AM  
Blogger Hillbilly Mom said...

Work? You still have to work while in the Cyberhouse? I can't imagine that your employer wouldn't give you time off for such a unique experience!

Big Blogger,
Look out for that Hellmouth! What bad luck! You have the only hardhat with the nonworking headlamp. Stick close to Lantern. He won't steer you wrong.

4:22 PM  

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