Sunday, May 21, 2006

Poopies Problem

We have a problem here at the Mansion. A problem with the
poopies. It seems like only 3 months ago that they arrived, on a
dark and stormy night in the dead of winter. Well, as winter as it
got here this year. It was actually pretty mild. We took them in.
We built them a house. We fed them. We gave them as much
attention as we could, what with it being winter, and dark by
5:00 p.m., and having homework and supper and baths and
bedtime. We gave them their worm medicine. We took them
to the vet for shots. We gave them baths with prescription anti-
fungal shampoo. We bought them squeaky chew toys, and
bouncy balls to play with. We gave them dog treats. Did they
appreciate it? H*LL NO!!!

How did they respond? They hid in their house every time we
walked by. They ate the food we poured into their bottomless
stomachs. They ate Grizzly's food. They took over Grizzly's
new house. They tore up HH's new pillow. OK, so it was
really Grizzly's pillow. Grizzly is the one who's gotten the short
end of the rawhide chew bone. They galloped around the porch
several times every night, from 12:00 to 4:00 a.m. They tore up
whatever wasn't nailed down. They dug up the telephone wire
in its shallow grave. 3 TIMES. They dragged deer skulls and
unidentified gooey dead things with livers hanging out onto the
porch. We have tried to pet them, to play with them. How did
they return the favor? Like this:

Every time we go out, they
act like we're going to beat
them. We have never, ever,
even ONE time laid a hand
on them, except to try and
pet them. This one is Ann,
the female. She is top dog.
She even bosses Grizzly.

She is a barker, which I like. She runs the neighbor's dog off the
porch when he comes scrounging for food. She also shoves the
other dogs out of the way so she gets the most food. She is the
leader of the pack. Sometimes, #1 son can lure her close enough
to pet her. He managed to get that red collar on her.

This is our usual view of the
poopies. They retreat as we
advance. They are not pets.
They are uninvited guests who
have worn out their welcome.
And that is our dilemma. I
want pets. I don't want free-

I can not see spending more money on these wild dogs who have
decided to eat and sleep here. We have already spent over $200
on their vet bills. Not to mention their house and their food and
their toys. It is time to have them spayed/neutered. I do not want
to waste this money. I want to take them to the Humane Society
and trade them for two puppies that will bond with us. The money
will be better spent on shots and operations for new puppies.
Puppies that will be pets.

These poopies are only about
half grown. They are going to
be big. We can not get them to
walk on a leash. They are not
easy to catch. I can not imagine
trying to get them to the vet for
shots. IF we can catch them, I
will have shove them in a pet

carrier, which means that we will have to buy a bigger one. I will
have to DRAG them on their bellies into the vet's office. How will
that look? Of course, I am only concerned about ME. They will
make me look like a bad dog-mama. So what if they lose a little
skin off their bellies with the draggin'. It's appearances I'm worried
about, people.

try to pet these 'pets', and have
them back away. It ain't ever
gonna happen. We have tried
for three months to make it
work. I am tired of trying and
seeing no progress. HH wants
to give away Cubby, the male,

and have Ann spayed. He says that will calm her down, and she
will settle down without Cubby to run around with. I don't think
that will make much difference. Even the boys want to get rid of
them and start over with new puppies.

Grizzly came from the Humane Society. He has been a loyal pet.
He is good with the kids, and appreciates all we do for him. His
worst trait is that he tries to run into the house during storms. He
is a big fraidy-cat of a dog.

Don't go hatin' on Hillbilly Mom because she wants to abandon
her furry children. The Humane Society is a no-kill shelter. They
won't come to a bad end. If they stay here, running wild, some
yayhoo neighbor is going to shoot them. They really are annoying,
chewing and digging and skulking around like wild hyenas--but
without the laughing. They don't bite...they're not bad with kids...
they don't kill chickens...they just want to do their own thing and
eat up our food.

Is it so wrong to want a dog that will kiss your a$$ and be a pet?


Blogger LanternLight said...

They dug up the telephone wire in its shallow grave. 3 TIMES

Coat it with Chilli paste.

have Ann spayed. He says that will calm her down

based on my experiences of female dogs and mares, it don't work. Seems to work for the males, not the females.

We can not get them to walk on a leash.

You need to make it fun or interesting for the dog. Walking the dog by your side while feeding it liver treats is one trick.

5:52 AM  
Blogger Redneck Diva said...

I'm with ya, sister! Why have pets that aren't true pets? I say trade the dratted beasts!

Of course, your advice is coming from a woman who, right now, has 11 take it however you like.

1:42 PM  
Blogger Chickadee said...

I hear ya. I've got 2 wild cats that I need to catch up and take to the Humane Society. No more kittens in my garage!

It's not an easy decision. Email me supervisor works at a no-kill shelter close to the city Humane Society and they work with the dogs behaviorally before trying to find them new homes. I could put you in contact with the organization if you're interested.

5:59 PM  
Blogger deadpanann said...

Lantern-- I'm trying to do that with my 5 month old Boxer. So far she still acts like a fool, but has become quite the liver connoisseur.

Redneck Diva-- ELEVEN???? I have got to know how many litter boxes you have.

8:48 PM  
Blogger Hillbilly Mom said...

The best trick would be CATCHING Ann to attach the leash. We had our hateful cat spayed, and she remained just as hateful. Though I must say, she's my favorite. Because PEOPLE PISS HER OFF. When we lived in town, I would sprinkle black pepper in the trash bag before setting it out. That kept the dogs out.

That's how I ended up with 5 cats, when I only wanted 2. I can't stand the kids to see abandoned animals. #1 son cries over them. #2? Eh...he has been know to set the kittens in the water pan. Because he can.

At least you found homes for the kittens.

9:25 PM  
Blogger Redneck Diva said...

Ann, we have 40 acres that the little suckers can use as a gigantic litter box. Ain't no cats in this house - they roam free, free as the wind blows, free to wind themselves around my feet as I walk outside, free to crap right where the kids park their bikes... free, dammit.

Hey, eleven is good though - we did have 14. We are liquidating our stock. Hurry! Hurry! Hurry! This is the final liquidation sale this year! Everything must go!

*shakes head* Woah. I was channeling Crazy Marv from Crazy Marv's Furniture Emporium or something.

11:05 AM  

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