Monday, May 22, 2006

Hillbilly Mom Has No Taste

I have no taste. That does not mean that I need to be deep-fried
on a stick, rolled in sugar, doused with liquer and set aflame, aged
in a crock buried in the sand, sprinkled with hot sauce, simmered
in garlic, dipped in chocolate, set aside in a barrel of brine, baked
with sage stuffed in my body cavities, or simmered in a crockpot
of sauce for three days.

I have no taste. That does not mean I do not know how to dress
myself or decorate my Mansion. Speaking as an OH SO PRETTY
hillbilly icon, I heartily recommend my everyday ensemble of my
Lovely Green Jeannie shirt layered under gunmetal gray sweats,
which are covered by a cardboard Coors Light poster held up by
black suspenders. I accessorize that with an inverted visor covered
in tinfoil, adorned by a black cardboard bat. My fashionable lady-
mullet with stray tendrils plastered across my cheeks, showing just
a hint of gray at the roots, and sporting Christmas tree ornaments
galore, accents the outfit quite nicely. As far as my Mansion goes,
who can forget my Redneck Lamp, or my Redneck Bathroom, or
my John Deere nook inside my BARn? Not many people, I'm sure.
They kind of stick with you.

No, I mean I have no sense of taste. Or smell. But to say "Hillbilly
Mom has no smell" would be stretching the truth just a bit. Since
I caught this not-Type A Influenza on Thursday, May 11, I have
been quite miserable. And now I can't taste or smell. It's gone on
for about 4 days now. I am tired of it. I have tried to smell with my
antennae and taste with my feet, but that only seems to work for
butterflies. And I get some funny looks at McDonalds. Hillbilly
Mom is not an animal. If you bite me, do I not scream
"WHY THE #*%& DID YOU BITE ME!!!"? Yes. I do.

Last night, as I tried to eat my leftover Terrible Tater from lunch
on Saturday, I even chugged down three packets of hot sauce from
Taco Bell. Because sometimes, salsa will clear up my head when
it's stuffy, and I had that sauce just sitting there daring me to open
the package and suck some out. taste. No head-clearing.
But today my tongue has some painful little bumps and a whitish
coating. Oh, well. I'm not using it for anything anyway, since I

My head is stuffy. It is putting a real crimp in my car-singing. I
sound like my head is in a bucket. I can not sleep at night for the
wheezing and coughing. When I cough, I get a sharp shooting
pain in my forehead, just above my right eye. I am sure it is an
anuerysm waiting to burst. But as my Hillbilly Husband (the
Typhoid Mary who gave this to me) would say, "You ain't the
first woman ever to have an aneurysm." Every now and then
the stuffy head tricks me by turning on a dripping faucet out
one nostril. I turn my head a certain way, and it gushes out.
Other times, I have to struggle to blow thick yellow mucous
from my nose. Am I getting too graphic?

I am thinking about going to the doctor. Just thinking about it,
because he will charge me $20 and say, "You have a virus."
I thought I would be over it by now. I have even tried Mucinex
for the last two days. It does make the yellow mucous easier to
cough up and blow out. I can't seem to catch my breath, what
with the gunk taking up oxygen space in my lungs. Even my sweet,
sweet Histinex does not help anymore. And HH had some of that
Phenergan stuff that Redneck Diva raves about...does nothing
for me. Nada. Couldn't even tell that I took it.

My Hillbilly Mama told me to get some Peppermint Schnapps.
She said my Hillbilly Grandma used to swear by it...that is really
broke up her cough and helped her get well. Yeah. It made her
not care if she ever got well, more likely. But while I will chug
my sweet, sweet Histinex, I do not intend to imbibe demon
alcohol for a cold. If I ever start that, it will be for a good time,
not for an antidote.

I do have my standards to uphold.


Blogger Cazzie!!! said...

If its yellow and chunky then go to the doctors..if its stringy and green then theres no need. The yellow and the chunks = infection of bacterial kind in need of the antibiotics!!
Not sure if you have eucalyptus there in the states but it is a good thing to put on a kerchief under your pillow at night or even in your bra! Helps clear the nose a little but won't improve your taste unfortunately.
The medicines given to cease a runny nose and runny eyes and shitty headaches do just that...they treat the symptoms but do not cure the cold/ will still hang about for the 14 day period with or without the drugs.
That'll be $20 thanks. LOL
But seriously....huggs to you to get better soon...

3:32 AM  
Blogger Hillbilly Mom said...

I'll save that $20 for you until you can come visit me and pick it up in person. Thanks for the diagnosis. I have been emitting that chunky yellow stuff, so I called my doctor's office today, and they are calling in an antibiotic for me.

Hey! They even asked if I needed more of my sweet, sweet Histinex! I told them no, because when I really DO need it, I don't want them to turn me down as a drug seeker. I saw them do that in the office one time to some middle-aged lady who wanted some kind of pain pills. She whined, "But what am I going to dooooooo?" The nurse practitioner told her, "We've already given you more than you should have needed. We need to do some tests to see why you're having so much pain." The lady was almost in tears, and the NP sat her down and was talking to her calmly about what they should do. I had to leave, but I wish I could have heard the end of that story. They were really trying to be nice to her without calling her an addict.

3:42 PM  

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