Friday, June 02, 2006

The Hillbilly Mansion Library

Since my mail-order catalog is showing profit, I am branching out:
The Hillbilly Mansion Library. For a $5.00 fee, you can get your
very own liberry card, and borrow books from the Mansion. Here
are some of my recently requested titles:

teach beta fish to jump...A great how-to book for beginning
animal torturers. This trick involves a 16v battery, two wires,
and a beta fish swimming happily in his bowl of water. If he
survives, he will soon be asking "How high?" when he sees
you bring out the battery. A must-read for future serial killers.

audio nobody likes me worms...An autobiographical account of
an Irish lad with a case of the pinworms. Though he regards them
as pets, his classmates would rather not see the creeping things
peeping out his bum. A real tearjerker. This one's a book on
tape. Not tapeworms.

trying to cure the seven year lyrics...The story of a woman who
can not get a certain little ditty out of her head for seven years.
The tune? There's a hole in the bucket, Dear Diva, Dear Diva...
Yes, the author is our very own Redneck Diva. I always knew
she'd make good. Last I heard, she was avoiding book signings
like a Fitty Reunion, because she was afraid those lyrics would
start up again.

if you give a teacher a muffin...Intriguing slice of life about teacher
lunch-table antics. You'll discover what really happens if you give
a teacher a muffin. For starters, the teacher wonders why the
muffins have letters drawn on the tops in red Magic Marker, and
why the student said, "Be sure to take the one with the 'K' on it."
Follow one teacher's journey through h*ll and back, all because
of one little muffin.

big boob lesbians...A racy little romp behind the scenes at a home
for outlandishly endowed wymyn-lovahhhs. Though sometimes
short on plot, the author makes up for it with lavish descriptions
of rugs, carpets, curtains, and comfortable shoes.

hillbilly overalls don't...A collection of fashion faux pas of the
hillbilly variety. It may come as a surprise to some that hillbilly
overalls don't : wash all...flatter big-boobed
lesbians...make good attire for a date at the drive-in...appear
to be sexy to non-hillbillies...keep you warm in the winter...
make you look intelligent.

redneck cartoons wife beater...Cartoons with a wife-beating
theme. Need we specify 'redneck'? I think not. These wacky
hubbies really give their gals a thrashin'! You'll snort right out
loud on this bone-crunching tour through Fist City. Not for the
politically correct reader, or anyone with a weak constitution.

what to do when you're coughing up chunks of snot...Who
knew there were so many interesting ways to pass the time
when you're heaving some heavy mucous? #26 Blog about it.
#51 Pretend you're Bluto in Animal House. #88 Make a
collage. #109 Spit it onto a paper plate and see if an image
of the Snotty Mary appears. Quick read.

facts about vicks vaprub...It starts out with the startling fact
that the label actually says "Vicks VapoRub". Not vaprub.
Did you know that some folks actually used to tell their kids
to swallow this stuff, to work on unstuffing them from the
inside-out? It's true. Some even lived to tell the tale.

ugly hillbilly Anonymous. Some say this book's real
author was a young girl from the hills who lost her true love due
to a misunderstanding at a dance at the town square. She thought
her dance partner was making fun of her wooden leg, when he
mistakenly thought she was making fun of his wooden eye. Others
say the true author was a hillbilly gal with a harelip. In any case,
it makes for a light (if depressing) summer read.

If you'd like to check these titles, or inquire about a specific book,
you know where to find me. Sorry, Cazzie, that I did not have the
manual you requested. I believe it's been out of print since 1950.


Blogger Stewed Hamm said...

My snot searches have infected the Mansion, I see. Either that, or the world has a vast untapped thirst for mucus-related knowledge.

Seriously though, what is it with the internet and snot? Jeez, you write one stupid post about how your snot was orange and you get searches on it for the rest of eternity.

2:44 AM  
Blogger Hillbilly Mom said...

I have a thirst for snot. In fact, I yearn for it. Bet you'll never guess what TV show I just paraphrased, by changing snot for another word!

1:17 AM  
Blogger Cazzie!!! said...

The sign of having thirst all the time is THE sign of diabetes....but if it is just alcohol you thrist then that is probably ok!

5:15 AM  
Blogger Cazzie!!! said...

Perhaps you have hit the preverbial nail on the head there HM... I shall revert to the 1950's...wear high heels, a nice polka dot dress with matching belt, an apron with ruffles, red lipstick and stand there holding a feather duster just like my nan used to. I will discipline the kids with love and care and tell them they should "Be seen and not heard". Thats the shot, whaddya say HM?

5:21 AM  
Blogger Hillbilly Mom said...

Actually, that was a quote from Charlene, on the show Designing Women. She was kind of a hillbilly gal from the Ozarks, and she was the office bookkeeper. The other women treated her like an uneducated hick, and she told them one time she had a thirst for knowledge. She yearned for it.

Yes, go back to the days of Leave it to Beaver, and wear pearls to do the dusting. But don't model yourself on the I Love Lucy reruns, because that Lucy got into lots of trouble. Like with the Vitameatavegamin, the elixir that must have been pure alcohol, because she got drunk advertising it on live TV.

8:51 PM  

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