Thursday, June 01, 2006

HM's Mail-Order Catalog

I am starting my own mail-order business. My stats show that
people are jonesing for some odd stuff. I figure I might as well
make a profit, so I'll be sending out a catalog. Want to get on
my mailing list? Check out what I have to offer:

dalmation tongues...guaranteed to hit the spot. Need some exotic
finger foods for your next party? Our tongues are the talk of the

socks for dropsy...a special sock, designed to hold up your foot
so you don't trip over it. It's a sock, it's a's two garments
in one. Note: argyle has been discontinued.

hillbilly wig...for those who don't want to spend the money on a
quality wig, we offer the hillbilly wig, with an elastic chin-strap to
fit any size head. You won't be flippin' you wig with our product!

hillbilly women sitting on porch pictures...tired of the dogs playing
poker, the velvet Elvis? Spice up your decor with these lovely
works of Art. Art is well-known around these here parts for his
natural, unposed subjects. Specify with or without corncob pipe.

pitchers of moms spanking kids butts...these are hard to find,
indeed. It is hard to fit the moms and the kids into the pitchers...
not to mention leaving enough room to swing those spanking arms.
Note: moms and kids may drown if pitchers are filled with liquid.

maths mansion six flat worms...not five, not seven, but SIX flat
worms. They can measure you for a new suit of clothes. Note:
inch worms only. Metric worms are out of stock. (Actually, we
never had them, because this is the United States, doggone it!)

be a maid in a mansion kids game...teach your girl young 'uns
and your sissy-boys, too, that they can strive to be a rich man's
maid. It beats livin' in a van down by the river, eating cheese
and selling meth.

transplant of gender lesbian to a guy can keep it in
your wallet if you don't have a cat photo. Good conversation
piece for picking up women.

the whacker...c'mon...everybody has someone in his life who
needs a good 'ol tooth-rattling whackin'. This is just what you
need. Comes in iron or wood. Handy for hiding under the seat
when you must drive through Redneckland without a police escort.

homemade coke popsicles...because we all know how those
confounded meth popsicles that you buy from that van down by
the river fall off the stick. Disclaimer: coke may or may not be cut
with baking soda or talcum powder or confectioners' sugar.

funny hillbilly gadget...we don't know what it is, or what it does,
but you are guaranteed to laugh your a$$ off. Because it's a funny
hillbilly gadget.

handbag tour eiffel...we talk pretty one day. Take this handbag
on your tour of France. Make those Frenchies jealous. Hey, now!
No kissing!

freshmen magazine blue plastic inflatable chair...because a red
chair just won't do when you're a freshman. Parents, know what
your college young 'uns are a-blowin'. This chair comes with a
tiny pin-hole that causes the chair to deflate every 24 hours. The
kids will be plumb tuckered out from all the chair-inflatin', which
will keep them from a-blowin' something less desirable, like big
fat chickens.

highlighters made from wax...some people call them 'crayons',
but we've found we can make more money if they are called
'wax highlighters'. And it's all about the almighty dollar here at
the Hillbilly Mansion, folks.

georgia hillbilly mullets...we're not saying how we got the latest
shipment, but we guarantee these mullets came right off the pointy
heads of Georgia hillbillies. Please specify your choice of 'Hatfield'
or 'McCoy' style.

Prices are negotiable. We will barter with you, Redneck Diva.
In the past, I've seen that you had a

hobble skirt for sissy boy-girl
screaming butt monkeys
dead mouse in the wall
redneck bra
toothless redneck woman pictures
deflated on the couch pot head
stuffed bear brownie outfit
picher of women being slaves to husband

I think I could find buyers for that collection. Make me an offer.
I will deal with you. I see that you have new shipments coming
in every day.

And remember folks, caveat emptor!


Blogger Cazzie!!! said...

Awesome list you got goin on there Hillbilly Momma!!! I am after something a bit more special, it is called, "How to teach your kids to clean up manual"

10:02 PM  
Blogger Rebecca said...

Hi Hillbilly Mom,
Do you offer discounts for multiple purchases?

1:09 AM  
Blogger Hillbilly Mom said...

I'll see if we have that in the Mansion Library. From the looks of the Mansion, however, it is doubtful.

Yes, we do offer discounts for multiple purchases. But there is a surcharge for multiple personalities. We figure they can split the cost amongst themselves.

HEY FOLKS! My word verification is: ssiexy.

I'm...too ssiexy for my blog...

8:42 PM  
Blogger Redneck Diva said...

Now, a bartering arrangement would be mighty fine. I can see us both retiring to Dollywood in a few years with this lucrative internet business.

The "pichers" and "pitchers" seem to be hot items, btw. I hope we don't have to backorder those.

1:57 PM  
Blogger Hillbilly Mom said...


Sounds like a plan.

I hope we don't have to backorder the hobble skirts. Because that would mean a lot of sissy boy-girls running around freely without skirts.

8:37 PM  

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