Monday, June 05, 2006

Money, Money, Everywhere!

Well, not everywhere. Just a little in my bank account. And pocket.

Today was payday. Teacher summer checks payday. WooHoo!
That means I went to school to pick up 6 (count 'em) SIX
paychecks. Didja know that? That teachers work for a certain
amount of contracted days, like 178 or some such number, and the
year's salary is spread over 12 months? So even when you're not
actually teaching during the summer, you still get your allotted pay.
Our school pays it out in 6 checks, because we get paid twice a
month. Some schools only pay once a month. Some might even
mail out the checks at the regular payday. It's been so long since
I taught at a different school that I can't remember.

Now, this getting paid your summer money all in one shot can
be both a blessing and a curse, depending on how you handle
your personal finances. When I was single (and had a life), I
paid 3 months of car payments, rent, insurance, savings, etc.
That way, I knew the main bills were taken care of, and how
much money I had to last me until the beginning of September,
the next payday. It worked out well.

After I married my Hillbilly Husband, I made the mistake of putting
that money in the checking account and paying bills on the regular
monthly schedule. Not such a good idea. Because even though I
control the checkbook strings around the Hillbilly Household, HH
saw all that money in the account and thought "Wow! Free money!
Must spend!" Yes, he sound's like Homer Simpson on occasion.
By the middle of August, I was a-wishin' for a payday, and trying
to make ends meet. It wasn't too bad, since HH got paid weekly
back then. The next year, he switched employers, and was paid by
the month, on the last Friday of each month. So it wasn't always
the same date, sometimes it was 4 weeks between, sometimes 5.

I do not like worrying about the money just before school starts.
Especially now that we have growing boys to clothe, and school
supplies, and every now and then I even get a new item or two
for the new school year. So I had to make a change with the pay
situation in the summer. I have to put that money in savings, and
only take out a regular paycheck on a regular payday, the 5th
and the 20th. That way, HH does not see a big balance and think
"Wow! I need to go on vacation! I need to buy lumber for the
BARn! I need to buy myself a new Scout! I need a new lawn-
mower! I need to trick out my pimp car! I need a new knife for
my collection!" It has been working for a few years now.

While at school to pick up my check, I ran into Mr. G, my old
lunch buddy, and had to talk a while. He's already been to
Branson this summer, and bought a speedboat. Branson! Ya
hear me, Stewed Hamm? Branson! Hillbilly Heaven!

After that 45-minute adventure, I heard Wal*Mart calling to me.
But first, I had to check on my new room, which I might have
mentioned is in Lower Basementia. Nope. Nothing has been
moved yet. I made a trip to the bank, stopped at 7-11 for a
couple scratch-off lottery tickets, because hey! I had SIX
paychecks to deposit! Now don't go thinkin' I'm spending
the Mansion payment or taking food out of my young 'uns'
mouths by squandering my hard-earned moolah on the lottery.
Nobody around here is missing any meals, I guarantee. I have
streaks of good luck with the lottery. Just ask Mabel, if you
can find her, because one year she gave me some tickets for
my birthday in February, and I played on the spoils for well into
the fall. Mabel rocks! And I'm still playing on the $16 I won
off the last $10 of tickets she gave me!

Since I had $62 worth of winners waiting to be cashed in, I
did not think twice about dropping $17 on three tickets. Upon
scratching them, I found that I had a $15 winner. HooRah!
Then the itch to scratch was upon me again, so I stopped and
spent another $15 on two more tickets. I have been buying the
$10 and $5 tickets, because the odds of winning are 1 in 3.21
as opposed to about 1 in 4.85 on the dollar and two-dollar
tickets. Something like that. They all have a little bit different
odds. I also check the trusty internet (try it!),
to see which games are new, and which still have big prizes left.
This system is working so far, because when my children were
brought home later by my Hillbilly Mama, and I let them scratch,
one had a $5 winner, and one had a $15 winner. So lets see...
I spent $32 on tickets today, and won $35. I ain't exactly gettin'
rich at it, but it's fun. I'm like Jerry Seinfeld on the episode where
he was Even Steven. Now I have $97 worth of tickets to cash in.

Don't worry. I'm not going to put it back into tickets all at once.
I only get a few at a time. I have to be feelin' lucky before I'll buy
them. I'm psychic, you know. And one lesson I've learned is never,
ever buy tickets when HH is along. Because we've never won so
much as a ticket when he's with us. Every party has its pooper,
and our pooper is HH.

Should I tell you what tickets win for me? Or should I keep it to
myself? More for me, haha! Well, I guess it won't matter...most
of you can not come to Missouri to buy our scratch-off tickets.
Perhaps Colleen could steal my fortune, but perhaps she doesn't
even play the scratch-offs. Ohh...poor Stew of Hammistan...he
could have purchased some when he was in Branson. IF he hadn't
been so you say...HATING BRANSON!
You snooze, you lose, Stews! One of these days you'll take
ol' Hillbilly Mom's advice.

OK, are the games I play until some new ones start:
Lifetime Riches, Harley Davidson Ticket to Ride, and Solid
Gold. Eat your hearts out, suckers! It's time for another
heart-eating party at the Mansion. My kids gotta eat.


Blogger Rebecca said...

Hi Hiilbiily Mom,
Don't you go bringing your gambling habit into the Big Blogger house. Last thing we need is someone selling off the toaster to fund their problems. :-)

I use to get paid monthly, and it was hell to try and balance things out. Being paid every two weeks suits me just fine.

3:04 AM  
Blogger LanternLight said...

There's always food stamps I suppose.

6:55 AM  
Blogger Redneck Diva said...

Wahoo you are OH SO LUCKY!! When you get those psychic twinges you really need to come up here to visit the WORLD'S LARGEST SLUT. I mean SLOT.

We're going to Branson this coming weekend !! I'm so excited that it should be against the law.

2:21 PM  
Blogger Hillbilly Mom said...

Do we really NEED toast? I hear it's high in carbs.

Can I buy Bec some toast with the food stamps? You need to work twice as hard so you can support my family. We might want a bigger pool next year.

You know, that's odd. When I think of your area, I DO think of SLUTS! Go figure! Enjoy your Branson. Be on the lookout for my Dolly.

7:56 PM  
Blogger Stewed Hamm said...

I'll have you know I did indeed partake of the loose morals and fast money of the "Powered-Balls" while I was in the state of Mizzery. Thanks to an incompetent register-jockey, I only paid 1 cent for my ticket, too.

I don't know what came over me... I'm not sure if I should blame Boxcar Willie's ghost or Dr. Dick Stiff. If I can't shake this sinful influence, I'll probably end up in Vegas surrounded by other depraved souls...

2:08 AM  
Blogger Redneck Diva said...

You must have been talking to my sister. She's constantly bringing up my slutty past. Especially in front of crowds. Like at our Christmas party this last year when she looked around the room and said, "Well, Kristin! This is the first time in a long time where there's only one person in the room that you've slept with!" She's always coming up with cute things like that.

10:05 AM  
Blogger Hillbilly Mom said...

Do you have some way of mesmerizing convenience store clerks so they give you a bargain? Cause I think I am seeing a pattern here...

Did you say you would end up in Vegas, or in Vargas? And remember, what happens in Vegas is SUPPOSED to STAY in Vegas. Rebecca does not follow that rule, because way back when, she ALLEGEDLY posted some pictures of my "First Wedding". And my #1 hubby looked suspiciously like Shrek.

Methinks y'all might end up on Jerry Springer after Fitty's first attempt is foiled.

9:01 PM  

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