Friday, November 25, 2005

On HM's Mind Today

The day after Thanksgiving--a time for reflection. My reflector is
not working very well. These are the odd things that have popped
into my head today:

You know you are old when you hurt your shoulder shaking the
can of non-stick cooking spray to coat the pan for your Oreo cake.
It also hurts when playing pool against the boy young 'uns, when
opening the back hatch of the giant SUV, when trying to lift the
3 lb. box of fine chocolates HH gave me for our anniversary,
and when trying to reach the large economy size box of Tide
Mountain Spring off the shelf in the laundry room. It hurts in
a specific spot in the deltoid, a little bit posterior, when I abduct
my humerus. Heh, heh. Old Hillbilly Mom had classes in Anatomy,
Physiology, and Excercise Physiology. I can even understand
about 3/4 of what those characters on ER talk about. Except for
that new Dr. Clemente, John Leguizamo, who I can never under-
stand, and those low-talkers Abby, Luka, and Sam.

No child of mine will be allowed to drink Mountain Dew again
until
he is no longer living under my roof.

Until 9/11 and Bush's war, I was blissfully unaware that my
Hillbilly Mansion is under the airspace used by Scott Air Force
Base to train fighter pilots. It is especially noticeable on my days
off, and during the summer. Even in my basement office, I can
hear the whine of the engines as they buzz my house. One day,
we saw two of them VERY low, playing the game where the pilot
tries to lock in the target, I think, because the lead plane was
twisting and weaving and pulling a big circle thingy. We are over
a hundred miles away from SAFB. Play in your own backyard,
boys. Oh, what's that? You can't kill that many people if you
crash? And hillbilly lives are less valuable that city people's lives?
Yeah. I get that a lot.

One of my all-time favorite movies, True Grit, should have won
an award for Worst Acting in All Lead Roles. They stunk. And
to think, John Wayne received an Academy Award for playing
Rooster Cogburn. Glen Campbell, you sucked at acting. The
best line you had was, "Squirrel-headed b*****d" to that guy
in the boarding house who told you to watch out for the chicken-
and-dumplings, because it would hurt your eyes--looking for the
chicken. And Kim Darby, I know the character was supposed
to talk kind of backward-like, being from Arkansas (no offense
to my dear neighbors to the south), but a puppet could have put
more emotion into that performance than you did. Yes, I am
Hillbilly Mom, accomplished actor and movie critic.

That was it. Now I can go back to doing what I do every night:
try to take over the world.

6 Comments:

Blogger Chickadee said...

I think I'm old too cuz I now get an achy pain in my right shoulder. LOL.

What happened to ban the Mountain Dew for life?

I'm surprised you get jet jocks flying over your house from Scott AFB. WTF??? I live by the frickin' airport and Boeing and we don't get that many jet jocks flying over our house. (But I know they're there cuz I see them on occasion.)

Hope you had a good turkey day.

http://www.danno.org/blogs

9:04 PM  
Blogger Kim said...

lol

My father and I got into a rather heated argument over Mountain Dew a few years ago. He INSISTED it didn't have caffeine because it wasn't brown. Umm, I've worked mostly night shift since 1995 so I know my caffeine sources. Yeah, I totally did the "I told you so" dance.

My Mom and step-dad's house was used by the airplane guys for a practice target for years. We thought it was awesome when we were kids. Sometimes we could see the pilots.

10:03 PM  
Blogger CISSY said...

Mountain Dew is an evil plot introduced to get our children hooked on caffeine -- really have you ever noticed that ALL of their commercials are aimed at young people?

I just don't like the way it tastes.

8:33 AM  
Blogger Hillbilly Mom said...

Chick,
Who needs a doctor for a diagnosis? A pain in the shoulder means you're old. End of story. It's my right shoulder, too. That must mean a pain in the RIGHT shoulder means you're old.

I'll a do a post about the Mountain Dew ban.

Those guys fly over all the time. On weekdays, between 8:00 and 5:00, mostly. They are noisy. We run out on the porch and look up with our mouths open, just in case one is about to crash into the house.

Kim,
My dad insisted that since air was a good insulator, you should blow up the bread sack like a balloon. I still don't like Wonder bread.

Cissy,
That's all my students want to drink. I wonder why...

10:33 AM  
Blogger jules said...

I also have a pain in my right shoulder. Dammit, I was blaming it on something else besides old age. See if I come to the Hillbilly Doctor anymore..
True Grit. OMG. My mom took us to that movie when we were kids cuz she had SUCH a crush on Glen Campbell. Worst movie EVER!!!

10:36 AM  
Blogger Redneck Diva said...

I have a pain in my right knee, not shoulder. What do you think THAT means??

Mr. Diva's pain is in his left shoulder, but it's from the motorcycle vs. car accident a few years ago. So it's not old age that did it to him, but stupidity alone.

11:02 AM  

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