Sunday, December 11, 2005

Winter Wonderland















This is why we had a snow day Thursday. And Friday. Now it is
gone. We usually don't get this much snow this early. Technically,
it isn't even winter yet.

The snow was still all over our gravel road and parts of our county
road Saturday. The turnout for #1's party was not great, but I didn't
expect it to be. He didn't care. More quarters for him to play video
games.

I took #2 son to my Hillbilly Mama's house. She spoiled us, as I
expected. He got to lie on the couch bed, watch "Thomas and
the Magic Railroad" and "Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory."
That's the old Gene Wilder version, as #1 had the Johnny Depp
version at his party. He also got to eat Cheetos and drink Sprite
while on the bed. I got to lie on the living room couch and read
magazines. HM brought me a comforter, and a watch, and moved
some pictures around to set a box of tissues where I could reach
them. It was a bit cold in her house. We made #2 go to bed at
10:30 so we could watch Saturday Night Live. I think my favorite
was Alec Baldwin and the face transplant sketch. We also got a
laugh out of "Brokeback Prospectors."

We left earlier than expected. My Hillbilly Sister's husband the
mayor called and told HM they were joining the church this morning.
She said, "It's too bad I won't be there." Well, I was not going to
keep her from going to church. HS and the mayor used to go to
the First Baptist Church, but then started attending HM's United
Methodist a year or so ago. I gathered up #2 and told HM to get
going. I didn't have to tell her twice.

When I got home, HH was pulling out of the field onto the road
to take the houseguests home. We still had snow then. I waited
for him to get home so I could do some Christmas shopping at
the Wal-mart. HH will be gone to Germany this week, and I had
to get away from the kids if they're going to get any gifts. Three
hours later, with sore feet and a headache, I left Wal-mart. Now
I have to wait for HH and the kids to go to sleep to carry it in.
And hide it.

#1 showed me a video of some party activities. That made my
head hurt even more. He and the three houseguests looked like
they'd just eaten a big bowl of crack, sprinkled with crystal meth,
washed down with a quart of Mountain Dew. They were
performing a mock newscast. The anchorman announced that
there had been a murder in a neighboring town, committed by
"Bob Clinton." No 'allegedly' in this newscast! No need for a
jury trial. The local news team had solved the crime on the day
it happened. The voice behind the camera, my son, said, "Who
would have thought our former President could do such a
thing?" Apparently, he lacks the "history gene" the same as
his Hillbilly Mom.

Next, the camera turned to the weatherman. "What's the
weather like, Mr. Weatherman?" "It's cold. We're waiting
for some snow. The temperature is 10 negative. That means
it's under zero."

Back to the anchorman, who was stating that "A kid almost
drowned..." when a shoebox flew into the side of his face.
That must have been the cue that it was time for the sports.

The sportscaster reported that the Chicago Cubs played
the St. Louis Rams. The final score was 25 to 6. He didn't
mention who won. I sure hope the Rams were able to beat
the Cubs. Because the last time I checked, they played a
bit rougher than those namby pamby baseball sissies. In
the middle of the sports segment, the anchorman held a gun
to the sportscaster's head, and discharged a Nerf dart into
his temple. This elicited a frown from the sportscaster, but
he gamely finished his segment.

When the anchorman was about to give the last news story,
the sound of an electric keyboard wafted into the newscast.
Wafted in a way that a professional wrestler would waft onto
an opponent from the top rope. The camera cut to the
weatherman, banging away on the keys. I don't think it was
the theme song for the news. The whole 2-minute broadcast
increased my headache exponentially. That's for you, Mabel.
A math reference.

After two ibuprofen and some Sonic Cherry Diet Coke, I am
feeling better for now. My Hillbilly Mama drove out with
#1's reindeer costume for his Christmas program Wednesday
night. We had sketched it out before I left this morning. It was
the easy way out. Tan sweatpants and sweatshirt, black socks
and shoes and mittens, and antlers. HM sewed on a white patch
to make a deer belly, and I stuffed a tan sock with tissues and
put white stuff on the bottom side so he can be an authentic
white-tailed reindeer. I don't know if reindeer have white tails,
but around here, the deer flag that white tail when they jump
out in the road in front of your large SUV. So the redneck
audience should know that he's a deer. I told him he will be as
good as the kid at #2's program who was a horse with a mane
and a donkey tail.

Eight days until Christmas vacation. WooHoo! And two jury
duty days for me, so I might just have six. Don't hate me because
I'm a short-timer. Hate me because I'm beautiful.

7 Comments:

Blogger Chickadee said...

I laughed outloud when I read about your boy's "newscast". I'm glad you missed out on that fun, especially since there could have been Mountain Dew involved. ;)

The snow was gone when I woke up this morning. Wah!

http://www.danno.org/blogs

8:39 PM  
Blogger Huggies said...

Yes the newscast got me laughing. It must be that Mountain Dew doing the job.

That Sonic Cherry Diet Coke sounds nice. We need it here in Oz..

12:01 AM  
Blogger MamaKBear said...

Add me to the list of laughing out loud at that newscast. I was picturing it in my head the whole time.

Kids...gotta love 'em!

BTW, did ya get all your shopping done?

12:43 AM  
Blogger Misha said...

"The temperature is 10 negative. That means
it's under zero."

LOL, Thank you. My favourite part.

I really dig the photo. I've only ever had one white christmas (when I went overseas), it was the best holiday i've ever had. Sigh...

3:38 AM  
Blogger Rebecca said...

HI Hillbilly Mom,
In the name of research, I purchased a bottle of Mountain Dew, and read the contents. No caffine added here at all, not under any name.
Maybe I should send you over some, so your kids still get that MD taste, but with out the hyperactivity.
HooRoo
Rebecca

6:00 PM  
Blogger Hillbilly Mom said...

Chick,
I got to partake of the fun at the bowling party. One kid went and sat at the bar. He looked like he was playing video poker. I'm pretty sure both are illegal in our part of Missouri.

Huggies,
That had to be it...the Mountain Dew, hillbilly crack. Oops! That would be crystal meth. You haven't lived until you've had Sonic Cherry Diet Coke. The cherry flavoring makes it sweet. The 'diet' makes it not TOO sweet, so you can drink a gallon of it. It's the elixir of the gods, I tell you!

MKB,
I didn't get ALL the shopping done, but most of it. Now I have to wrap. That's Wrap, not Rap. I'm not very musical, except with the car-singing.

Misha,
I can't imagine Christmas in the summer. I can't even imagine Christmas in California.

Bec,
Mountain Dew without caffeine would be like Hillbilly Mom without a complaint, or Rebecca without a breathalyzer test. Freakishly uncommon.

6:44 PM  
Blogger Redneck Diva said...

Reading about the newscast made me reminisce back to when I was 17 and my girlfriends and I made a video at my birthday party. Ours wasn't a newscast - it was our version of Wayne's World - Wilma's World. Omg, it was stupid! I laugh like a loon when I watch it now, though.

Thank God my children don't like Mountain Dew.

7:09 PM  

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