Sunday, May 07, 2006

Mr. K Strikes Back

"Notorious P.I.G. feeds on chlorophyll...
after devouring your soul."

That was Friday's cat-message for Mr. K. The photo showed a
cat glaring at the camera, chewing on thin, green leaves.

Yes, after a brief respite, we're back on track with Mr. K and
his OH SO PRANKABLEness. He made a feeble attempt at
retaliation. We'll get to that in a few minutes.

First hour, it was business as usual with my DoNots.

What are you fiddling with, there behind your desk?
I have to write my name on something.
My glasses. I almost lost them.
Since when do you wear glasses?
I always have.
Since when?
Yesterday, in Mr. K's class, we watched the Julius Caesar movie.
Yeah. I couldn't even sleep, people were talking so loud.
I could.
Mr. K had this laser pointer? And he shined it on people.
He shouldn't do that. You should have grabbed your eye, and
screamed, 'My retina!'.
It shined on me, and when I looked around to see what kid did it,
it was Mr. K!
Mabel came in.
I got the graduation robes.
I know. I read your thing.
Here, look at them. Look at that.
I suppose that one will be mine...
Oh, you'll trade me?
That's what a loyal friend would do...
Look how it's all faded. And the zipper won't do right.
I'd better try it on. YANK!!!
Ooh...maybe you should've left that zipped.
Hey, this is fine. I won't have to wear a dress. I can wear shorts.
You'd better see if that will zip.
She threw it on the desk. ZRZRIIIIPPPP.
See? It's fine. I don't know why you had so much trouble with it.
Mr. K entered.
Mr. K! I hear you have a laser pointer!
I took it away from some juniors.
Mr. K, did you know I had to go to the eye doctor after school
yesterday? My eye is damaged. Now I have to wear glasses.
You don't wear glasses, 'Mum'!
I do now.
He has a case. I haven't seen the glasses.
I've got to be going. I need my daily dose of chlorophyll.
What's chlorophyll?
Looks like Ms. C hasn't been doing her job.
Isn't that what plants eat?
Kind of. It's the chemical that lets green plants make their food.
What's Mr. K talking about?
Is he nuts?

Second hour, I left my class unattended to make a copy of
Mr. K's vocabulary list, since my DoNots do not ever have
them to work on. Now don't go shouting LAWSUIT, Hillbilly
Mom, LAWSUIT! Because there is only one class out of six
that I dare to leave momentarily. It has two seniors, a junior,
three sophomores, and one freshman. The seniors would tattle
on the others for any form of wrongdoing, and in turn, they try
to appear worldly and mature to the underlings.

I checked my mailbox while the copies were running, and what's
this? An envelope with no return address! I could smell Mr. K
all over it. Here is his amateurish attempt at re-pranking:

Mommy, I Love You

Mommy, I love you
For all that you do,
I'll kiss you and hug you
And take pictures of your
cat, too.

You feed me and need me
To teach you to play.
So smile 'cause I love you
In every way.


Ha! If you look closely at that picture of 'Sonny', he has a mouth
full of human teeth. It's disturbing. I think the other image is from
Mr. K's child's coloring book. Anyhoo, I think he was meaning
this to be a letter to me from 'Mum', as in: I am 'Mum's' mum.
So I put a note in the K-Man's mailbox:

Mr. K,
The mysterious cat-stalker who has been leaving you photos is
now after ME! I just found a disturbing, somewhat incestuous
poem in my mailbox. I don't know how we are going to combat
this sicko. For now, all I can do is have nightmares about that
disturbing image of 'Sonny.'

I have another plan. We'll see what gifts tomorrow brings from
the K-Man.


Blogger Rebecca said...

Hi Hillbilly Mom,
How about starting to leave "gifts" like a cat does for their owner. I will suggest leaving a toy mouse, or a ball with a bell inside of it first. Oh, or maybe a small ball of wool. That will get him thinking.

5:46 PM  
Blogger Hillbilly Mom said...

There's an idea. I'll have to find something nasty. Only the best for Mr. K.

10:20 PM  
Blogger Rebecca said...

Maybe a tin of sardines. Nice and cheap from the local Save-a-lot, and you would look Oh So Pretty getting them too.

11:05 PM  
Blogger Hillbilly Mom said...

You people are dyin' to get me back in the Save-A-Lot. Well, I went today. Perhaps I'll tell you about it on Wednesday. Perhaps not.

7:09 PM  
Blogger Redneck Diva said...

My cats just leave headless rabbits and other mangled, half-eaten presents. Not once have they left us a can of sardines.

8:07 PM  
Blogger Hillbilly Mom said...

It's that Marcia Brady hussy! She has hoarded all the sardines, and turned the other cats against you. And now she's repopulating her evil empire.


Lob a football at her nose. That'll keep her in line.

10:47 PM  

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