Thursday, June 08, 2006

Hillbilly Mom is Cookin'

I am pitching my own cooking show to the Food Network. It will
be called "Homemade Vittles With Hillbilly Mom." Each week,
I will be cooking the same meal. We'll be having BBQ Pork Steaks
with Onions, Cauliflower/Broccoli/Cheese/Potato/Banana Pepper
Bowl, Oreo Cake, and a choice of Sonic Cherry Diet Coke or a
tart, delicious Bullfrog. Which probably isn't a real name, but one
made up by my cronies back in the days I dressed as a can of
Coors Light. It consists of equal parts vodka, frozen limeade, and
ice. All are crushed together in a blender, and the drink is as good
as any Sonic Slush. Better, even.

Let me describe my special menu:

BBQ Pork Steaks: Boil the pork steaks until they are a nice gray
color, and the foamy fat rises to the top. Then discard the water,
and lay those chops on a bed of sliced Vidalia onions coated with
a layer of BBQ sauce. Not that nasty Maul's of Kansas City kind.
The sweet stuff. Like Save-A-Lot brand Original, or Honey BBQ.
Put a layer of sauce on the boiled pork steaks, too. Bake them at
oh...I don't know...maybe 300 degrees for about...umm...30 or 45
minutes. The onions should get all soft and sweet, and the pork
steaks should maybe get a little burnt sauce around the edges where
you've left the fat that didn't boil away. Mmm...because hillbillies
can never get enough pork fat.

Cauliflower/Broccoli/Cheese/Potato/Banana Pepper Bowl:
No, it's not like KFC's Potato Bowl thingy. That just looks like
garbage to me. Mine is OH SO TASTY. I'm not so good at
measuring, so here's about what you'll need. Enough to fit it in
a bowl. Start with a medium baking potato, such as a Russet.
Wash it, because you're going to eat the nutritious skin. Poke
it so it won't explode in your microwave, where you'll be cooking
it for about 5 minutes. Put some cauliflower and broccoli florets
in the bowl, remembering you have to leave room for that potato.
Cover the bowl with plastic wrap. I still haven't forgiven the
Handi-Wrap company for going out of business. I have not yet
found another plastic wrap that I like. Glad Wrap is too clingy.
My sister and Hillbilly Mama have me using some generic stuff,
which will do for wrapping freezer goods, but is not so good at
the microwaving. It blows up like a balloon, then pops and clings
to the food. Anyhoo, microwave that cauliflower and broccoli
for about 3 minutes, just until it is soft but not mushy. Take it out
and put about 3 slices of a Velveeta-type cheese on it. I prefer
the Save-A-Lot brand, which I think is called Marvella. For you
guys not in the U.S., this is not real cheese. It's like a processed
cheese food type of thingy. But it's OH SO GOOD for melting
on things. By now, you have the cauliflower and broccoli with
layers of cheese, then you slice that baked potato in half and lay
it face down on the cheese. This will make it all melty. While it's
doing its business, chop up some banana pepper rings. Maybe
you call it something else, but it's those sweet yellow pepper
rings that you can buy in a jar and put on sandwiches. Or in this
case, you sprinkle the pieces on top of the potato, then slice it
up and stir the whole bowl of stuff until it's kind of gluey and
mushy. But it's tasty. Though not real healthy due to the cheese.
But it's a way to get hillbillies to eat 4 different vegetables.
Without deep-frying them. The vegetables, not the hillbillies.

Oreo Cake: This really is good, even though it comes from a box.
Just ask my teaching buddy, Mabel. Which would be easier if
Mabel would get herself a blog, and if BLOGGER was actually
working, but anyhoo, you'll have to believe it's good. Mabel has
caught people sneaking in to get the last piece.

Duncan Hines Devil's Food Cake Mix
Eggs, oil, water as listed on the cake mix
1 package Oreos (NOT Double-Stuff)
2 Tubs of Vanilla Frosting

Cut Oreos in half with a sharp knife, so you have half-circles
You will need about 24-30 halves.
Put rest of Oreos in a bowl and chop them up to about dime size
with a fork.
Spray two 8-9 inch cake pans with non-stick cooking spray.
Turn on oven according to cake mix directions.
Mix the cake according to package directions.
Fold chopped Oreos into the batter.
Pour into cake pans.
Bake according to cake mix directions.
Cool on a rack for about 30 minutes.
Remove cakes from pans, let sit on rack another 30 minutes.
Put bottom layer on cake plate and ice with vanilla frosting.
Place top layer on, ice with vanilla frosting.
Put Oreos halves around bottom of cake in a circle, sticking
cut sides to the icing.
Stand 5-6 half-Oreos in center on top of cake like a star
Sprinkle fine Oreo crumbs on top of cake.
Cake is best left uncovered or refrigerated, as it will become
soggy if covered at room temperature.

People will not tire of watching me prepare the same meal each
week, because my hilarious wit will keep them enthralled. I will
have a different guest each week. First will be Bobby Flay, that
lush, who will bring in some of his viewers to kick off my show.
I'll pour ol' Bobby so full of Bullfrogs that he will think my food
is good. Until it's processed, salty goodness fells him with a
heart attack.

Other weeks, I will have a guest chef prepare my meal. If the
guest is entertaining, and can hold an audience, they will be invited
back to prepare their own specialty. For example, Redneck Diva
might do an episode called "I'm Cookin' With Cheese." Cazzie
could do one called "I'll Show You My Buns if You'll Show Me
Yours." Stewed Hamm...well, aside from stewing some ham, he
could whip up some tasty Booberrylicious concoctions. Rebecca
could teach us the history of Jaffle.

Yes. I think the Food Network should not take us lightly. Look at
what they put on. Big freakin' deal that Rachael Ray can add up to
$40. It takes her all the live-long day! It's not like she's cashing in
lottery tickets or anything. And that Ham on the Street guy...I can
see why he's on the street. I did used to like that Bobby Flay show
years ago...Grillin' and Chillin'. He had some redneck guy that
did the grillin', which of course left Bobby time for chillin'. Which in
his case meant getting hammered by the end of the show. Why has
nobody else ever noticed this? He always looks drunk by the end.

So there you have it. My plans for the summer. I'm sure that's
enough time to get my own show and become a star.

I can't explain why it took Emeril so long.


Blogger Sally said...

Sounds like a plan to me! I love Hillbilly cookin, but you're right, that KFC 'bowl' turns me stomach every time I see that commercial. Have you tried the Glad Press n Seal? It works good for me when I doin veggies in the microwave.

10:23 PM  
Blogger meekon5 said...

It's a sunny day here in Portsmouth UK and my mouth is just watering from reading this. OK so I don't understand half the ingredients but you can guess what I'm cooking this weekend (just in case you can't guess I’ll be cooking this recipe). I expect to kill at least half my close friends with it :-)

I look forward to the syndicated version of this show on UK television.

4:10 AM  
Blogger Redneck Diva said...

I'm totally in agreement with you on the KFC bowls! Blech! Now, I've been known to put corn on my taters here at home and the chicken on top might be okay, but they lost me at the gravy and cheese. That ain't right.

Oh, I'm so glad you included me in the possible guest line-up! I can do amazing things with Free Cheese! Why, just yesterday I made homemade Mac n Cheese that was so full of yummycheesyfree goodness that I nearly fainted with the first bite. And I can whip up some tasty garlic cheese biscuits that rival Red Lobster's - and they're FREE! Cheddar Bay Biscuits indeed - I call mine Free Tribal Biscuits.

I will have to watch Bobby Flay today and see if he looks drunk. I never noticed because I'm usually asleep by the end of the show. I did notice that he always includes drinkies, but I never stick around to see the final inebriated product. He reminds me too much of Danny Bonaduce anyway. Looks, not actions.

Rachel Ray RAWKS! I like her 30-minute meals. Although, at my house one of her half-hour bits would turn into 4 hours due to all of the screaming children, laundry, phone calls and calls from Mr. Diva to find him a tool that he misplaced and he obviously thinks I have a tool finder in my brain or something. But she's still cool.

8:11 AM  
Blogger aka_monty said...

OOOOH, can I be a guest? I'll be The Girl Who Doesn't Cook Because Her Mom Lives Next Door And There Is Always Free Food There.

You can teach me how to make that potato bowl thingy. I drooled a little bit when I read that.
I loves me veg. :)

2:06 PM  
Blogger MrsCoach2U said...

Should you require a sponsor I can get you your fill of cheese. We have 2 kinds, sliced or not sliced. With so much variety, how can you choose?????

3:02 PM  
Blogger Hillbilly Mom said...

I've seen commercials for the Glad Press 'n' Seal. I'll have to give it a try.

I didn't actually mean for my recipes to be used for...umm...homicide. Let me know how it turns out. The food. Not the homicide.

I can make those Red Lobster Cheddar Bay Biscuits by using Bisquick and cheese. My kids love 'em. But they've never had the real thing.

I've never seen Bobby turn down a drink on camera. Imagine what he's like off camera. Maybe like Danny Bonaduce. Before rehab.

I like all of Rachael's shows. She's made quite a life of traveling the world and eating on someone else's dime. She's a freakin' genius. Except she doesn't know how to spell "Rachel".

How could I forget your magnificent food arrangement? You're as smart as Rachael Ray. That potato thingy is really good, if you like your veggies all mashed together. It wouldn't do for those people who don't like their food touching, though.

3:12 PM  
Blogger aka_monty said...

I had to pop over to tell you that I PROMISE I wasn't even talking about you. :)

I've been surfing on BlogExplosion and saw half-a-dozen of the most boring blogs EVER described as "a hilarious look at my life" or some such nonsense. :)

YOU, my friend, are TIP TOPS in hilarity. :)

3:19 PM  
Blogger Hillbilly Mom said...

Thank you for validating me. I didn't really think you would be so bold as to point out my unhilariousness to the masses.

Umm...that kidney and lung you were offering...can they be sold on Ebay, or must they be used by the recipient? Because if I don't win the Powerball, I might need to make some extra cash for my scratch-off habit.

3:41 PM  
Blogger Stewed Hamm said...

I wonder how the planning meeting went for the KFC Bowls...
"Hey y'all. We've got all this leftover shit nobody wanted to eat."
"Well, we spent good money rustlin up that grub. Throw it all together and call it somethin fancy."

I think if I ended up on your show, I'd be the BooBerry version of Bobby Flay. Only I'd be flitting off the walls by the end of the show, screaming about how my pee will be blue.
Set your VCRs, everyone!

5:13 AM  
Blogger Hillbilly Mom said...

I think you were a fly on the wall at that meeting. Then they shoved you into the KFC Potato Bowl. And raised the price for the extra protein.

Yes, you would raise my ratings as the poor woman's Bobby Flay.

8:33 PM  

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