Saturday, June 10, 2006

Iceberg of Know-Nots

When it comes to people searching for information who land at my
blog, methinks some are a bit...umm...eccentric. Or perhaps they're
not blessed with Mensa IQs. Not the sharpest tool in the shed. Not
playing with a full deck. Porchlight's on but nobody's home upstairs.
One brick shy of a load. One side dish short of a picnic. One wheel
in the sand. Half a bubble off on a six-inch level. Favorite game is
51-Card Pick-up.

I dedicate this post to them. Please read and learn.

old hillbilly camping photos...this is not camping. This is how
hillbillies live. If they had cameras to take pictures, would they
still be hillbillies? I don't recall Jed and Granny taking pictures
of Jethro and Ellie May out by the cement pond. And they were
RICH hillbillies.

antique fake mantle...if it was a true antique, it would not be fake.
C'mon, shoot for the stars. Get yourself a REAL antique mantle.
Or even a fake mantle. But don't cheapen yourself by trying to
get a fake antique.

hillbilly homemade boat...would you really want to set sail in one
of these contraptions? Perhaps I could steer you toward a nice
Native American dug-out canoe.

hillbilly art arm cast thrown away...what? Somebody threw away
a perfectly good arm cast? Who knew?

fentanyl patch feline remove...whoa, buddy! You let your kitty
remove your fentanyl patch? Don't you have visiting nurses in
your neck of the woods? Or maybe I read that wrong. You're
trying to remove a fentanyl patch from your cat? Wear gloves,
buddy, cause I got a feelin' there's gonna be some squallin' when
the first chunk of fur comes out.

barfing on TV...not recommended. Your TV might not work
after the vomit comet hits it.

sweet dreams are made of this! That's one
magical keyboard ya got there! Does it fit in a pillowcase?

cackling hillbillies...umm...WE call the cackling variety of hillbillies

sat on a tack...thanks for sharing. Try not to do it again. You may
want to hang out with a different group of "friends".

why am i getting black spots on the cheeks and might
want to look into this new daily regimen called "a bath". Or use
a good exfoliator.

oompa loompa dress for kids photo...oompa loompas don't wear
dresses, silly. They wear those little overall thingies. Please, for the
love of Gummi Mary, don't tell me you're going to make your child
wear inauthentic oompa loompa garb.

i'm going to miami i'm going to the bed the see as seniorita...well,
you're gonna miss the party, because most people who go to
Miami go to the fair. That's where the seniorita is. Not in bed.

operating room don't want a man...who cares what that infernal
operating room wants? Not me, by cracky! Ever since I woke up
in one, I have no desire to please that heinous place.

That is but the tip of the Iceberg of Know-Nots. I'm sure it will
not melt away in the summer's sweltering heat. We shall revisit it


Blogger LanternLight said...

There are some days that I wonder if y'all are too educated to be a true Hillbilly.

For example, photos??? Surely they'd be pichers? :-)

And while we're talking pichers, any more of the "Coors" series? :-)

10:08 PM  
Blogger Cazzie!!! said...

Wishing I had the heat and you had our freakin cold days!! Getting up at 5am for work in the darnded cold is a killer..for I Don't Do Mornings!

6:12 AM  
Blogger Hillbilly Mom said...

I got me some book learnin'. As far as the Coors pichers, no more of me. Some of other people dressed as Custer, Blues Brothers, Frankenstein, a Killer Tomato, and an Indian. But I don't know if I should put others on display on my blog. Even though they are in disguise, kind of.

I'm just going to bed around 5:00 a.m. I love summers off. I'll dream some warm thoughts for you.

10:03 PM  
Blogger LanternLight said...

>I got me some book learnin'.


5:10 AM  
Blogger Stewed Hamm said...

I think you're misguided on the Antique Fake Mantle. It's not a fake antique your reader is after but an antique fake, i.e. a fake mantle that was made many many years ago. An antique fake mantle in good condition - without any of the particle board showing - would be worth a lot of scratch-offs today.
Personally, I'd rather line my driveway with Burma-Shave signs, but to each their own.

BTW, my word verification was "idcun" or "I'd see you in" for those that don't speak license plate.

3:08 AM  
Blogger Hillbilly Mom said...

Enjoy yourself. My Dolly is way smarter than her act, too.

Scratch-off tickets, you say? I'm gonna find me an antique fake mantle! Burma Shave? You and your love for fine poetry...

You are quite versed in license plate lingo. Who knew?

6:38 PM  

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