Monday, December 12, 2005


Here is my Hillbilly Husband chopping down the Christmas tree
on our new land. Doesn't he bear a striking resemblance to that
neighbor, Wilson, on Home Improvement? Notice the hunter
orange sweatshirt, just in case the Land Stealer was out hunting
for hillbilly? Normally, a redneck would have his boy young'un
wielding the hacksaw, but not at our mansion. The boy had to
take photos to commemorate the event. I don't know where
#2 son was. Probably out on the county road, playing tag with
the traffic, or handing out invitiations to his one-man show at next
year's Christmas program. They went tree-hunting while I was at
Wal-Mart buying them gifts. Thanks for including me in our family
tradition, guys.

I think I am in the running for Bad Mother of the Year. This morning
I dosed #2 with some Visine AC and tried to slip him into school.
His eye was only a little bit red. Last time, the school nurse sent
both my boys home and said they had pinkeye, and had to get a
note from the doctor to return. Of course, they didn't have pinkeye,
they had a allergy issue, and got medicine like Visine, only more
expensive, and set me back a sum of $98. And that's not counting
the visit to the optometrist, because #1 had a reaction to the
antibiotic that he didn't need. We don't have the FREE MEDICAL
CARD that students have because their parents are self-employed
crystal meth manufacturer/distributors. We are insured people, and
the reward for paying for insurance is that you also have to pay for
your doctor visits and medicine. Go figure.

The little wrench thrown into this plan of dumping #2 and high-
tailing it out of there was that the principal saw him walk in, and
sent him directly to the nurse's office. I just happened to call her
to tell her that he has a cold, and so I think it is just viral. She said
everyone she has sent home has pinkeye. Didn't I have medicine
left over from the last time? I had to get a little smart-alecky with
I really like her, but it's just my nature to be smart-alecky. You never
would have guessed that, huh? Well, the last I heard, you are
supposed to dispose of any unused medicine (unless of couse it is
some good stuff like vicodin). Anyway, he didn't have pinkeye
last time, so I don't know that the medicine would help. She said
Wal-Mart now has some over-the-counter stuff to treat pinkeye.
WHAT? Doesn't that require an antibiotic? What next, open-heart
surgery while you have your oil changed?

I don't know how this kid managed to catch it after being off school
for 4 days. I called my Hillbilly Mama to pick him up and take him
to the doctor. Hmm...I seems he has pinkeye. I am now a monkey's
uncle. I am having a three-course meal of crow, my hat, and my
words. Note to self: It is cheaper for the kid to actually have
pinkeye. $20 for the doctor, $8 for the medicine.

#2 son can't go back to school for 24 hours after he starts the
medicine. I say, FINE! He'll just miss another whole gosh-darn
day, because I have THE JURY DUTY tomorrow, and my HM
should not have to drop off one kid at school, then return with
another at noon, then pick them up at 3:00. And he's not doing
his make-up work, either. The last 3 times I've asked for their
work to be sent home, I got nothing! He should not have to do
10 or 12 worksheets in one night. He's 7. Let him get an A-
instead of an A. I'll learn 'em to mess with my little hillbillies!

Aside from that minor drama, it was just another day in paradise.


Blogger Huggies said...

Can you please explain "Pinkeye" to me ? I've only have heard the term once before on a South Park episode. It isn't a term used here in Australia.

7:14 PM  
Blogger Redneck Diva said...

Agh, we're dealing with a strep exposure here at Diva Central so I feel your pain regarding the pink eye. Except no one's eyes are pink...and we don't have to pay for our medicine because, even though we aren't crytal meth manufacturers, we are medical card holders, (Wal*Mart associates make far less than meth manufacturers, trust me.) and I'm missing an entire day of work here so that I can take the possibly afflicted one to the doctor to find out if, indeed, she does have strep. Yeesh. I love this time of year.

We, too, dispose of all medicines when we're done with them EXCEPT for Vicodin and Phenergan. Those are both GOLD. GOLD I say!

7:15 PM  
Blogger Hillbilly Mom said...

Pinkeye is conjunctivitis. It is the inflammation of the white part of the eye, due to a bacterial infection. It makes the eye look pink or red. It is highly contagious. It runs through an elementary school like college students making free phone calls on a stolen phone card. It must be treated with an antibiotic before the child can return to school.

We had the strep here last year. #2 was the carrier. If that boy would stop picking his nose, we'd have fewer illnesses at the Hillbilly Mansion.

My students irritate me because they say they can take a day off, even if they are violating the attendance policy, and go to the emergency room for a doctor's note to excuse the absence. One said, "If I tell them I have a cough, they write 'bronchitis'. If I say I have headaches, they write 'sinusitis'. Then I get my excuse for those 3 days I took off. It don't cost nothin'." Yeah, well, an ER visit would cost me $250 if the patient was not admitted to the hospital. THAT's my gripe with the cardholders.

9:01 PM  
Blogger deadpanann said...

"We are insured people, and
the reward for paying for insurance is that you also have to pay for
your doctor visits and medicine. Go figure."

Amen, sister. AaaaaaMEN! And since the 1st of the year is approaching, you get to pay your annual deductible again.

9:03 PM  
Blogger Huggies said...

Thanks for the lowdown on "Pinkeye". I have had it before myself and yes it is nasty stuff although I am rather surprised it spreads like a $2 hooker through the school system.

I don't remember this stuff spreading around like this when I was in school.

7:39 AM  
Blogger Kim said...

I had to laugh at your home diagnosis of "not" pinkeye. I've been guilty of the same.

However, I'll raise your pinkeye and see you a broken ankle. I made Lullah pack her own luggage to the truck with a hairline fracture that I didn't get xrayed until the next morning. (I honestly thought it was a sprain)

1:18 PM  
Blogger Hillbilly Mom said...

Our hookers in the school system are free. They are called 'hoochies'.

I will concede my crown of Bad Mother of the Year to you. I made HH drive himself to the ER with a broken toe, but hey, he is an adult, and it was only a toe. I had a toddler and a baby to look after at home. They beat a hard-headed husband unloading a 5th- wheel trailer hitch by himself.

10:34 PM  

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